Yes Chelsea, Part 6 (Patreon)

*Chelsea Richter, age 17

“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!”

Today has been a glorious day. For it’s glory was so glorious the archangel of glory was sent to sing of it.~

So. Today, I went to ask my mom about some frequent headaches I’d been having, but when I got downstairs, my mom was hanging out with her old high school bff Michelle., whom my mom has a hilarious but irrelevant story about where she got up in front of their Drama club, stood up on a desk, and demanded that everyone stop disrespecting her “coven,” for she is a reincarnated GODDESS of destruction. Again, not super relevant, but it gives you an idea of what “Michi-chan” (as she likes to be called) is like as a person.

Anyways, my mom is like “aww baby, what’s wrong?” And then Michelle was like “Have you been eating right? Your clothes are hanging off you, you’re probably not getting enough nutrition.”

So my mom is like “omg, chill out, bitch,” and Michelle just kinda throws her hands up like “whatever.”

But then, she goes to kinda give me a back massage, but can’t get through my shirt, which really actually kinda hard to get through with just her fingers, so she asks me to take off my shirt. So I’m like, whatever, mom walks around in just a bra all the time. So I take off my shirt and both of them just GASP and Michelle was like “Holy shit, your tits are huge!” And I was like “OMFG WHAT?! REALLY?!” And my mom was like “Yes, Chelsea! These straps are about to snap off, no WONDER you were having headaches! When was the last time you bought new bras?” And I was like “Uhhhh…..probably like…Freshman year?”

Basically, I turned 13 or fourteen and my boobs grew to an A cup. But then that was it. I just STOPPED GROWING and it was stupid because all the girls in my family have like these GIANT TITS except for me. So I never really needed to buy bras, and I guess I just kinda stopped paying attention until it started hurting.

My mom was all like “What the fuck kinda dumbass shit is this? How did you just…NOT REALIZE that your bra was digging into your shoulders and choking the life out of you?!”

Honestly, I didn’t really have an answer, but when she unbuttoned my bra, I could actually FEEL my chest surge forward a bit before my mom started massaging out the knots in my shoulder. Then Michelle pipes up and goes “Hey. Have you gained weight? That’s probably why your clothes are getting so tight, ya goober. Welcome to being a grown up, haha! I *thought* you looked a little fuller in the middle when I came in!”

What’s funny though is I’m not. I can still see my ribs, and if anything, practicing for the school musical has toned me up while my mom was the one who was starting to look a little chunkier.

But then my mom comes around and checks me our and gets this face like “………Wait” and then her eyes just go super wide and she’s like “Chelsea. Are you pregnant?”

I told her no and even kinda laughed at her, but her friend of course had to insist that they get some tests and check, but I know she only said that because she wanted the drama of being the first person to discover my scandalous secret. Still, my mom listened and made me take two tests from the Rite Aid down the street. Both negative. But she felt so bad that she decided to make it up to me by taking me downtown to not only shop for bras, but completely update my out of date wardrobe as both an apology AND to make sure my clothes fit.

Needless to say, I think this has gone rather swimmingly.


*Olivia Richter, age 33


“I’m just glad you’re not pregnant.”

That’s what I said, but in reality it was much deeper than that.

Today, there was a false pregnancy alarm with Chelsea and it turned out to be nothing, but freaked me out in the moment. I had my high school bestie over to hang out and talk about a show we both watch together. For a while it was cool. We were having fun, all the new episodes had come out earlier than we thought, it was great. Then my 17 year old daughter Chelsea comes down and ask me to help her with a headache, which led  to my friend first implying that she has an eating disorder, and then when she saw that Chelsea had put on a little weight lately and immediately accused her of being pregnant. Turns out she wasn’t and now I look like an asshole, which is really bad timing for me.

I took Chelsea to the fashion district and told her I was sorry and would make it up to her by revamping her wardrobe since she’s not only outgrowing her bras, but half of her jeans don’t fit either. She only wears skirts and these super loose flowy tops most of the time so she completely failed to notice that almost none her actual pants won’t go up past her ass.

I suppose it’s not a good sign that my daughter can be so easily bought off after being insulted like that, but it does what it needs to do and kind of pads for the thing I REALLY don’t want to deal with: telling Chelsea that I want to date again.

It’s actually even worse than just wanting to date. I’ve been talking to a guy from another department at work and we’ve really been hitting it off. He’s sweet, he’s cool, and he doesn’t NOT have a decent amount of money himself. He knows about Chelsea and is fine with me waiting to talk with her before we make it facebook official, but she has no idea he even exists.

Chelsea was overjoyed to be walking around, splurging on admittedly cute outfits and trying out collars and sexy boots and stuff. But the whole time we were out, all I could think of was how big she looked. My baby was all grown up. She looked so pretty and so happy, and I felt so bad because I was so worried I was going to make her feel hurt or ignored or disregarded or something if I told her that I missed being in a relationship. I hadn’t been in one since her dad fucked off, and now I was ready to move on before it was too late for me to get married and have another baby if I wanted.

Her possible reaction to that last one super scared me. I had no idea how my almost-adult daughter was going to respond to being told that I wanted to maybe have another kid right before she turned 18, especially since I tried to butter her all up first before  I told her that I already had a guy waiting in the wings.

Even so. She looked happy to be out and about with me, and I realized that this wasn’t going to last forever. I wanted to enjoy it while I could.

A few more hours wouldn't kill her.