Midnight Pals: Trapdoor Spiders (Patreon)

Fletcher Pratt: i'd like to welcome you all to the first meeting of the No Mildreds Club
Mildred Baldwin: hey what are you boys doing in here
Pratt: um excuse me
Pratt: [pointing at sign] sorry mildred

Pratt: first order of business for the NO MILDREDS Club
Pratt: the chair recognizes isaac asimov
Isaac Asimov: yes can we change the name?
Asimov: its a little on the nose
Pratt: well what would you call it?
Asimov: how about
Asimov: the trapdoor spiders

[meanwhile]
Poe: hey did you guys hear about this Trapdoor Spiders club?
Poe: seems really exclusive
King: whys it called that?
Barker: its a sex act
Poe: no its not clive
Barker: be a lot cooler if it was

King: so what is it?
Poe: its a male eating club
Barker: haha well i know all about that
Poe: no clive it's not that kind of male eating
CB Blanchard: i know all about that
Poe: it's not that either

King: so it's an exclusive club for boys?
Patricia Highsmith: sounds fun. maybe i'll stop by
Poe: oh sorry patricia it's men only
Highsmith: yeah i think they'll let me in
Poe:
Poe: yeah i don't know why but that scans
Barker: yeah that really does doesn't it?
Highsmith: you know, chat with the boys, hang a few laughs, maybe chase a skirt

Franz Kafka: can i join?
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Barker: i'm going to tell her
Poe: no clive
Poe: the prime directive
Barker: that's stupid
Barker: i'm going to do it

Barker: we need to get into this club
King: well gosh clive it's invite only
King: and they're sci fi guys
King: i don't know that we have any horror guys in that you could ask
Dean Koontz: there's theodore sturgeon
Barker: why yes
Barker: there IS theodore sturgeon
Barker: dean, you're a genius
Koontz: i helped :)

Theodore Sturgeon: [wearing lab coat, holding erlenmeyer flask] behold it is i
Sturgeon: theodore sturgeon
Sturgeon: critical thinker and seeker of knowledge
Sturgeon: excelsior!

Barker: hey theo
Barker: i wanna ask a favor
Sturgeon: speak, fellow science fan!

Barker: so
Sturgeon: [scribbling equations on chalkboard] silence, clive! i'm almost at a break-through
Sturgeon: soon, if my calculations are correct
Sturgeon: i shall soon perfect Sturgeon's Revelation
Sturgeon: or perhaps even
Sturgeon: Sturgeon's law

Barker:
Barker: yeah so anyway
Sturgeon: eureka! I've found it
Sturgeon: by my calculations
Sturgeon: 80% of everything is crud
Sturgeon: wait a second
Sturgeon: 90%. 90% of everything is crud
Sturgeon: sorry, forgot to carry the one

Barker: yeah ok i'm gonna leave you to
Barker: whatever the hell all this is
Sturgeon: scientific progress!
Sturgeon: behold! the fruits of science!
Sturgeon: a marvel of modern technology!
Sturgeon: i'm building a killdozer

Sturgeon: behold! the killdozer!
Sturgeon: bullet proof glass. Touchscreen gear shift.
Sturgeon: and the steering wheel is a squircle

Sturgeon: the killdozer can cross water up to 2.5 feet deep
Sturgeon: but also um you shouldn't get it wet
Barker:
Sturgeon: especially don't back it into a lake or something

Barker: you scientists are always so busy asking whether you CAN build a killdozer, you never stop to ask whether you SHOULD build a killdozer
Barker: cuz that thing looks like shit
Barker: like it really looks like shit

Sturgeon: you think i'm smart? you should see my brother peter
Sturgeon: you know mensa?
Barker: i've heard of it
Sturgeon: he's so smart he FOUNDED it
Barker: yeah? is he a member?
Sturgeon:
Sturgeon: i don't know

Barker: so you're pretty smart huh?
Peter Sturgeon: [levitating, enormous saucer person head throbbing] Heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?
Peter Sturgeon: all morons!