Harry Potter and the Crazy Merc (Patreon)

The silver glint of the twin katanas shone in the darkness of the room, as blood dripped down its edge from the chest of a woman in black robes. Her curly ebony hair fanned over her face, which was frozen between a maniacal grin and terror.

The man holding the katanas— a masked man covered in red spandex, stood tall, one of his feet planted on the face of a blonde-haired man.

The face turned, the white slits of the mask widening.

“Hello there.” A voice rang. “Yes, you. What are you wondering about? I am talking to you. Yes you, the clueless buffoon on the other side of the screen reading this fanfiction. Now, you might be wondering a lot of things. What is happening, when is it happening, and why is it happening? And most of all, you’re wondering who I am.”

The red masked face tilted to the left. “I am Deadpool. Yeah, that Deadpool. Wade fucking Wilson. The Merc with a mouth. And now, you are probably wondering; What in the name of ball-sucking hell am I doing in a Harry Potter story? The answer is simple. This is now a Deadpool story.”

“But back to how I am here?” The white slits on the mask narrowed. “Let’s just say, Tom Riddle is a prolific asshole in every timeline. And this author wanted to write my character for a while. And so, for you to get a better idea of what he’s cooked up, I have to take you a little back.”

FLASHBACK

Footsteps echoed in the oppressive silence of the room as a group of teenagers in robes walked in, their wands glowing faintly.

Harry’s heart hammered in his chest, blood pounding in his ears. His knuckles whitened against the handle of his holly wand, its tip glowing brighter, casting light in the room.

The room was like an amphitheater, reminding Harry of the courtroom he had been tried in by the Wizengamot.

Instead of a chained chair, however, there stood a raised stone dais in the center of the lowered floor, and upon it was a stone archway.

Cracks ran down its crumbling structure, holding together a tattered black veil which, despite the complete stillness of the cold surrounding air, was fluttering very slightly as though it had just been touched.

Faint whispers drifted through the room.

“Who’s there?” Harry raised his wand, walking down the step-like benches, toward the veil.

The veil swayed gently, as though somebody had just passed through it.

“Careful, Harry.” Hermione’s voice echoed through the chamber.

Harry’s breath misted slightly, as he leaned closer, his wand hoovering at the edge of the veil, not touching it.

The whispers seemed to grow louder.

With a deep breath, Harry touched the tip of his wand to the fluttering veil. The archway suddenly lit up, glowing with a myriad of strange carvings and Harry instantly backed away from it.

Its center swirled, lighting up, as sounds began to filter through.

Loud bangs and blasts rang through the room before the veil rippled and a red blur shot out of it, taller and bigger than Harry was, crashing into him, sending them both rolling.

“Fuckety chocolate drizzled fuck!” A voice shouted while Harry’s head spun. Heat flared over the back of his head, his vision red, his nose full of sweaty musk and the scent of blood.

“And who the fuck are you and why are your wooden dicks glowing?” The same voice asked.

“Bloody hell. Who are you?” Ron’s voice quivered.

“Me?” Deadpool looked around. “Wait. You are teenagers. Oh kill me please. Not more of them! Wasn’t Negasonic Teenage Warhead enough!?”

“Negasonic Teenage Warhead?” Hermione muttered faintly.

Underneath Deadpool, Harry groaned.

The merc rolled off him and got to his feet turning around. His loud gasp rang through the room as the white slits of Deadpool’s eyes widened, his gloved hands moving to cover his face.

“Holy shit. You’re Harry fucking Potter!” Deadpool exclaimed. “Wait. Which part is this? It is dark, gloomy room with a nice little veil… oh fuck. This is the fifth movie. But I never come up in the fifth movie… or the fifth book… or this universe.”

“It means we are now in a fanfiction.” Luna beamed, her voice sounding far too cheerful for Harry’s liking. “You don’t seem to have any Nargles or Blibbering Humdingers in your head, Mr. Deadpool.”

“No, I do not— wait. I didn’t tell you my name.” Deadpool blinked

“Oh? Should I not call you Mr. Deadpool?” Luna tilted her head, looking at Deadpool with her big silvery eyes. “What about Mr. Wilson? Or Wade? Or maybe… Ryan.”

Deadpool’s eyes widened and he looked up to the sky.

“This is no longer just a Deadpool Story… This just became a Luna Lovegood meets Deadpool story. Do you know what this means?” Deadpool held up his middle finger. "Your little fanfiction universe is about to change forever"

“Right.” Neville said. “Am I going insane or…”

“No.” Ginny’s wand rose higher. “But I'm pretty sure he’s insane.”

