Uggggghhhhhhjhafhaksjd (Patreon)

So..... about midday yesterday I went to share some files with my calendar designer, Jackie, and realized that I hadn't backed up my second day of pin-up photos (Paladin, Warlock, and the Fighter reshoot — which means two out of the three are bodypaint looks and take an extra long time.) Unfortunately I had gotten up early that day to put in some hours on my current costume project (the one that's under NDA) so I had already formatted the card and recorded over it.

I'm gonna be honest, this is an extremely amateur mistake. It's rule #1 in photography to back up your files ASAP and double check it before formatting a card. The only reason I made this mistake is just because I am so fucking tired — I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted from the last few weeks, and two straight days of pin-up shoots with a hard deadline had drained the very last of my energy. I've been feeling like a total zombie and it came out in this incredibly stupid move that erased an entire day of work and set back calendar production.

Thankfully Jackie has plenty of other images to work on during this week, and we can still launch pre-orders on Nov. 1 even if we don't have all of the internal calendar images finished. But since my deliverables deadline for this NDA project is this Thursday, I absolutely cannot reshoot those pin-ups until Friday at the earliest. So that's a big wrench in the gears in general.

It's solvable, but I cried for a straight hour yesterday after realizing what happened because it was such a good feeling to think that pin-ups were done for the year, and then to realize that there's another loooooong day of shoots ahead of me was just such a blow.

I almost didn't want to share this with you guys, not just because I'm embarrassed (I absolutely am) but also because I know I've been in a low place for months now and I don't want to keep shoving it in your faces. I know no one would ever admit that it's a downer to watch someone else be depressed, but I know everybody is going through a lot right now and it feels unfair to burden everyone with my own shit on top of theirs — especially when, as a creator, I'm supposed to be the one bringing light into your lives.

And god knows I won't talk about it publicly, because well-meaning people will come out of the woodworks to tell me to take a break/get some rest/prioritize self-care, as if I don't desperately wish I could do that without fucking up my calendar release or ruining an incredibly valuable relationship with a hugely influential company.

So... as before. I'll rest in November (...around the move.) What's one more 12-hour workday, I guess?