An Outcast On Earth (Silly, Non-Canon, Patreon-Exclusive Bonus Chapter) (Patreon)

This is a fun little idea that wouldn't leave my head. What if Rob and Keira were yeeted back to Earth? And what if I ignored how badly that would derail every plotline and character arc and just focused on slice-of-life humor?

This chapter doesn't include any sort of foreshadowing, lore, or character development, so don't go reading between the lines and looking for breadcrumbs. This is purely for fun. If you're not interested in Non-Canon silliness, feel free to skip it.


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Lights without needing magic or fire. Air that could be hot or cold based on the touch of a dial. Doors that opened by themselves, Message Crystals that fit in someone’s pocket, and an entire store that had every necessity a person could ever need all in one convenient location.

Keira never knew that she could be surrounded by so many wonders yet be so exceptionally bored.

Things had been...different, ever since she’d been transported to Earth. Yes, that was the word she would use. More than better or worse – although it was certainly better – Earth was different. And not just in regards to the absurd numbers of technological marvels that its people had grown accustomed to. People here carried themselves with a different weight. They had a mild spring in their step, as if on some fundamental they believed that, no matter how dire circumstances might be, things would turn out alright in the end.

If anyone in Elatra still had that spring in their step, it had been snuffed out in the last decade. Losing over 60% of the world’s population would do that to a civilization.

She’d reveled in Earth’s intoxicating atmosphere of optimism, at least for a time. How could she not? Despite Rob’s claims that many areas of Earth were less fortunate than his hometown, it’s not like she’d been transported to any of those. She was here, and here was safe. There were no Dungeons, no monsters, and food was so rampant that their stores had to throw out excess! As far as she was concerned, Earth was a world of decadence.

It...had taken for a small while to come to terms with that. Upon first arriving on Earth, Keira had been dazzled by the breadth and scope of its luxuries. Her starry eyes had turned cold and dark once she realized that it was a life she could never give to the people of Elatra – not until they found a way back. Why did Earth deserve to be so prosperous where her world suffered? Resent rose within her like water cresting over the top of a dam, but she couldn’t let that dam break, not while Rob was celebrating his return home.

Then she’d tasted chocolate, and all was forgiven.

One hazy, dreamlike week later, Rob took her wondrous confections away from her, citing ‘calorie counts’ and ‘required nutrients’ and nonsense like that. Admittedly, she’d been feeling a bit lightheaded, but there had to be chocolate that replicated the importance of fruit and meat. Earth wouldn’t invent the most delicious thing she’d ever tasted and fail to create a healthy alternative, correct?

“Incorrect,” Rob had stated. “The only reason people eat candy is because it tastes damn good. It’s a craving to be sated every now and then.” He glanced at the piles of empty boxes. “Or an addiction to be indulged in, apparently. Just how much of the budget I gave you did you spend on chocolate?”

Keira shuffled nervously.

“Nevermind,” Rob mumbled. “I don’t want the answer.” He hesitated. “Every neuron in my male brain is telling me to keep my mouth closed, but I have to ask. Have you gained any weight since you went on your cocoa binge? Because you look exactly the same as before.”

“Elves don’t gain weight the same way that other races do,” she informed. “The excess mass is-”

Rob held up a hand to forestall her. “So what you’re saying is that you can eat as much unhealthy junk food as you want and not get fat?”

She nodded. Rob ran a hand down his face and sighed. “Don’t tell anyone this. Not unless you want to make legions of mortal enemies in record time.”

Admittedly, that prospect sounded more enticing as the days passed by. Keira would never trade away Earth’s safety and security...on an objective level, anyway. Truthfully, she had little idea of what to do with herself, and a few rivals might help spice up her life, which currently consisted of television, video games, books, and the internet. As enticing as exploring the entire culture of a new world was, she was at her core a person of physical activity. At present, she’d been confined to Rob’s house, where people got nervous if you so much as jumped from the top of the stairs to practice your footwork. Rob was still figuring out a place for her in Earth’s society, and she’d watched enough movies about how his government treated foreign ‘invaders’ to understand that his caution was warranted. But still! He wouldn’t even let her practice her greatsword maneuvers. She’d only broken things twice!

...Perhaps more than twice. In one instance, soon after Rob introduced her to the vast expanse of knowledge that was the internet, she grew curious – which was her first mistake. Rob had told her that Earth possessed fictional representations of elves, and she wanted to see if their perception of what an elf looked like matched up with her own physical appearance. So it was that, innocently, unfortunately, she’d gone to Google Image Search and typed ‘female elves’.

The guilt still gnawed away at her sometimes. She knew enough about Earth’s economy to understand that computers were expensive and not built to withstand giant metal greatswords flattening them into a heap of scrap. Rob, the saint that he was, hadn’t blamed her. He’d merely sighed and muttered that he should have ‘turned SafeSearch on’, whatever that meant.

That embarrassment had been enough to dispel her nervous energy for, oh, about several days. Then she was back to going stir crazy.

