I'm stuck (Pixiv Fanbox)

Hey GG long time no see

you can treat this post as a casual chat

It has nothing to do with my video

I have a lot to say

I feel like there are 2000 things stuck in my head

so I expect this post will be very long

I'm going to get a cup of hot cocoa and you should get some of your favorite drink too

Let's do it one by one:

Why am I writing this post now?

i found out i might not be able to finish my ear fuck video today

now It's AM02:24

then I lay in bed hoping to replenish some energy and and see if i can get up early tomorrow to finish the video

I'll be honest with you guys I don't think the quality of this video is higher than Ryza

at least the screen effects are not

you can even see a preview of the video from the cover of my post

I lie in bed and ask myself

"Are you going to show this thing to others?"

"This one doesn't get any better than the last one"

Believe it or not

at that moment my left temple started to hurt

then I began to believe that stress is indeed directly related to headaches

i remembered my ex-boss getting a headache every day since he opened the restaurant

now i believe this should definitely be related

let’s talk about what happened a few days ago

I received a comment in the message

he say: this better then GurochanOP

I'm not going to hide anything including names

When I saw this comment my first thought was:

"thank you for the compliment but I actually got a lot of inspiration from GurochanOP

he is undoubtedly one of the best Guro animation creators"

it's true

I like his videos very much

I've been a fan of his since before I started making videos

But I'm a bit overwhelmed by this sudden happening

I'm not sure about doing this "Is it right?"

Will this comment cause unnecessary trouble?

honestly I don't want to see someone say X is better than YThat's not my purpose

the person I want to surpass is myself, not others

we need every creator to give us more stuff to watch

I discuss this with my friends

he is the manager of a company

In fact he is the son of the general manager of that company

he's the second biggest person in the whole company

and his normal job is to deal with other people

handle many things in the company

I asked him how I might respond to this comment

can I just say what I think?

He told me you should delete this comment

the sooner the better

because if more and more people see them they may discuss a lot of things

and you don't want these things to happen

so you should delete it

in the future also

I asked him, "shouldn't I maintain freedom of speech?"

He told me it had nothing to do with free speech

people don't discuss anything on Pixiv

the comment area of ​​Pixiv should only contain words of thanks and love

this is your personal space and it's your duty to keep order here

because I'm really nervous

so at that time I listened to him and deleted the comment.

sent a message to the person who commented

"I appreciate your support, but let's not make the "X better than Y'' arguments in public, since I don't want no drama. Sorry had to take your comment out."

this is not what I would write at all

this is just my friend telling me this is a better response

because I was really busy those days

so I ended this thing like this

I received an apology from him a few days ago

just after I sent out a very formal delete apology

he said he didn't know it was causing me any trouble and he was sorry

I started thinking:

did I do wrong

I think it's wrong to do this

solve problems in a way that doesn't belong to me

then send a message that doesn't belong to me

I went to my old friend to discuss this matter

I haven't seen him in a while

We talked in his living room from 10 am to 6 pm

I told him my true feelings

He told me I might be wrong about one thing

I shouldn't ask the head of a company about this kind of thing

because I am not a company

i think he's right

that's why I'm talking about it here

I won't delete a comment and then pretend it didn't happen

that's wrong

at least not for me

of course I am also very grateful for the advice my friends gave me

he used his training in his environment to come up with a solution that he thought was best

I often check whether I have become the person I don’t want to be

I hope that no matter how much time passes, I can be the person who makes videos just because I like them

then I talked to him about how I had a headache for several days a few days ago

He told me that there could be many causes of headaches

I heard that some people get headaches if they drink coffee

and some people get headaches if they don’t drink coffee

Chocolate too

I heard that sometimes eating chocolate can give you a headache

Sometimes eating chocolate can relieve headaches

I don't understand the reasoning of this at all

it doesn't make sense at all

but I can't understand whether I should drink coffee/chocolate or not

then I chatted with him about my work on making videos

we used to fight together in Apex legends for a long time

every time before we start playing the game

I always go to the shooting range and shoot for 15 minutes to warm up

even though we may only have two hours of game time

He always starts the game by himself, maybe one or two

I once asked him: don't you believe that warming up will help your performance?

