More Life Updated: Taking back control little by little (Pixiv Fanbox)

Thank you guys so much for your words of encouragement. Ive been reading your comments and messages every day and it's been making me so happy to see.

My days have been down and up, but at least there are Up's so that's an excellent start. Lately Ive just been so depressed getting out of bed has just been a chore.

I feel the weight of my decisions very heavily on my heart and bones and my thoughts have been clouded by stress to please myself. I could keep continuing things how I have been but as I grow as an artist ive been getting less and less happy with how I'm doing things and I always want to do right by myself as well as you.

So I'm in this struggle because you're all the most important things, so when Im not drawing I feel horrible and guilty and unmotivated, but when I AM drawing I feel like my practices and my life tends to fall apart because I neglect them so much.

I think a big factor of this is that I'm still working at my job for a few days and just having those days sparsed throughout the week just kind of give me time limits to all my actions which makes my chest hurt.

So I've been taking the last week to do absolutely nothing but mope and be depressed but do little things that make me happy.

I picked up the Lorcana card game which is an absolute blast, Ive been hanging with my best friend too.

The thing is, though, Ive been doing nothing productive. The pressure to get everything done has made me get nothing done. My tablet is collecting dust and my house has degraded to a horrible mess that I couldnt bring myself to fix.

It's tough, because you try one thing and you feel crippling anxiety you arnt doing the other and the only good feeling move is to do nothing lol

So, I'm finally getting to the point where mornings = good and anything past 3 = Dead.

I know for a fact that you can get in a good mental state by keeping your surroundings clean, do some exercise, and eating lots of protein. So this morning im going to do all of those things and start my life back in the right direction and hopefully I can start drawing in a way that makes us all happy.

I'm so surprised the amount of people still supporting me this month. I feel like these past few months I've done nothing but let everyone down and every time you guys surprise me with your love and support. I promise even though I have periods where I'm catatonic it doesnt mean im trying any less.

I'm fighting, each and every day, to get better and be there with everything.

So thank you so much for giving me hope for the future.

Some days the struggles are harder than others and some of us have been through tougher times. It's hard to feel justified sometimes when you are having a breakdown, but I think the first step is to let myself feel how I do without guilting myself that I have nothing to feel sad about.

So today we're cleaning everything we can and making a good happy life, at least in the morning, and hopefully I'll be able to draw something nice soon. I have like 100+ ideas, it's just the brain thing flares up in bad ways.

Thank you so much for being here. And if you didnt stay, I completely understand! I love you all the same for all the times youve been there and just that you enjoy my work!