Midnight Pals: Dracula Sovereign of the Damned (Patreon)

Bram Stoker: everyone, i have a story
Barker: oh boy this should be good
Stoker: and this time it's different
Stoker: i've been secretly taking lessons in how to be horny
Stoker: so this story is really going to show you sex-likers a thing or two

Stoker: submitted for the approval of the midnight society
Stoker: i call this the tale of dracula
Stoker: sovereign of the damned
stoker: you'll like this dracula
Stoker: it's an anime
Lafcadio Hearn: yes!
Hearn: YES!

Stoker: so dracula meets this chick
Edward Lee: yeah boi
Stoker: she starts uh shooting him with a crossbow
Lee: no no bro not like that!
Mary Shelley: ha ha ha yeah!
Shelley: do it!!

Stoker: so it starts with this cult of satanists
Stoker: they're summoning satan
Stoker: to give them woman to him as a bride
Stoker: but satan doesn't show up
Stoker: so instead dracula swoops in
Stoker: and he tricks this woman into marrying him

King: satan doesn't show up?
Stoker: right
King: to his own summoning?
Stoker: right
King: why doesn't he show up?
Stoker: i don't know, maybe he was busy that night
Barker: "maybe he was busy" lol
Stoker: LOOK. that's not the important part

King: so you're saying that satan is just, like, a no show
Stoker: yes
King: is that how it works? he can do that?
King: anton, has that ever happened to you
King: where you go through all the motions and the ritual and then
King: satan just doesn't show?
Anton Lavey: uhhhh

Stoker: so dracula shows up
Stoker: in his cape and tuxedo
Stoker: and he's all "it's me, uh, satan!"
Barker: and they're not suspicious that he's clearly dracula
Stoker: satan could wear a cape and tuxedo
Barker: yeah yeah he COULD
Barker: but we all know he don't

Stoker: so dracula and this woman have a baby
Stoker: but eventually the guilt of the charade gets to dracula
Stoker: and he's all "i have to tell you"
Stoker: "i'm actually not your beloved satan"
Stoker: "i'm just dracula"
Stoker: "just a stupid, stupid dracula"

Stoker: anyway, there's also these vampire hunters
Stoker: they've been spending the last year searching for dracula
Stoker: just doing nothing else but full time searching
King: a whole year?
Stoker: yeah they're really bad at their job

Stoker: it's a descendant of jonathan harker
Stoker: a descendant of abraham van helsing
Stoker: a descendant of dracula
Stoker: and a vampire-sniffing dog
Dean Koontz: dog!
Stoker: yeah i knew dean would like that

Stoker: anyway that satanist finds out about the whole thing where dracula tricked them
Stoker: so he shoots dracula's baby
Stoker: with a gun
Koontz: oh no!
Stoker: don't worry
Stoker: god sends the baby back as a full grown super man to kill dracula
Koontz: oh good!
Barker: whoa whoa hold on there
Barker: not "oh good"
Barker: i have SEVERAL questions