He just told me: he believed there was, but he didn't care he just wanted to play the game

I'll record every fight with a video program

i wanna know how i screwed up

Then I will use PotPlayer 64 bit to cut one second into 24 frames

to track every shot I miss

then after he goes to bed I might go back to the range and shoot another 10,000 bullets if I have time

When I was talking to him about making a video

I told him that I started making videos in November last year

It’s less than a year now

he said he could totally understand why I improved

because I must be doing it 16 fucking hours a day

Then do it every day

i must say he really knows me well

Because I really do this

I told him I want every time to be better than the last

once we lost the game

I think it's his fault

He told me: "come on no one can win every time. sometimes you will lose, sometimes you will win You don't need to review every mistake"

I told him how I felt:

If you think like this, how do you know when you win that it's you who got stronger and not your opponent who was weaker than last time?

You should know how you lost

you will be stronger than last time

I told him it's not that I can't accept losing

I can be defeated by an entire team of apex predators and learn something new

but I can't accept that I lost but I don't know how I lost

if you're not better than last time

You better not play

He just told me: Who the fuck would play a game like that,You may be the only one in the world who plays games like this. This is called working, not a game.

when I told him I make videos the same way

he told me he could totally understand why I had a headache

I told him that I couldn't accept that I couldn't come up with something better than the last time.

then he told me: If you improve by 20 points at a time, the full score will be 100

that mean you only cane make 5 progresses

so you can only do 5 videos

Have you ever thought that you can just improve by 1 point at a time?

I told him that I think the full score is definitely not 100

there are many things i can learn

there are many things I can do better

He asked me: OK, who do you think has perfect scores?

i think about it

I told him: DreamWorks...?

i dont know

he looks like I'm an idiot

he told me one more time and now he knows exactly why I have a headache

other than that he didn't say much although it was written all over his face

I was stuck for a very long time when I was doing an ear fuck video

because i never did

I don't know what content should be in a topic like this

so I have no clue how to do better than last time

where is this standard?

To be honest, I feel like I've said a bunch of stuff but I still don't know what I'm talking about.

I think it's not just that I don't speak English, I'm probably not good with words.

My thinking is: if this thing isn't better than the last time I shouldn't take it out

I should have waited until I could reach the standard I expected before taking it out

But I have absolutely no idea where that standard is

so....i don't know

I think there are many, many, many, many more videos to do

these things are all in my itinerary

but I feel like there's never enough time

oh don’t take this as a complaint

I actually enjoy making videos

But I have high demands on myself

I sometimes feel

"This looks like KK's work"

"This is what KK did, otherwise what do you want?"

"If you think like this you won't make progress"

"oh yeah? then what do you want to do?"

that's all

I'm arguing with myself

I always thought I was a person without any pressure

Until I discovered that I have been thinking about videos every day while eating, sleeping and bathing

Just realized a little bit:

am I pushing myself too hard?

i dont know

I will tell myself: There is still a long way to go

you are just getting started

No need to rush

These things

I know it all

because of Nahida wallpaper I made it for ten days

so messed up a lot of plans

This is why I almost didn’t write a weekly report in August

man, is really busy this month

I'm starting to wonder if I should put the ear fuck videos aside for now

Do other videos first that I know how to make

My mind is a mess right now

I don’t know how other creators solve this kind of thing

I really wish other people would write weekly reports and tell me about their situations

what should they do when they encounter such a thing

uh...but since I'm writing a weekly

So if one day I know the method I will tell you

I really want to rest for a few days

tidy myself up

with these videos

but i'm not sure if i'll really take a few days off

will there be more schedule delays?

I don't have an answer to this question right now because my mind is in a mess

i think i'll continue to do this ear fuck video tomorrow

see if i can make it up to my expected standard

This is not a weekly report

It's more like...I don't know

Tell you I'm weak now

when i used to be a restaurant manager

We don't say anything that has nothing to do with work

and I have to try to be as perfect as possible

You shouldn't tell anyone "I don't know"

You are their leader. You can't say you don't know.

But I feel like I'm not now

In fact, I really don't know a lot of things

I don't think of myself as a manager or anything like that

i'm just me

In some way

I'm glad I'm still me

tell you straight up what happened

Instead of posting a work that I am not satisfied with

or tell a lot of lies

to be honest, I feel better after telling you these things.

two hours ago I was lying in bed with a headache and couldn't sleep

then now it's 04:27

I feel like my headache is gone and my eyelids are heavy

Hope I wake up with inspiration how to finish a new video

that's all

thanks for your willingness to read through this crap lol

I can go back and lie down