Midnight Pals: Oates the GOAT (Patreon)

JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: ah
Rowling: I have excellent newsssss
Rowling: my terf death eaterssss have acquired a very exciting new celebrity get
Rowling: time to celebrate! Letsss get ssssome tunessss playing!
[‘Streets of Cairo’ starts playing, Rowling sways hypnotically to beat]

Poe: what? what’s this celebrity get?
Rowling: the entire new York times op-ed section
Barker: those aren’t celebrities
Poe: oh clive I’m sure that to some people-
Barker: name one
Poe:

Rowling: we alsssso have luna lovegood!
Barker: do you now
Rowling: she’s a very famous actresssss
Barker: oh yeah? whats her name
Rowling: it’s lu
Rowling:
Rowling: this is harasssssment!!

Rowling: well we also have
Rowling:
Rowling: I’m pretty ssssure we have joyce carol oates
Barker: ha ha oh man
Barker: oh I’ve got something really funny to tell you
Barker: ha ha

Joyce Carol Oates: hey everyone it’s me, Joyce Carol Oates
Oates: I got some new takes for you
Oates: and I gotta warn you
Oates: some of these take
Oates: are a little
Oates: [sunglasses flash ‘WILD’] WILD!!!

Oates: Halloween, what’s up with that? Skeletons are pretty fucked up
Oates: when will they legalize same height marriage
Oates: I think there should be less cheese on things
Oates: ok that’s enough wild takes, time for a normal one
Oates: trans people shouldn’t be murdered

JK Rowling: OATESSSS! How could you!!!
Rowling: betrayalllll
Rowling: terf death eatersss!! Take her down!!!
Rowling: desssstroy her like she was graham Norton!!

Joyce Carol Oates: what’s your problem
Oates: maybe you should get a real life
Rowling: what the
Rowling: how dare you!!!
Rowling: I have a life!!
Rowling: it’sss very full and rewarding!!

Oates: maybe you should get a hobby
Rowling: I have plenty of hobbiessss!
Rowling: like going to transphobic brunchessss with people who wear masssksss of my face!!
Rowling: and
Rowling: and
Rowling: I have a whole room of candy in my ssscottish casssstle!!!
Rowling: do you!?

Rowling: die!!!!
[Oates effortlessly sidesteps attack]
Rowling: how are you so fasssst, you old devil?!
Rowling: I thought your foot was all fucked up!
Oates: I got better
Oates: come at me bro