Broken | The Horny Post | 12/15/23 (Patreon)

I am in my early 20s. This means I am lost and confused. I fear that when I grow older I will still be lost and confused. I dropped out of college in my senior year because I failed every class and lost my scholarship. I published a book that 23 people bought and my reports show that no one has purchased since March. I spent three years as a girl only to return to the label of femboy for reasons I tell myself were only motivated by internal conflict but may have been influenced by the large anti-trans sentiment growing in my country. I am a boy who wants to be a wife. I was abused by a girl who blamed her actions on being addicted to weed for 10 months and 9 months later I have not recovered in the slightest. I wanted to be a researcher growing up and now I make erotic audios in the hope someone will be close enough and find me cute enough to date. I've run out of 3/4 of my medications I need because I got lazy and am almost out of my 4th. I spend every day hoping to grow my audience and cry when I lose support or don't gain 5 subscribers in a day. I'm lacking when it comes to smartness and cannot find a livable income. I suffer from anxiety that may be a condition or may not be. (EVERYBODY HAS ANXIETY, CARTMAN) I consider myself kind of trans because of the hormones, but find myself growing hostile to my own people because of how they have treated me online and in person. I live with my mom without a real income and currently don't see how I can be independent. 

I may call myself broken, but when I look at the shattered glass from afar I see the bigger picture. I am not broken. Those shards are not shards, but leaves scattered across the autumn ground. The space dividing each leaf is a wealth of experience of the good and the bad forming the thread of our lives. I have seen amazing people do horrendous things and seen horrible people make the kindest gestors. No one is completely good or bad. Those people who hurt me, I want to forgive them. Not to alleviate any tinges of guilt they may feel, but so that I can move forward. I have been costing off my anger and fear of those who made it known that I am their enemy and using it to run away from responsibility. To tell myself that I am broken and therefore I need not progress my life. Margo, Saffron, Robbin, Alice, Jade, Sydney, Eliza, Oliver, Theo, Valery, and Crystal; I forgive you. I recognize what you did you may see as merely a blip in your life. Perhaps you did not mean to burn me and perhaps I burned you as well. I am sorry. I only ever wanted you to be happy and content. I understand your life circumstances may have lead you to believe that affection was harm and that abuse was love. It was my mistake to try to change you to see things my way. I do not fit in with the abused, or at least I did not when I loved. "To have love and lost is better than to never have loved at all." (A.H.H.) 

It is my drive to move forward by decorating this effigy of cobalt and wire. I recognize the possibility that these demons may haunt me for life, but the fear of poltergeists I cannot permit. With a solemn leap and an alabaster smile, I thank you for the roses laid at my door step.