BIG DADDY DISPATCH: SEPTEMBER (Patreon)

Dispatch Seventy Nine September 1st, 2023

Greetings WHM Family!

Let us be the first to welcome you to the unprecedented, unpredictable, and unstoppable fourteenth season of We Hate Movies! We are so excited to be back in the studio recording shows for you folks. Don’t get us wrong, we like time off as much as the next group of fat guys, however, as it was to quote Wayne’s World, all this recording, at first it’s constrictive…but after a while it becomes a part of you. That’s just how it is. We feel at our best when we’re slinging stupid jokes, and you fine Patreon folks allow us to do that. We’re so lucky to be able to have a fourteenth season, and it is with no false humility to say that we owe it all to you. You, reading this dispatch!

We’ve got some surprises lined up for this season as well as some amazing titles, which start this Tuesday with a re-do of a fan favorite episode, Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace! We just laid down that pod last night and we can’t wait to share it with you as well as this year’s Cameo hype video from a very special celebrity. Oh, and because we’re obligated by law…. “All Hail Eric Szyszka, king of the VHS Trailer Game. Hail. Hail. Hail. Hoorah. Yay, Eric.”

There, that’s enough of THAT. Now on with the season!

Banner Credit: We Hate Movies The Big Daddy Dispatch by Felipe Sobreiro

Image Credit: A still from “Universal Forrest” by Felipe Sobreiro…also available as a Tee Shirt on TeePublic

NEW PATREON OFFERINGS

Oh, my god….Even more for your Patreon buck? You bet your ass there is! The best podcasting deal in town just got even better with TWO new offerings to existing pricing tiers. If you’re paying for The Walsh Tier ($10) or The Belushi Tier ($8) already, you get these benefits for FREE! If you’re on a lower level, well, this might be the time to up your game as it were.

For starters, you’ve asked, we’ve listened! Eric Szyszka (all hail VHS Trailer Game Master. Hail. Hail.) took on the herculean task of creating a BRAND-NEW RSS feed for the Archived Episodes! That’s right, that Google Drive link is no more! For $5 (and up) you have access to an RSS Feed that gets you the first 109 episodes of We Hate Movies, as well as a bunch of other cool stuff, some early Animation Damnations, some interviews with luminaries like Stephen Tobolowsky et al…. It’s a LOT of content! And it’s now easier than ever to enjoy on its own RSS Feed.

Also, if you are in that very un-silent majority of folks who don’t like Ad breaks in their podcasts, well, you’re in luck. We’ve just announced a brand-new feature on the $8 and up tiers: every new Main Feed We Hate Movies episode will be released simultaneously on our Patreon feed AD-FREE. That’s new episodes going forward, gang, starting with The Phantom Menace on Tuesday! AND You still get all the other great content you’ve come to love. It’s a great time to be a WHM Patron! Check out those levels and choose the one that’s best for you!

LIVE SHOW ALERT

TRI-STATE AREA, are you ready for a kick-ass holiday show from your favorite podcast? Well, they’re not available. But we are! This December, We Hate Movies is doing a live episode on Tim Allen’s 1994 grunting Santa picture, The Santa Clause at White Eagle Hall right up the street from Steve’s apartment in Jersey City*! This is going to be a great time at an awesome venue talking about a shitty movie, which will get everybody in the holiday spirit. Our last New Jersey show sold out, so you definitely do not want to get left out in the cold for the live show on December 7th! Get your tickets now!

*Steve’s address is not available even to the highest level of Patreon subscribers.

LAST MONTH ON WHM

Episode 688 – Twins: Live in Los Angeles

Live from the weird baby-manufacturing island where they were all conceived, the boys take on a deeply unlikely hit in which Arnold “Specimen” Schwarzenegger and Danny “Dud” DeVito play long-lost brothers who set out on the road to find their mother. Whose idea was it to make DeVito’s character into a legitimate fuck-beast? Is it legal for Arnold’s character to be left alone to his own devices? Is Kelly Preston’s entire character pinned to an uncanny desire for Arnold’s virginal dick? Only dark, ancient magic could allow a movie like this to be released, let alone make money.

Episode 689 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)  (PATRONS ONLY)

For this month’s We Love Movies, in celebration of the legitimately good new movie, the fellas head back to their childhood to wrangle with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from 1990, in which the turtles meet April O’Neil and Casey Jones and face-off against Shredder and his thriving VCR bandit Foot Clan! How much did Steve cry during the “Get Raph Some Food!” scene? Does it make sense to just turn your villain’s den into a skatepark with arcade games and no “No Smoking” signs? Doesn’t all this practical work look one thousand times better than the photo-realistic CGI goop of the Michael Bay Turtles? Ten points added for being aware of how hot and cool Elias Koteas is at once.

Episode 690 – Fatal Attraction: Live in Salt Lake City 

Straight from Mormon City Sector #45-G , Eric, Andrew, Chris, and Steve talk about one of the most popular depictions of marital infidelity ever, in which Michael Douglas puts his family, his bunny’s life and his own in danger to have really uncomfortable sex and mediocre Italian food with Glenn Close a few times. Is sink sex supposed to be hot or what? Did they have to lay it on so thick that Glenn Close is supposed to be a super villain in this? Has any on-screen wife suffered more than Ann Archer? All of this, and then she has to go and marry Jack Ryan, the man with a permanent bullseye on his forehead and back.

Episode 691– The Birdcage: Live in New Brunswick

Recorded during New Jersey Pride, the gang decided to take it easy and talk about a movie they really like, Mike Nichols’ unlikely remake of French hit La Cage Aux Folles, starring Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as a legendary Miami gay couple who have to play it straight for their conservative future in-laws. What was it like to witness Mike Nichols’ rousing victory lap behind the scenes? Has there ever been a worse child than Val and how does he survive to the end of this? Is Gene Hackman the smartest man to ever act professionally in mainstream movies? Let’s hope that we avoid a legacy sequel where they renew their vows in the underwater territories formerly known as Miami.

Episode 692 – WarGames: Live in Denver

Straight from their recent winter tour, the fellas discuss one of the earliest hacker-focused blockbusters, starring Matthew Broderick as a high school student who gets into a pissing contest with a warhead-controlling super-computer while avoiding having any possible sexual encounter he might stumble into. Does Ally Sheedy have to give him a map to her bedroom and a diagram of how to take off her clothes or what? Do people actually do anything but be hungover or run before 7 AM? Will Eric ever get over witnessing his co-hosts eat Rocky Mountain oysters? As of yesterday, the answer is still no.

Episode 693 – