Unforgivable (Patreon)

Alright! Time for this month's lore post. This time we are delving into the fallout between Chen and Ortega after the reveal of Sidestep's autopsy. This takes place early in Revelations, and will be repurposed as a scene in some paths where Sidestep still has enough of a relationship with either of them to be a part of this. If that doesn't happen, something like this might go down...

Enjoy! 

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Ortega's apartment, some unnamed time after Sidestep and Ortega were in a wreck together, and then shared too much in the hospital. Reveals of all sort, broken trusts and unearthed secrets. And now, a portentous absence leaving a hole behind for others to project into. For old friends to argue about.

Nothing cuts deeper than betrayal.

"How could you?" Ortega was pacing again, unable to sit still, channeling anger through action. Chen was familiar with that, but it was never nice to be on the receiving end. "You had pictures all these years... -pictures- of them on the operating table," she repeated, slightly louder. "And you never told me."

"I made the call," he tried, sacrificing a pawn to force a draw. Hopefully. Julia never played fair, in fights or arguments. "I decided the information was unreliable, at best only confirmation of what we already knew. An autopsy. Sidestep was dead. At worst..." He let out a sigh. "At worst it was a trap. Intended to wipe the rest of us out as well."

"Except that you were wrong," Ortega snapped, dark eyes flashing as she stopped to stare Chen down. "Sidestep was alive. This whole time. Captured. In pain. Thinking we abandoned them. That -I- abandoned them." She stressed the last sentence hard enough it might as well have been a dagger she shoved in Chen's gut.

"You mean I was the one that abandoned them, is that what you're saying?" Calm. No use losing his temper too.

"Damn right I am."

"You're not wrong," he admitted, shoulders sagging. "I did. And they told me as much."

"¡A la vé!" She threw up her arms as she stomped over to her fridge, pulling it open with enough force to nearly dislodge the door. As it was, the unit wobbled slightly before it settled back in place. "You took that choice from me." Her voice was cold as she stared into its frigid depths.

"Choice?" Chen remained seated at the kitchen table. At least they were having this argument in private instead of at the Rangers Headquarters. Keeping up appearances. "You would have gone after them, if nothing else to retrieve the body. And you would have died. Or worse."

"That was still my choice." She didn't look back, each word quick and sharp as a jab. "Beer?"

"Might as well," he replied. "And I couldn't lose you too." Not the Rangers. Him. Personally. A tactical choice but for wholly selfish reasons.

"You wouldn't have." Ortega turned back around, a beer in each hand as she kicked the door shut behind her. The shelves rattled but it didn't sound like anything broke. She popped the caps open before slamming one of them down on the table right in front of Chen. The impact made the foam rise, escaping the bottle, puddling around it on the table surface. She didn't react, instead she stepped back and took a swig of her beer, remaining on her feet.

"You're not immortal." Chen sipped his beer as well, choosing to ignore the puddle though everything in him screamed to get some paper towels to clean it up. Somehow this was part of the fight as well, though he wasn't sure how. "You don't know what you would be up against."

"Did you? At the time?" She didn't look away from him, daring him to lie. There was no answer there that wouldn't be a bad one.

"I didn't," he admitted, and quickly continued "But I assumed it was military. It had that feel. Definitely black ops, not something we could lean on even as Rangers. My contacts were spooked."

"I can handle the military," Ortega scoffed.

"Even back then?" Chen hated that he sounded like he was pleading, but maybe he was. "Before the upgrades? What were you planning to do?"

"I don't know, alright?!" She stopped to glare at him. "I would have found a way. I have friends. Powerful friends."

"I know!" Chen realized he was standing up now, having slammed both palms against the table. Only a miracle had kept the bottle upright. "I know you would have done everything in your power, and I was terrified that would have gotten us all killed. We're useful, sure, but we're also expendable." Security risks were removed. Ortega had no subtlety, that had always been her biggest liability.

"Speak for yourself," she muttered, voice filled with unfamiliar bitterness.

"What do you mean?" She hadn't intended for him to catch that, he was sure.

"You're a soldier. I'm a -project-." Her mouth twitched. "Don't try to change the subject. I could have done something. I should have done something." The desperation nearly broke her voice at last. "And you made sure I didn't, and look how that turned out. It nearly destroyed me. And them."

"What do you want me to say? That I regret it? I do, of course I do." He wished he could tune down his feelings just like he could tune down the neural input from his limbs. "And if I got to make the choice again, with the same information, I would have done the same thing."

"Even if it made me hate you?"

"At least you'd be alive to hate me."

"You can't always be the bigger man, Wei." She emptied the beer, no longer pacing but still standing up. "Even if you had them make you taller. Don't play the martyr here. You're not the only one who can make tough choices. Don't keep them to yourself."

"You loved Sidestep." Chen was the first of them to speak the word out loud. "Don't think I didn't notice. I didn't want to put you through that. Even if you'd rip your own heart out and decide to be rational, you'd be living with the image of them cut open on that autopsy table."

