A Simple Life: Chapter 115 (Patreon)

I run and run and run.  A person tries to stop me.  To talk to me.  I escape them, but not their judging eyes.  Why did everyone have to keep looking at me!?  Why couldn’t they just leave me alone!?  I knew the answer of course.  I was a freak.  A girlish, stupid, selfish freak of a man.  People couldn’t help but to look at a freak.  They hated me because I deserved it!

As aimless as a lost kite caught in a raging tornado I run on pure instinct.  The world passes by in a blur.  I wish I had my bike.  I could go even faster.  Caught up in the chaotic whirlwind of thoughts and feelings I let my legs carry me to the safety of solitude.  Just run Avery.  Just run.

***

The encompassing sound of the surf.  The permeating pungent aroma of ocean and sand and seaweed and conifer.  The bitter taste of salt and adrenaline.  The scratchy feel of the rough fibrous bark of cedar against my soft palms.  The unfolding existence of the little black and copper ant exploring its way up the long woody grains of the trunk.  I shift closer to watch it more intently while it goes about its life as if I wasn’t even there.

Oh to be that tiny ant.  To act with purpose.  To know your place.  To belong without even thinking about it.  How nice that must be.  It would have no doubts about who it was or what it was doing taking up space in a world that didn’t need it around.  It didn’t need to worry about not having a father or about being lied to its whole life or about being a bad son.

I wanted to be a good person.  I really did.  I didn’t want to let my family down, again.  Maybe they’d love me more if I gave them money?  Maybe the money really would fix everything.  Maybe it would make us…happy.  But Grandpa loved the Anna Bella.  So did I.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was so lost.  Not like that ant as it went to gather food for its family.

***

The buzzing of my phone breaks me out of the spiral of thoughts I hadn’t even realized that I was trapped in.  In a sort of daze I answer the moment I see who it was.

“G-G-Grandpa.”

“Hey Buttercup.”   He says in that kind voice he used when I was low.  “How you doin my boy?”

“Um.”  I shift from foot to foot, only now realizing that I was squatted down amongst some bushes beside a tree.  “Um…I…um…I d-don’t know Grandpa.”

“It’s okay.  It’s okay Avery.”  He says softly.  “Hey, where are ya?”

“Um…”  I look around.  “I’m…um…I’m in a p-park.”  I peer up over the shrubbery to get my bearings.  “I’m in D-D-Del P-Park.”

“Del Park.  Oh that’s great.  That’s perfect.  You’re right close to the docks.”

“Yeah.”  I sniffle and wipe my nose.  “I’m s-sorry Grandpa.”

“Heyyyy.  It’s all good buddy.  You never have to say that to me.  You know that.”  He says, pouring every ounce of care he had in him through our phone speaker.  “Hey, I need you to do me a great big favor.  Okay?”

“F-F-Favor?”

“Do you have your keys on you?”

“Um…yeah.”

“That’s my guy.”  In the background I hear the low mumble of another voice.  I think it was Mom.  He shushes her then continues talking to me.  “Hey listen.  My ol’ memory ain’t what it used to be.  I think I might have left the coffee pot on on the Bella.  You mind going to check for me?”

“I c-can do that G-Grandpa.”

“You’re the best Buttercup.”  He says with love in every word.  His tone is warm, nurturing, direct, but never condescending as he throws me just the lifeline I desperately needed right now.  “Go to the Bella.  It’s just a couple blocks away.  Take the beach route.  It’s quiet.  Won’t be too many people this time of day.  Go to the Bella and you wait there, okay?  Can you do that for me?”

“Yeah.”

“Atta boy.  I need to…talk to your mother for a few minutes, but Winona is coming to see you right away.  Right away.”  Behind him I hear a voice receding but cannot make out what was said.  “She’s already on the way.  She’ll be there before you know it.  I won’t be far behind.”

I take a breath and sigh.  “G-Grandpa?”

“Yeah.”

“I-I-I’m okay.  Y-You d-don’t have to w-worry.”

“Whose worried?”  He quips.  “I just don’t want the coffee to burn!”

I sniffle and giggle as I wipe some tears from my cheeks.  “I l-love you Grandpa.”

“And IIII loooove youuuu.”  With a swell of uplifting energy he sings the last few notes of our song.  “See you soon.”

“See you soon.”

I pocket my phone and take a deep breath.  I felt drained and a little numb like I always did after my outbursts but at least I felt like I had my feet under me again.  I knew it was selfish and childish of me to think it but…what was I going to do without him once he was gone?