Keira was self-aware enough to recognize that it wouldn’t be long before another incident happened. Instead of waiting for herself to self-destruct, she hopped on Rob’s new computer – after leaving her greatsword in a different room – and had Google repay her for its debauchery by helping her perform research. She needed to leave this damned house, but if she was going to engage in entirely foolhardy behavior, she would go about it the smart way. Keira needed a place she could visit that would satisfy her curiosity quickly and efficiently, that wasn’t too far away, and most importantly, that was frequented by enough strange people that she wouldn’t stand out.

Walmart turned out to be a much duller affair than she expected. Once she’d gotten past the fear that someone would tear off her hood and shawl and declare her to be an impostor, all that’s left were rows of items she didn’t have the money for. With a heavy heart, Keira grabbed a discounted box of chocolate – with assorted flavors!! - and took her place in line, having grown weary of window shopping. At least it was nice to stretch my legs, she thought.

She waited in line.

And waited.

And waited.

At this point, she was more confused than annoyed. Humans had such a frighteningly short life span; how could they stand to waste away so much of it doing absolutely nothing? She peered at the front of the line and was struck with fright by what she saw. An old woman had dropped dozens of coupons on the front counter and was speaking in a grating tone that would have spurred Keira to deactivate Heightened Senses if she hadn’t already. The smells. The smells.

But the real horror came from the cashier. He was staring at the woman with empty, vacant eyes, entirely bereft of personality or will or ego. If there had ever been a person in that husk shaped like a man, there no longer was. His very soul had been extinguished. Only Lothren knew if it could ever be lit again.

Keira had heard rumors of what ‘working retail’ did to people. She’d dismissed them as exaggerations. Now she was starting to wonder what other atrocities there were on Earth that were accepted as mundane.

That was when an extremely large man – in both width and height – shoved in front of her and took her place in line. Keira gaped in bafflement for a few seconds before speaking.

“Unless I’m incorrect,” she began, adopting a diplomatic tone. “The line starts at the back.”

“The fuck kind of accent is that?” The man scoffed. “Whatever. Up yours, bitch.”

A wide, ear-to-ear smile split across Keira’s face. YES. FINALLY.

She would escalate slowly, though. Rob’s sanity deserved that much. Keira picked up the man, grimacing at how her hands sunk into his folds of muscle and fat, and threw him across the aisle. Gently.

His natural blubber cushioned the fall, but the man still had the audacity to rant and rave about injury and lawsuits. She’d drawn the attention of everyone else in the store, but Keira was too exuberant to care. As far as slaying monsters went, this one was less threatening than an Infected rabbit, but it was better than nothing.

“Are you listening to me, you fucking bitch?!” The man yelled, screaming spittle. Veins were twitching dangerously in his head, and the surrounding people had backed away.

“No,” Keira replied. “Apologies; I was lost in thought. Would you mind repeating?”

He screamed and charged, fists raised. Danger Sense pinged. It was a small alert; merely to inform her that the man was bulky enough that his blows might sting a little if they connected. But Keira hadn’t survived as many solo Warrior fights as she had by ignoring Danger Sense about anything. On pure reflex, she reached over her shoulder, grabbed the hilt, and drew her greatsword, tearing it free from its coverings and displaying the gleaming metal to dozens of civilian onlookers.

…

What? Don’t look at me like that. Of course Keira brought her greatsword with her to Walmart. Just who did you think I was writing this story about?

Anyway, the moment that Keira drew her greatsword, multiple things happened. First, the irate man screeched to a halt and voided his bowels, not necessarily in that order. Second, Keira realized far too late what she’d done and froze. Third, a nearby gaggle of nerds pointed and gasped.

“Oh shit, it’s a cosplayer!” One yelled, like he’d found a shiny Pokemon.

“What?” Keira remarked, jarred out of her mortification. “Ah, no. I’ve done enough research to know what that is, and I must regretfully inform you that I am, in fact, an Elf.” She should have played enough with the charade, but denying her sense of self to that degree was going a step too far.

A second nerd nodded, impressed. “Wow, she really stays in character.”

They kept babbling before Keira could get another word in edgewise. “That’s the best-looking wig I’ve ever seen!”

“You have got to tell me your skincare routine.”

“IS NO ONE GOING TO MENTION THE BIG FUCKING SWORD?!”

The clamor continued. Shock, awe, and everything in-between suffused the atmosphere as Keira was barraged with questions. Emotions ran high, and everyone had something to say.

Except the cashier. It wasn’t even in the Top 10 weirdest things he’d seen all week.

–

Rob was waiting for her when she made her way back to his home. He glanced at her exposed ears and the greatsword on her back and sighed. “What happened?”

Keira winced, suppressing her embarrassment as she told the complete, unvarnished truth of what had transpired. Rob stared for several seconds that lasted for an eternity.

“Actually,” he said, “That went better than I would have expected.”