“I am not insane. I am bat-shit crazy. There’s a difference, Bonnie.” Deadpool pointed at Ginny. “I refuse to be another notch on the bedpost. I am spec—”

“Shut up all of you!” Harry snapped, rising to his feet. “We’re here to find Sirius. And we are wasting time.”

“Black— sorry, that was racist. Sirius isn’t here.” Deadpool said. “And this might be a really good time to turn back and end this fanfiction.”

“But the author would never allow it, Mr. Deadpool.” Luna stared off into the distance. “He also says this is how you become the Potterverse Jesus.”

“That’s a shit name but it is not a bad idea.” Deadpool said before turning to Harry. “You sure we can’t be done with him going to Gringotts, and getting a dozen lordships or something? Or get some crazy powerups?”

“Lordships?” Harry frowned.

“One of the favorite tropes of fanfic writers. Don’t worry about it.” Deadpool waved him off. “It is that or you find the portraits of Slytherin or one of the founders in the chamber. Become fuck-shit powerful in the span of a few months and kill Voldemort. There’s other things in there like mastering Occlumency— a handful of powerful spells, rituals, getting several girls, yada, yada, yada.”

“But this is not that kind of story.” Luna said.

“Unfortunately, it isn’t.” Deadpool nodded. “I rather like the ones with Daphne Greengrass.”

Harry took a deep breath, ignoring the past minute of conversation. “Alright. Whoever you are—”

“Name’s Pool. DeadPool.” He answered in a thick British accent. “I am your friendly neighborhood mercenary.”

“—Get back to wherever you came from.” Harry glared at him. “I’ve to go and save my godfather.”

“Didn’t I already tell you he isn’t here?” Deadpool threw his arms in the air.

“But you also said you’re bat-shit crazy.” Ginny pointed out.

“... fair.” Deadpool said. “I am coming with you then.”

“Do you even have a wand?” Hermione frowned. “Forgive me, but you look like a muggle.”

“I feel like this question should’ve come up a little earlier in the story.” Deadpool commented. “And to answer your question, the only wand I need is the one I use in bed. On my wife, Venessa.”

Ron choked on his spit.

“If he wants to come, let him come.” Harry snarled, climbing up the stairs. “We need to go find Sirius. Now.”

Deadpool grumbled and followed him. “If you’re not going to listen to me, I am following you. Because pretty soon, you all are going to find yourself balls-deep in a trap. And it is a balls deep no one enjoys.”

“I have to save Sirius.” Harry said. “If you’re gonna help us, well and good. If not, shut your mouth.”

“I see no other way out of this.” Deadpool bounced up the stairs, joining Harry. “And fuck! I forgot my ammo bag. Again.”

Together they walked out of the room, Hermione marking a fiery X on the door.

“Through there.” Deadpool declared. “No point in wasting time.”

“How do you—” Harry stopped short as Deadpool kicked the door open.

They had found the place: high as a church and full of nothing but towering shelves covered in small, dusty, glass orbs.

The orbs glimmered dully in the light of the flickering blue candles around the room.

“Yes, we skipped through a little part of the canon.” Deadpool whispered. “That’s just lazy writing.”

Harry edged forward and peered down one of the shadowy aisles between two rows of shelves. He could not hear anything nor see the slightest sign of movement.

“You said it was row ninety-seven,” Hermione whispered.

“Yeah,” Harry looked up at the end of the closest row. Beneath the branch of blue-glowing candles protruding from it glimmered the silver figure ‘53’.

“We need to go right, I think,” whispered Hermione, squinting to the next row. “Yes, that’s fifty-four.”

“Keep your wands out,” Harry said softly before turning. “And whatever you are—”

Deadpool was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’d the crazy man go?” Ron blurted.

“He’ll come back when needed. With a superhero entry.” Luna said dreamily.

“Right.” Harry murmured, rolling his eyes. “Let’s go. Wands out. I’ve had enough craziness for a day. Let’s get SIrius and get out of here.”

Slowly they edged forward, keeping an eye on their surroundings. Harry strained his ears for any sort of sound.

“Row ninety-seven!” Hermione’s voice rang through the shelves.

The row was empty with no signs of Sirius.

“No,” Harry whispered hoarsely. “He should be here— I saw him.”

Harry ran around, peering at the row next to the one they were in before going in the other direction, his head frantically moving everywhere.

“Harry?” said Hermione again.

“What?” he snarled.

“The man— Deadpool might’ve been right,” she whispered. “Sirius isn’t here. It is a trap.”

“Harry, have you seen this?” Ron’s voice rang through the shelves.

“What?” Harry strode back to where Ron was standing, a little way down row ninety-seven

“It’s — it’s got your name on.” Ron pointed to a dusty glass sphere on the shelf .

The small glass sphere glowed with a dull light, though it was very dusty and appeared not to have been touched for many years.

Below it, on a yellowing label was written a date of sixteen years ago and—

SPT to APWBD

Dark Lord

And (?) Harry Potter

Raising his hand, Harry’s fingers curled around the dusty orb. He had expected it to feel cold, but it did not. On the contrary, it felt as though it had been lying in the sun for hours, as though the glow of light within was warming it.

The others moved in closer around Harry, gazing at the orb as he brushed it free of the clogging dust.

“Very good, Potter.” A drawling voice rang and they jumped. “Now turn around, nice and slowly, and give that to me.”

Black shapes emerged out of thin air all around them blocking their way left and right; eyes glinted through slits in hoods, a dozen lit wand tips were pointing directly at their hearts.

Ginny gave a gasp of horror.

“To me, Potter,” Lucius Malfoy repeated, holding out his hand, palm up.

Harry’s insides plummeted sickeningly.

They were, as the crazy guy had said, balls-deep in a trap. And not to mention, outnumbered.

“Where’s Sirius?” Harry raised his wand in response.

Several of the Death Eaters laughed. A harsh female voice from the midst of the shadowy figures to Harry’s left said triumphantly, “The Dark Lord always knows!”

“Always,” echoed Malfoy softly. “Now, give me the prophecy, Potter.”

“I want to know where Sirius is!”

The death eaters laughed again and a woman stepped out of the shadows, pouting her lips. “Oooh, does ickle baby—”

“That is a terrible baby voice, you know?” A familiar voice cut through the woman’s and everyone looked up.

Deadpool was laying high up on one of the shelves, one hand propped under his head while the other rested on a pistol in his belt.

“And, I mean, can you get more comic-book villain types? Those black robes just scream bad guys.” Deadpool drawled. “Also, blondie. That’s a lot of hair gel you got there.”

Lucius Malfoy snarled, firing a curse at Deadpool, who didn’t even move, letting the curse soar past him.

“If you’d put as much effort as you put into your hair on your aim, that would’ve hit.” Deadpool dusted off his costume.

A high cackling laugh rang through the room as the woman who had been doing the baby voice laughed.

“And who might you be?” Malfoy narrowed his eyes, pointing his glowing wand at Deadpool.

“I’m Batman.” Deadpool stood up on the shelf.

“He’s going to do a superhero landing.” Luna whispered to Ginny, her smile widening.

“Maximum effort.” Deadpool muttered before leaping off the shelf, somersaulting in the mid air while pulling his Katanas.

Deadpool landed in between Harry and Malfoy, striking a pose just as something clattered to the ground.

“Yay! Superhero landing!” Luna cheered as Harry glanced past Deadpool to see a dark piece of wood lying on the ground at his feet while Malfoy stared at the remnants of his wand.

“You filthy muggle!” Malfoy snarled, only to stop in his tracks as the silver of Deadpool’s katana glinted at his pelvis.

“Try me, Captain Hook.” Deadpool said.

“Avada Kedavra!” A flash of green light hit Deadpool in his side and he fell to the ground at Harry’s feet.

“No!” Harry yelled while Hermione and Ginny gasped.

“Potter, your protector is dead.” Lucius Malfoy straightened up. “Now, the hand me the—”

A loud bang pierced through the room, followed by another.

The man who had shot the killing curse at Deadpool, fell to the ground, blood pouring through his head and chest.

Harry looked down to see Deadpool holding a silver gun, its barrel smoking.

“Eight. You filthy ball sucking, dog-ass buggerer.” Deadpool leaped to his feet.

Another two shots rang through the department as Deadpool shot the man again before looking at the gun.

“When I say now—” Harry whispered to his friends as

“Six. Damn it. Bad Deadpool. No, good Deadpool.”

“—Blast the shelves.”

“Kill him!” Malfoy yelled, pointing at Deadpool.

“NOW!” Harry’s voice rang followed by a cry of spells.

Prophecy orbs on the shelves shattered, ghostly figures emerging from them, speaking in faint, mystical voices. Flashes of spells flew in all directions and Harry seized Deadpool by the arm, dragging him away from them just as another loud bang rang from his gun.

“Reducto!” Harry flung a spell over his shoulder and another row of orbs exploded, more ghostly figures floating through the aisle, distracting the Death Eaters.

A Death Eater moved to block their path but Hermione waved her wand and the Death Eater stopped in his tracks, his face scrunching in confusion. A second later, a silver flash tore a gash through his neck and blood splattered over Harry’s face as the Death Eater collapsed, dead.

“What the hell?” Harry felt sick, as he ran past the Death Eater.

“He is a Death Eater.” Deadpool kicked the man away. “I fed him death. It didn’t agree with him.”

“Spread out!” Lucius Malfoy’s voice rang over the ghostly whispers of the seers. “They can’t have gone far. And get me Rudolphus’s wand!”

“Why are we running?” Deadpool asked as they rounded around a corner and began to sprint in the earnest

“We are outnumbered.” Harry said. “And in a—”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Harry saw a Death Eater appear.

“POT—”

“Stupefy.” A beam of red soared from Harry’s wand and the man crumpled. “In a trap. Let’s get out of here!”

Deadpool nodded, keeping up with Harry’s pace easily. Ron, Ginny, and Luna ran ahead of them while Hermione and Neville brought up the center.

“That’s the door.” Ron pointed at the entrance of the room up ahead.

Two figures in dark robes and silver masks appeared in their way before they could reach the door.

“Stupefy!” Hermione cried, followed by Luna, and Ron.

The spells splashed against a shield with a sizzle, only for them to be drowned out by loud bangs. Blood spurted from their foreheads and the Death Eaters collapsed to the ground. Hermione made a retching noise, averting her eyes while Ginny and Neville did the same.

“Three.” Deadpool muttered, pushing them ahead toward the door. “Three left.”

“Death Eaters?” Neville asked hopefully.

“Bullets.” Deadpool replied in a disappointed tone. “I always tend to miss my ammo bag in such situations.”

Harry passed through the door before locking it behind him.

“How do we get out of here?” He breathed, jogging toward his friend, Deadpool following him.

“We must fight our way out.” Luna said dreamily. “The Death Eaters will catch up.”

As she said it, the door they had come through was blown open and a trio of Death Eaters surged forth, their wands glowing.

Deadpool stepped in front of the teenagers, drawing his swords in a smooth, practiced motion as spells flew toward them. The katanas blurred, slashing through spells in mid-air, sending them ricocheting in all directions, away from them.

“What in Merlin's name?” Neville muttered as Deadpool ran forward, kicking one Death Eater in the groin before chopping the hands of the other two and stabbing them.

“That’s how we do it in Marvel, you mold-balled fuckers.” Deadpool pulled his Katanas out of their bodies, sheathing them back.

“Okay, more will be coming through soon.” He turned around. “I need a round metallic shield. Don’t ask me why.”

The Death Eater whom Deadpool had kicked slowly stood up behind his turned back, fumbling for his wand.

“BEHIND YOU!” Harry yelled and Deadpool turned, flipping out of the way of the spell the Death Eater shot.

“Expelliarmus!” Harry jabbed his wand and the spell hit the Death Eater, sending him crashing into the wall behind.

“Petrificus totalus! Stupefy!” Spells shot from Hermione’s wand, taking down the Death Eater.

“Wonderfully done!” Deadpool clapped. “Now, I need that shield. Urgently.”

Hermione opened her mouth before shaking her head and waving her wand, creating a shield the size of a dinner plate.

“Thank you!” Deadpool plucked the shield out of mid-air cheerfully before charging into the room.

“Did he just—” Ginny stopped short as a loud metallic bang rang from the room, followed by screams.

“I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY!” Deadpool’s yell was followed by another loud bang and the red-suited mercenary hurtled out of the room.

“Bloody hell.” Ron cursed before ducking as a beam of pink flew out of the door.

“Take cover!” Harry yelled while Neville shot a stunner that hit the doorframe, leaving a scorch mark.

Five Death Eaters surged out of the room, their wands held high.

“GET THEM! LEAVE POTTER ALIVE!” Malfoy ordered, brandishing his wand at Luna, who flipped over a table and took cover.

“Reducto!” Ginny’s spell was deflected by the woman with curly hair with a mad cackle, which blasted a hole through the wall.

“Oooh, the itsy girl knows how to play!”

“Confringo!” Harry flicked his wand, shooting the most powerful spell he knew at the Death Eaters.

An explosion shook the floor as three of the five Death Eaters were blown back across the room in a flash of fire. Malfoy and Bellatrix shielded themselves, skidding several feet back from the impact just before Bellatrix’s girlish cackle echoed through the room.

