ムムム　♯3101 (Pixiv Fanbox)

ごめんなさい今も混乱してます。

イブの事で知りたくない事実が発覚したので、

長いし、不快になりたくない人は見ないほうがいいかも。

文章に纏めると客観的に見れて少し落ち着けるんです。

イブの葬儀を無事に終えることが出来ました。

前日は大雨だったけど、昨日は晴れやかな晴天で

葬儀を一昨日ではなく昨日出来た事は良かったなと思いました。

安くない葬儀代は母が出してくれました。

母、姉と話し合うことが出来て遺品整理もして

気持ち的にようやく前を向けるようになってました。

昨日父と話し合いをして、和解とまではいかないけど

父にはイブに対しての後悔の念と、私に対して申し訳ないという気持ちが強くあったそうで、一昨日、父は言葉が出なくなってたそうです。

私の何よりも大事な宝物を奪ってしまった事を強く後悔してました。

その事実は受け止める事にしました。

でも信じがたい事実が発覚し、今またやるせない気持ちになっています。

父だけではなく母も…。

実は一ヶ月前にもイブは父の爆音の「くしゃみ」で痙攣を起こしてたそうです。

父のくしゃみはうるさいなんて生易しいものではなく、同じ部屋にいると鼓膜が破裂するんじゃないかと思うほどで、今でも心臓が止まりそうになります。

例えるなら予兆無く爆発する音爆弾のようなものです。

そこで父は酷く後悔し、二度とイブの前でくしゃみをしないと誓ったそうです。

でもその事実は私に伏せられていました。

私もイブが父のくしゃみに反応したのを見た事がなかったし、父のくしゃみが煩いのは私が子供の頃からだったのでそういうものだと受け入れてしまっていた。

ここは私にも大いに責任があると感じています。

知りたくない事実だったし受け入れられないけど、母にその事実を伝えました。

そしたら母もその事実は把握していて、父は私に言いませんでしたが

父はイブがくしゃみで痙攣を起こしたことをちゃんと母に伝えていたそうです。

そしてその事実は私に怒られる事を恐れた母からも伏せられていたのです。

母が父を庇っていた事になります。

その事実を今日の今まで黙っていました。

じゃあ何？イブが死んだのは怒らせると思わせた私のせいなの？

誓って言いますが、私は相手を不必要に攻め立てるような事は絶対にしません。

正直に謝罪した相手をいつまでも攻め立てたりもしません。

父と母は精神的に脆く保身的な所があり。

「保身は自分も他人も不幸にするだけだから人間は正直が一番だよ」

と何度も両親には言っていました。

父のくしゃみについても、耳が痛いから気をつけてほしいと何度も言っていました。

素直に伝えてくれてれば。私はイブを自室に避難させ確実にイブは救えていました。

この一ヶ月以上イブの横にいつ爆発するかわからない爆弾が置かれており、両親は爆弾の存在を知っていたのに私に黙っていた事になります。

そして3日前、父のくしゃみでイブでショック死した。

その事実は3日前イブが痙攣した時でさえ私には伏せられていた。

イブが助かる可能性は数多く存在していました。

・両親がすぐ私に痙攣を起こした事実を伝え、痙攣薬を使っていれば

・親が痙攣薬の存在を覚えていれば。

・母がネットで痙攣の対策を調べ、痙攣薬を思い出していれば

・私がもっと早くリビングに下りていれば。

・父がくしゃみをしなければ。

・時間帯が夜遅くじゃなければ。

・すぐに対応してくれる病院がみつかれば。

・一月前の痙攣を私に教えてくれていれば

・私がイブをもっと早く自室に移動させていれば。

・父がくしゃみした時たまたまイブが起きていなければ

・私が父のくしゃみでイブがショックを起こすことを予想できてれば。

この可能性の多くは私の知らないところで潰され

運命がイブの命を奪おうとしているようにさえ感じます。

親が正直に話してくれた事には感謝はするけど

命に関わる事なのに保身を優先し隠蔽した事実を私は許せないし

人として尊敬できないと思ったのが正直な気持ち。

せめて葬儀前に教えてくれてればまた違ったかもしれないけど

いや、たぶんそれでも納得はできなかった…。

今私の対応次第で家族関係が崩壊する可能性がある。

でもイブの死を理由にそんな事になるのは嫌だ。

自分でも精神状態がおかしいのを自覚してるし。

今は冷静な判断ができない。

悲しい事ばかり書いてもうしわけないですが

落ち着くまでもう少しかかりそうです。

でも頑張って頑張って、戻ります。

Sorry, I'm still confused.

