A Love So Deep: Chapter 28 (Patreon)

Here I am in this world of wonders, glowing jellies floating around me within this miraculous underwater garden-library with a fantastical city on display beyond the grand window, and it's humans that the incredible Ellerie called amazing?  She was as sweet as sugar but she certainly had some things to learn about the world.  Although, as I thought about it, had our roles been reversed I suppose I would feel much the same as her.

I hold her and comfort her as best I can.  My ability to console my silly friend was massively hampered by my inability to speak, as was everything else.  I was tempted to continue Ellerie and I’s playtime by giving her a naughty student show just as she had in her role as teacher, but learning even rudimentary communication was so much more urgent and important right now.  Besides…I wasn’t nearly as confident in myself as Ellerie was to give a display like that here in this big open library.

I pull back, holding her at arm’s length while giving her an assuring smile.  I pat her cheek and ruffle her head tendrils.  “Silly girl.”

She pouts and sputters her lips to make sound back at me in that way she had when she wanted to make human noises.  I wished I could have taught her my language in return but from what I could tell she had no vocal cords with which to speak.  Though…perhaps I was wrong.  Taking her hand I bring it to my throat and hum a long low note.

“Mmmmmm.”  Her glum face lights up, her mood shifting as swiftly as the colors on her tentacles.  Gently she rubs the little nub of my Adam’s apple as the other fingers hold flat down my neck.  I take a breath and do it again.  “Mmmmmm.”

“He he he.”  She giggles and burbles her lips in return.

I reach up and lightly touch her throat and give her a nod to copy me.  At first she looked surprised by my request, but she understood well enough what I was asking.  She presses her lips together and gets a look of concentration, but nothing happens.  She swallows as few time and feel her throat moving up and down as she tried to summon any sort of noise from her neck, again nothing.  I lower my hand.

“Maybe…maybe we just can’t talk each other’s language.  I can’t make those funny sounds.”  Ellerie says.  “Maybe they’re right.  Maybe you don’t have that kind of magic.  You think?”

I shake my head no.  There was no way I was giving up that easily.

Feeding off of my determination Ellerie perks up.  “You’re right!  We’ll show them.”  Straightening up and smoothing out her clothes she returns to the Grumplepud.  She holds her hand out as, with the other, she gives its antenna thing a little twist.  The milky round crystal drops into her palm.  Returning to me she places it in my hand.  “Here.”  She says.  “The crystal will still glow if it can read you.  I might be a lousy teacher but…”  She closes my finger over the bead and holds my hand in both of hers.  “…I know that you can do it.  I just know you can.”  She squeezes my hand tight.  “Mistress says that to be a good mentor, or mother, one must be willing to step aside sometimes…to get out of the way.”  Motioning behind her she says.  “I will be right here if you need any help at all.  I’ll…try not to distract you.”

Ellerie had the desire to teach me but this was her recognizing that she hadn’t the knowledge to do it.  It was her acknowledging her own limitations and putting my interest before her own.  I give her a thankful nod.  She saw how important this was to me and I think it was nearly as important to her too.  I sure appreciated the care she was showing me.  She called herself a lousy teacher but so many people I knew up above could have learned a thing or two from her.  I kiss her cherubic cheek.  “Thank you.”

She blurts her lips, pats my hand and heads to the nearby bookshelf to choose a bit of reading material then moves off to the edge of our ledge to settle down to read.  When she catches me looking at her she gives me a stern glare and directs my attention to my hand, as if to say “Get to work!”, then giggles and returns to her reading.

I look down.  Opening my hand I inspect the marble sized crystal in my palm.  Nothing about it looked particularly special yet I knew there was real magic within it.  But was there magic within me?  Cute as it was I was thankful to be rid of the Grumplepud.  A baby might find it motivating but not an adult.  The bright child’s toy would have only made me feel pathetic as I failed and failed again to achieve what even toddlers down here could do naturally.  I lay down in the soft sandy soil, the supple sea grass licking at my sides, and hold the bauble above me between a finger and thumb.  I stare into its depths as if searching for some sort of revelation or secret within the translucent bead itself.

I try this and that, doing what I think a telepath would do to project their thoughts.  I try different words and different moods and even turn the bead to try different angles.  Stubbornly the magic crystal remains dim.  Eventually I settle onto a single word.  My name.  If I could just get one simple basic word it might make the next one easier.

‘Mireya.’  I think at it.  ‘Mireya.  Mireya.  Mireya.  My name is Mireya.’

‘No it isn’t.’  That dark, evil voice from deep inside of me seeps out from its hidden place.  ‘That’s not your REAL name.  Is it?’

I let out a snort and clench my teeth hard as try to block it out and focus even harder on my task.

‘Mireya.  Mireya.  Mireya.  My name is…”

‘…Manuel.’

As I hear my deadname I let out a pained gasp as all of the fight in me wilts like a tender pansy planted in the desert.  Valiantly I try to keep my focus, but the beast now had me in its grasp.

‘Mireya…M-Mir…’

‘Abuelita was so proud of her little Manuel, remember?’

“No.”  I whimper and beg.  “Leave me alone.  Please.”

‘Remember how you disappointed her?  You disappointed everyone.  She never really understood, did she?  And she showed such faith in you too.’

“No…Grandma understood…she was the only one that really underst…she…loves…”  My voice falters, my arms pull into my chest as if I could somehow protect my heart from the monster that already dwells there.

The more I responded to it the louder it got.  ‘She never truly loved Mireya…did she?  She only loved Manuel.  Her love was for him.’

“That’s not true.  You know that’s not true.  She loves me.”

‘Loved.  Past tense.  To her you are dead.  Poor Abuelita, crying for her lost grandchild.  Is she mourning Mireya?  Or her precious nieto?  You know that she weeps for him.’

“NO!  Please!  Leave me alone!  Why can’t you leave me alone?”

‘Manuellll…”

“Do you need help?”  The bright voice of Ellerie cuts through the dialog and brings me back from the shadow.

“Huh?”  I say.

She was beside me, I hadn’t even noticed her move.  Smiling down at me she sits on the ground at my shoulder and pets my hair.  “Aw, don’t be sad.  It’s okay.  You’re still new.  You’re learning.  It will take some time.  That’s all.”

I blink, tears in my eyes.

“Would you like me to hold your hand?”  She offers.  “When I’m frustrated it helps to know someone is there with me.”  Sensing my answer she reaches down and takes my hand in hers.  “I know you can do it.  I believe in you.”  Three of her tentacles come across my body to casually rest on me as she settles into her spot.  With a precious smile she says.  “Sorry, I’ll be quiet now.”  Holding her book up with a couple of her other tentacles she returns to reading and leaves me in peace.

And it was peace she left me in.  I lay there and listen…the voice was gone.  The beast back in hiding.  Just like last night in Stheera’s arms the presence of Ellerie had silenced it.  Her simple kind gesture of holding my hand momentarily robbing it of its voice and its power.  My grip on her on her slender hand tightens just a little.  Bringing the bead back up to start at it again I pour all of my will into starting again.

‘Mireya.  Mireya.  My name is Mireya!’