“Little half-blood knows how to play too!”

“Potter, give up the prophecy and your friends needn’t get hurt.” Malfoy growled.

“It looks like to me that more of your friends have been harmed than mine have, Malfoy.” Harry snarled. “What will Voldemort say?”

Humor disappeared from Bellatrix’s face and her eyes burned with hatred. “You dare!? Crucio!”

Before Harry could do anything, Neville dove in the way of the curse and screamed, writhing on the floor.

“NO!” Hermione screamed. “STOP!”

“Potter, give me the orb!” Malfoy pushed Bellatrix’s hand down, breaking the curse over Neville.

Neville writhed on the ground, curling into a ball.

“Give me the prophecy and no one needs to get hurt.” Malfoy repeated.

“The moment I give you the prophecy, you’re going to kill us all.” Harry snarled, grasping the orb tighter.

“Potter—”

“Enough games!” Bellatrix flicked her wand and Luna was dragged out of her hiding place into her grasp. ”Crucio!”

Luna’s shrill screams shook the room and a moment later, a red blur shot past Harry.

“No!” Malfoy stepped in Deadpool’s way, only for the mercenary to tackle him to the floor and chop off Bellatrix’s wand, stopping the curse.

“You should’ve left her alone, you demented drones!”  Deadpool planted his foot on Malfoy’s face while driving his swords through Bellatrix’s chest, lifting her up.

Beside Harry, Ron let out an awed whistle as the scene played out, and the most feared witch in Britain died, impaled on swords of a muggle.

FLASHBACK END

“And that is how I ended up in this wonderful position.” Deadpool looked back at Bellatrix as drops of blood fell onto his face.

He pulled back the swords, allowing the dead woman to fall to the ground before wiping the blades clean on Malfoy’s robes while the man watched in dazed terror.

Hermione and Ron looked away just before Deadpool drove the sword through Malfoy’s neck. Malfoy gurgled before dying, his eyes turning glassy.

“Now that the blonde ponce and Queen Iracebeth are out of the way…” Deadpool stood up. “How are you kids. You okay, my little princess?”

“I am.” Luna croaked, tears rolling down her cheeks. “It hurt.”

Deadpool knelt down and lifted Luna, wiping her tears. “Shhh, little one. Deadpool killed the ones who hurt you. The monsters won’t hurt anyone.”

Luna sniffed. “Will you protect me like you protect James, Inez, and Betty?”

“I will.” Deadpool said solemnly. “You will be my precious.”

“I am not a ring.” Luna said.

“No. But you’re my precious now. Who else do you know has comic awareness?”

“Don’t you mean cosmic awareness?” Hermione blurted.

“No. Comic awareness. It is much more powerful.” Deadpool said serenely. “Case in point, here comes the cavalry, way too late.”

The door behind them burst open and Sirius ran in, followed by Tonks, Dumbledore, Moody, Remus, and Kingsley Shacklebolt. They stopped short, seeing the state of the room and the dead forms of Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange at Deadpool’s feet.

“SIRIUS!” Harry yelled, running toward his godfather. “You’re okay!”

“Yes, yes I am.” Sirius hugged him. “You were led into a trap by the bastard. You’re safe now.”

“And who might you be, sir?” Dumbledore stepped toward Deadpool, his green robes fluttering behind him. “And why are you holding Miss Lovegood?”

“She was hurt by these soggy-balled assholes.” Deadpool said. “And I am comforting her. Also, green is a terrible color and a really bad decision.”

“I see.” Dumbledore peered at him atop his spectacles while Luna stared at Dumbledore from Deadpool’s arms. “But you didn’t answer my first question.”

“I am Deadpool. You may call me Mr. Pool unlike these golden kids here who may refer to me as Dead.” Deadpool said. “Speaking of which, you’re late, discount Gandalf.”

“You will find that a wizard is never late, nor is he early,” Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. “He arrives precisely when he means to, Mr. Pool.”

Deadpool gasped, before glancing at Luna who gave him a nod. Deadpool gently placed her back on her feet before looking at Dumbledore and gasping again, putting his hands to his face.

“I am sorry but what is happening?” Remus blinked. “And— what happened to them.”

“He killed them.” Ron jabbed his thumb toward Deadpool. “And saved our lives. Though, there might be a few more in the prophecy room.”

“Well, good riddance.” Sirius muttered.

“Alastor, Nymphadora, Kingsley, if you would?” Dumbledore gestured toward the room and the Aurors nodded, walking past them toward the room.