"I lived with the image of them falling. Hitting the ground. You know how close I was?" She looked down at her hand. "A fraction faster. If I hadn't..." A quick glance down, and she didn't finish the sentence. Sheathed the weapon they both knew she was capable of wielding. That Chen was still sane because she had lingered. "It might have been better to see a corpse. Closure."

"It might have been easier to share this if you weren't busy destroying yourself and talking to ghosts at the time. I couldn't trust you." Another pawn on his conscience, but at last he was threatening her king. Circumstances. This was not only on his shoulders.

"¡Vete a la verga!" She threw the bottle without thinking, and he raised his mechanical arm to parry. The glass smashed against the metal limb, sending shards everywhere. "¡No mames! Son unas mamadas, and you know it."

"Do I?" He raised his voice in return, matching her energy. "What do you even remember of that first year? Because let me tell you, I remember everything." The grueling pain of rehab somehow lesser than the pain of seeing his best friend and almost sister drink herself into oblivion to escape a grief he couldn't share. Couldn't share because he was needed. Move on. Push through.

"What do you want me to say?" Her voice cracked, almost imperceptibly. "Yes, I broke. Absolutely. Because there was nothing I could -do-" a shaky breath. "Nobody I could save. It was Hood and Elyise all over again but worse. I was safe. Nothing in there could touch me, I was supposed to be the one that saved people and I -failed-. And you robbed me of the opportunity to even -try- to make up for it."

"I'm sorry." Chen deflated with a sigh. "I did what I thought was best. I really did." He awkwardly picked at the shards that had landed on the table. No way of putting them back together again.

"I know. But that doesn't make me feel better," Ortega echoed his sigh, carefully walking over to get a broom and dustpan. "I shouldn't have thrown that bottle, though. That I am sorry about."

"I shouldn't have put my actions on you." Chen remained seated, not looking as she started to sweep up the shards.

"Damn right you shouldn't." She hunched down, hunting for shards by reflected light. It also hid her eyes, which was probably the intent. "Did you know about the Re-Gene thing too? Was that in your precious documents?"

"Not as such," Chen admitted. "There were hints of the tattoos on the footage, but I didn't know what I was looking at. At least not at first. There was a lot of blood, and some of the suit was still on, but..."

"You suspected."

"Eventually. It was a possibility. Nothing more."

"You could have saved me from making a damn fool of myself." She dropped the shards in an empty takeout container, then turned back to look at him, temper back under control. "I had no idea."

"I wouldn't ruin their memory for you."

"Instead you ruined my relationship." Ortega grimaced, a twitch quickly brought back under control. "Put my damn foot in my mouth because I reacted badly. Again."

"I'm sorry about that." He was. Honestly. Even if her temper was the real issue here.

"What?" She gestured to the broken bottle as if she could read his mind, which at this point she might as well. Knew each other too well. "Not going to lecture me on thinking before speaking?"

"You've been under a lot of stress lately," he tried, voice even. "No harm done."

"Christ, Wei..." that seemed to hit the wrong spot in ways Chen didn't understand. So much for knowing each other well. "Don't justify me. I don't need to hear that." She looked disgusted, but this time it wasn't him that was the target of her ire. "That was on me. I shouldn't have. I should be better than that."

"Sidestep is still missing. I understand." And yet Ortega wasn't out there scouring the city for them. Which meant that Ortega knew something.

"They're probably safe with their criminal friends." Oh there was the twitch again. "Not like they want to talk to me again. Not after this."

"We are still talking," Chen pointed out.

"Against my better judgment." Ortega scratched her emitters, there had not even been a spark as her temper had flared. They were still on their lowest setting, the generator needing to be bled off every few hours or so. "I've known you half my life. You get special treatment."

"Even when I'm a dick?"

"Even when you're a dick." She sat down then, finally. "I just want to go back in time and undo like five different things. Fix everything. I miss them." The last was admitted with a small smile. "The way things used to be."

"Me too." Chen tried to smile but it felt awkward.

"If the pictures had been of Anathema... would that have made a difference?" The question wasn't phrased like an attack, more like a person wanting to know how deep the next cut would be. To get the infection out.

"No." Chen didn't like that the answer came that fast, but he had spent too much time thinking about it. "If I obtained pictures of Anathema undergoing an autopsy I would have assumed they must have suffered a catastrophic boost breakdown for that to happen. They'd be dead. No way the could still be alive. And it would still be a trap."

"You really thought Sidestep was dead?" Her question was quiet, as if she was unsure whether she wanted a positive answer or not.

"I did." Again, no hesitation. Chen did not like to consider the fact that at this point he wasn't sure. He had kept telling himself that version of events since Sidestep returned and proved him wrong. Had it just been more convenient to think that they were dead? Had he kept quiet to keep Ortega safe, or just because it had been more convenient? A person he hadn't trusted, gone? Sidestep's accusations had hit him hard. Hard enough that there might be some truth to them even if he didn't want to admit that. "I had to. I learned that in the army. Lingering on the what-if's will kill you. Especially if you never get to see a body."