“Good l-luck ant.  I’m r-rootin for you.”  I whisper before standing and brushing myself of leaves and twigs.

Looking about to make sure nobody was watching I step out into the soft lawn of Del Park and walk slowly toward the beach.  As I stroll along the shore’s edge I watch the little bobbing heads of the harbor seals out in the water.  Seals always had a way of lifting my mood, no matter how low it had sunk.

Much more grounded now more mature and nuanced emotions begin to swirl.  I was embarrassed of course.  I don’t even know who saw me blubbering my way here.  I’m sure I’d find out soon enough.  And to have Winona again have to come check on me…geez.  She really didn’t deserve a boyfriend with so many issues.  I felt disappointed too.  Right in front of my mom I confirmed every bad thing that she already knew about me.  I simply had to stop having these outbursts.  I knew it wasn’t healthy to let myself to get so caught up by my feelings.  Though in the moment I always felt so powerless to stop it.  I also felt betrayed.  Mom suggesting that I lie to Grandpa in my last months with him then sell his beloved home the moment his body cooled left me sick to the stomach.  And all for money?  She wasn’t wrong about the good the extra cash might do but…yuck!  And I was feeling shell shocked.  The nasty, brutish man that I called Dad was not actually my biological father?  I didn’t have a clue how to even begin to feel about that.  In my present state of mind it was just beyond me to even think about that.  There would be time to process it later.  Right now I had to just find my center again.  That, and I had to check on Grandpa’s coffee.  With something practical and real to focus on I carry on with the same directed purpose of that ant on the cedar.

As I continue on I realize that most of all I felt really, really hurt.  I would have traded any number of slaps from my big brother for having to live through that conversation with Mom again.  I knew she was having a hard time of things and I knew I should be doing more for her but…why did she have to be so cruel?  I knew I wasn’t perfect.  Like her and everyone in this family I had problems.  But why couldn’t she see that I was doing my best?  Why couldn’t we hold each other up instead of tearing each other down?  Why couldn’t we have what Winona and her dad had?  And even if that was a bridge too far, why couldn’t we just be…better?

After a few calming minutes of walking by the sea I stop a moment to take a handful of sand just to feel the soothing mass of cool, damp grains rub against my skin while I strolled on and collected myself.  Back among something natural I was feeling more myself by the minute.  That clever old Grandpa.  Take the beach he said.  He knew exactly what he was doing.  God how I loved him.  As I near the weathered concrete stairs that lead from the beach up to the parking lot of the docks I hear the roar of an engine followed by the squawk of rubber biting asphalt.  There’s the slam of a door and a moment later I can just make out a head of familiar black hair dashing full out down the dock toward Grandpa’s home.

“Winona!”  I call.  She slides to a stop and starts looking around her in search of the voice.  “Winona!”  I call again and begin to wave.

After a moment she spots me and waves back.  She is nearly frantic as she starts looking about for a way down to me.  Despite the fact that I was pointing her toward the stairs she opts instead to run straight at the railing…and jump it!  My heart catches in my throat as I watch her free fall to the rocky sand below.  My worries are for nothing as she lands like a panther then springs into a full run right at me.

“I’m ok-kay.”  I say as I watch her close in with that powerfully protective look in her hazel eyes.  “R-Really.  I’m f-fine.”  Mere words weren’t about to stop her now though.  “OOMPH!”  She hits with the force of a tidal wave and wraps me up in a all consuming bear hug.  Despite the roller coaster I’d just been on this past half hour I am smiling like an idiot as she squeezes me with all her strength.  “Rrrg!  You’re…c-crushing…m-m-me!”

“Oh!”  She lets up the hug without releasing it.  Pulling back enough to look me in the eyes she says.  “What’s going on?”

“S-S-Sorry.”  I peep.  “I-I d-didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Your Mom?  What did she say to you?  What happened?”

I give her a smile to reassure her.  “Sh-She said a lot of st-stuff.  I just had a m-moment.  I overreacted, ag-gain.  I’m okay now.”

She searches my eyes as if they might somehow give her a window what happened.  “Oh Avery.”  Cupping my cheeks she kisses me softly, then whispers.  “If you gotta run baby, run to me.  Okay?”

“I’m s-sorry.”

As she puts her arms around me again I lay my head on her shoulder and let her hug me and stroke me like I knew she needed.  I needed it too.  It killed me to worry her like this.  I wished I could be stronger for her.  And someday, hopefully, I would be.  But for right now this is just where we needed to be.

Chapter 116