Midnight Pals: The Protocols of Hogwarts (Patreon)

[Scottish castle]
Agent: hey joanne
JK Rowling: Lydia
Rowling: what newssss do you bring of the outsssside muggle world
Agent:
Agent: uh well
Agent: there’s been A LOT of buzz about your new Hogwarts game
Rowling: good buzz?
Agent:

Rowling: the children all love my hogwartssss game do they not?
Rowling: they love to be transsssported back to the whimsssical apolitical world of harry potter!
Rowling: lotssss of good publicity, right?
Agent: well
Agent: if you think about it
Agent: there’s no such thing as BAD publicity right?

Rowling: you sssspeak of the Hogwartsssss game which I had nothing to do with, correct?
Rowling: completely handsss off! No involvement whatssssoever!
Rowling: sssso keep in mind that a certain twitter thread absolutely in no way reflectssss reality
Rowling: legally, it mussst be said it’s for entertainment purposessss only

Agent: so about this Hogwarts game
Rowling: yesss?
Agent: I notice it’s about a goblin rebellion
Rowling: yesss?
Agent: you know, joanne, there’s been a lot of talk lately
Agent: about your goblins
Rowling: yesss?

Agent: do you think maybe
Agent: could the game be about
Agent: about something else?
Rowling: what do you mean
Agent: like
Agent: there’s a lot of aspects of your world that aren’t
Agent: weirdly antisemitic
Agent: maybe you could make the game about some of those?
Agent: like, about a dragon or
Agent: idk
Agent: a beholder or something?

Rowling: Lydia
Rowling: maybe you’ve forgotten your place as my agent
Rowling: your job is to ferry the big bags of money from WB to my vault
Rowling: I’m the whimssssical geniusss who comes up with ideasss!

Agent: I’m afraid there’s a problem joanne
Rowling: what?
Agent: it turns out that they accidently made the game antisemitic
Agent: and accidentally hired an alt right gamergate guy to make it
Agent: and a psychotic MRA anti family court guy to voice 12 characters
Rowling: wow, what a comedy of completely unintended errorssss!
Agent: it’s kind of a real whoopsy doodle altogether, honestly

Rowling: I don’t undersssstand why people are mad
Rowling: they don’t like my hook-nosed bankers who use childrensss blood for vile ritualsss?
Agent: people think they’re kinda antisemitic
Rowling: well, I thought the jewsss wanted represssentation!
Agent:

Rowling: next they’re gonna get mad about the sssuspiciously goblin sssympathetic transss character!
Rowling: you know, transss are a plot by the global goblin elite
Agent:

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: my loyal circle of terf death eaterssss
Rowling: everyone is mad about my hogwartsss game
Rowling: but you all undersssstand

Pamela Paul: of course we do!
Pamela Paul: man, wouldn’t it be cool if we could live in Hogwarts legacy for real?
Paul: like, maybe like
Paul: what if there were goblins living in your neighborhood? And you could report them to some sort of goblin culling authority?

Paul: or if some of your neighbors were secretly hiding goblins in their attic and you could report them?
Paul: wouldn’t that be fun?
Paul: I feel like ron desantis is the man who could make this a reality

Paul: see, ron desantis has his finger on the pulse
Paul: he knows what the average American likes
Paul: and the average joe, let me tell you, he loves big trains
Paul: big rattling cattle cars, passing in the night, carrying strange cargo to mysterious ends
Paul: a knock on the door in the night
Paul: it’s like a fun mystery!

Paul: americans love ron desantis banning books
Paul: and, quite frankly, as the new York times book reviewer
Paul: it kinda makes my job easier!