"Is that it?" Ortega frowned. "Just because you wanted to go rogue behind enemy lines to find your boyfriend you think I'd automatically throw caution to the wind and do the same? Is your own personal guilt the issue here?"

"Julia." Chen shook his head, the accusations hurt but they were old and he had told them to himself for years. "Since the first day I met you, you have done nothing but throw caution to the wind. That's one of the reasons I love you. But in this case it would have gotten you killed, and I couldn't have that on my conscience too. Better to be your bad guy."

"Augh," she groaned, running both hands through her hair. "I hate it when you're reasonable. I'm still pissed at you, you know."

"I know."

"And I'm probably going to be for a long while."

"That's fair. Do you want help finding them?"

"No." The answer came quickly, but Ortega continued in a lower tone of voice. "It's safer if I look like I know nothing. Like the break is final. It might as well be..." she muttered the last.

"Do you think we're being watched?" Chen frowned, he had no such indications, but Julia had been right about things like that before.

"I have no idea," she confessed. "But assuming the worst, we might be. So I am angry and ignorant." A pointed look at him. "See, I can play it safe."

"We've all changed since back then," he admitted reluctantly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why did you sound so sure you were safe from the military?" There had been something in her tone he had picked up on that still lingered.

"Oh that was just some bullshit." Her laugh was honest enough to be a lie.

"You know what happened to Cavalier." Everyone did. The cautionary tale of their age, the valiant military hero turned villain at the end.

"He attacked the Pentagon. Not like they could ignore that." Ortega looked thoughtfully at the ceiling. "It makes you wonder though..."

"No."

"What?"

"No. It does not make me wonder. He was a man that got hurt and had the power to do something about it. It was no different from someone bringing a gun to a staff meeting. Just on a grander scale." No need for a grand conspiracy when ordinary pain would do.

"Speaking from experience?" There was something careful about her voice right then, enough that Chen took it seriously and not as another jab.

"No. I've never been tempted." He hadn't. Taking his anger out on other people like this never sat well with him. "But I've heard of incidents. Most don't succeed. But people break in war. They need someone to blame. Someone in power."

"Some would say it's the people in power that should be blamed." Sharp words. Chen suspected that by some, she meant Sidestep.

"Including us?" he asked, because that was the crux wasn't it? They were complicit in this system, integral to it. "Including you?"

"Maybe," she admitted. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to start subscribing to the notion that everything needs to burn so we can start over, but... Maybe some things should. Maybe we are to blame."

"You could always—"

"Could I?" She interrupted him before he could finish. "You know I can't. They own me. Like they own you. With the difference that my mods can't be downgraded to off the shelf stuff. There is no way I can ever afford to retire. They got me by the short hairs." She grimaced, rubbing her neck. "Never know when they're gonna need their pet emergency measure."

"I'm sorry." Chen hadn't forgotten. It had been one of the reasons why he'd argued for Ortega to be reinstated as a Ranger. The alternative would have been worse back then, and now? After the latest round of surgery? Some things you could not walk back.

"It's fine. I'll deal." She made a dismissive gesture. "You're not going to win me over with sympathy. I'm still pissed at you for what you did. Just mature enough not to storm out over it."

"It's your apartment," he pointed out.

"That has never stopped me before." She shook her head. "You know what messes me up the most?" She continued without giving him the time to reply. "The fact that I feel I can't trust you anymore. Oh sure, you'll have my back. But when will you decide you know what's best for me next time? When will you fuck over someone else to save me?"

"It feels like you have a scenario in mind." Chen didn't meet her gaze. He could guess. Most likely connected to Sidestep. Better to focus on that than the fact that the assessment hurt. Especially since he couldn't automatically deny it.

"Do I need to?" Ortega's eyes narrowed, trying to read his face. "Am I wrong?"

"I..." Chen hesitated. He didn't know. Couldn't be sure. And perhaps that was all that she needed.

"I thought so." She rose once more. "Thanks for not lying straight to my face about that anyway. Now get the hell out of here."

"Of course." Chen eased himself to his feet, trying to read her. She was angry, yes. Furious in the cold, calculated way. But was it really aimed at him? It felt... different, like that storm had broken with the bottle. Or maybe it was just his own need to have this blow over as fast as possible. "You will be back to work soon?"

"When they clear me for active duty." Her lips twitched in a cynical smile. "I suspect you know more about my status than I do. Perks of the Marshal and all that."

"Are we going to have a problem?" He paused, halfway to the door.

"I'll do my duty," she said with a sigh. "Just don't expect to be forgiven quite yet. Don't worry, I'll play nice at work. Nobody will notice a thing. This is between you and me."

"Understood." Chen could respect her wish to keep this private, considering how much was tied to Sidestep and their shared past. He doubted it would work, though. Daniel would notice, though he might not work up the nerve to ask. Would Argent? Care or ask? He wasn't sure. "Take care. Please."

"Stay out of my business," she retorted. "Please."

Neither of them said goodbye as he left. That would have felt too final.