I just found out some facts about Eve that I didn't want to know.

It's long and if you don't want to be offended, you probably shouldn't look at it.

Putting it all together in writing allows me to look at it objectively and calm down a bit.

Yesterday we were able to successfully complete Eve's funeral.

It rained heavily the day before, but yesterday was a beautiful sunny day.

I was glad that we could do the funeral today instead of the day before yesterday.

My mother paid for the funeral, which was not cheap.

I was able to talk with my mother and sister and sort out her belongings.

I was finally able to look forward to the future.

Yesterday, I had a discussion with my father and we came to an agreement, not quite a reconciliation.

My father said that he had a strong sense of regret for Eve, and that he felt sorry for me, and the day before yesterday, he was at a loss for words.

He strongly regretted that he had taken away my most precious treasure.

I decided to accept that fact.

But now that I have discovered the unbelievable truth, I am feeling a sense of helplessness again.

Not only my father, but also my mother.

In fact, a month ago, Eve had a seizure because of my father's explosive "sneeze".

My father's sneezes are not so loud that I think my eardrums will burst if I am in the same room with him, and even now my heart almost stops.

It was like a sound bomb exploding without warning.

My father regretted it so much that he vowed never to sneeze in front of Eve again.

But he kept that fact from me.

I had never seen Eve react to my father's sneezing, and since my father's sneezing had been bothersome since I was a child, I had accepted it as such.

I feel that I am very much responsible here.

It was a fact that I did not want to know and I could not accept, but I told my mother about it.

Then my mother was aware of that fact, too, and my father didn't tell me.

My father did not tell me, but he did tell my mother that Eve sneezed and had a seizure.

My mother, who was afraid that I would be angry with her, kept this fact from me.

My mother was protecting my father.

I kept quiet about that fact until today.

Then what? Is it my fault that Eve died because I made her think I was angry with her?

I swear to you, I would never do anything to unnecessarily offend someone.

I would never go on and on about someone who had honestly apologized to me.

My father and mother were emotionally fragile and self-protective.

I have told my parents many times, "Honesty is the best thing for a human being because self-preservation only makes you and others unhappy."

I told my parents many times.

I also told them many times to be careful about my father's sneezing because it hurts my ears.

If only they had been honest enough to tell me. I would have evacuated Eve to my room and saved her for sure.

For more than a month, a bomb had been sitting next to Eve, ready to explode at any moment, and my parents had known about it but had not told me.

Then, three days ago, my father sneezed and died of shock at Eve.

That fact was kept from me even when Eve convulsed three days ago.

There were numerous possibilities that Eve could have survived.

If my parents had told me immediately that she had a seizure and used a seizure medication, I would have been able to save her.

If only my parents had remembered that seizure medicine existed.

If only my mother had looked up seizure remedies on the Internet and remembered the seizure meds.

If I had come down to the living room earlier.

If my father had not sneezed.

If only it had not been late at night.

If only I could have found a hospital that could help me right away.

If only he had told me about the cramps a month ago.

If only I had moved Eve to her room earlier.

If Eve hadn't happened to be awake when my father sneezed.

If I had been able to predict that Eve would go into shock when my father sneezed.

Many of these possibilities would have been squashed without my knowledge.

I even feel as if fate is about to take Eve's life.

I do appreciate my parents being honest with me, though.

I can't forgive the fact that they put self-preservation first and covered up a life-threatening situation.

I honestly felt that I could not respect them as human beings.

If you had at least told me before the funeral, it might have been different.

No, I probably still wouldn't have been satisfied...

Depending on how I responded now, the family relationship could be disrupted.

But I don't want that to happen because of Eve's death.

I am aware that I am in a mental state.

I can't make a calm decision right now.

I'm sorry for writing so many sad things.

It will take me a little longer to calm down.

But I will do my best and come back.