Mad-eye Moody stopped for a moment, waving his wand and binding the Death Eaters who had been stunned or knocked out.

“Now—”

“I have to return to where I came from.” Deadpool said. “Venessa is waiting for me in bed, tied up and wonderfully naked.”

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow but Deadpool ignored him and turned to Luna, whispering something in her ear. Luna smiled and nodded before Deadpool slipped something silver in her pocket.

They watched as Luna hugged the crazy mercenary and he patted her on the back.

“Also,” Deadpool broke the hug and drew himself up, turning to Dumbledore. “You might want to know that this is a really good time to go up to the Atrium and have a wonderful CGI and writer aided fight to give the book a better ending.”

“Voldemort.” Dumbledore stiffened. “He is coming.”

“Ten points to— oops.” Deadpool slapped a hand on his mouth.

“You cannot use the reference in the same fandom, Mr. Pool.” Luna said sagely. “Also, we are now over the word limit.”

“Right.” Deadpool nodded. “Now, I have a cinematic universe to save!”

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Sunlight streamed into the hospital wing through huge windows, glinting amongst the printed words of the Daily Prophet.

HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED RETURNS!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE FACES THE TERROR OF BRITAIN AT THE MINISTRY!

DEATH EATERS FOUND DEAD IN THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES!

BOY-WHO-LIVED THWARTS THE DARK LORD’S PLANS AGAIN!

“Look at them,” Hermione said disgustedly. “Praising Dumbledore and you now that they were wrong and heralding you as the chosen one.”

“There is also no mention of Deadpool.” Luna said despondently.

“He was brilliant, whoever he was.” Ron said. “Absolutely bonkers, but brilliant. What else are they saying?”

“They published the Quibbler article.” Hermione glanced at Luna. “And well, it is… rather complimentary of us for a change. Especially Harry, calling him the lone voice of truth. And Dumbledore of course.”

“Their heroes again.” Neville muttered. “Fame is a fickle friend.”

“That it is,” Hermione agreed. “Thankfully, everything in the school is also back to normal with it.”

“Filch is very sad.” Ginny noted. “Now that Umbridge will be going.”

They all turned around as they heard a slight whimper. In the corner bed of the hospital wing, Umbridge laid, staring at the wall.

“Oh yes, Dumbledore went into the forest last night and brought her back.” Ginny said. “Madame Pomfrey says she is in shock.”

“She won’t be for long.” Luna moved around the bed, retrieving something from her cloak that laid on the edge of her bed. “I have something to do.”

Saying so, Luna walked up to the High Inquisitor while the rest of them watched in anticipation.

“Professor Umbridge? I have a message for you.” Luna called as Umbridge turned her head. “Rot in hell’s smelly balls, you pink toad faced bitch!”

Harry’s eyes widened as Luna raised her arm, a small silver gun held in her hands, its nozzle pointed at Umbridge’s forehead. Before anyone could utter a syllable, a loud bang pierced through the room and blood splattered on the wall.

Umbridge slumped, her eyes glassy, quite clearly dead while Luna smiled and looked above.

“All’s well that ends well, won’t you say?”

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AND… DONE! Hope you all liked the story!

(There is also a POST-CREDIT Scene after this AN.)

It was one hell of a crazy experience writing Deadpool and I hope I have done the Merc with a mouth justice. It is really tough and really fun to write a crazy character. The constant wall-breaks were damn… and… I honestly lost count of how many references and wall-breaks I did.

The structure followed the same pattern as Deadpool movies. Something in the present followed by the past (why it happened) and then back to the present and ahead.

Originally, I was going to have Deadpool kill Voldemort too, but then I realized that he doesn’t have time to deal with Horcruxes and the suspension of belief would’ve to be astronomical, even by Deadpool standards if Voldemort just died.

A huge thanks to Mughil for betaing this story!

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POST CREDITS

The lights blinked on, flooding the room with light, revealing a man wearing a barbie T-shirt, shorts, and wearing a red mask.

Deadpool blinked. “You all are still here? Story’s over, people. There is not going to be a sequel trailer or anything in here. I will meet you again in the cinematic universe with your favorite hairy ape, Wolverine.”

He turned around and walked out of the room, before peeking back through the door frame. “And after reading all of this, do have the courtesy to drop a like, if not a nice comment. Reading, enjoying, but not appreciating is a ballsy move, people.”

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Stay Happy! Stay Safe! Keep Smiling! Keep Reading!

HPfanfictioner66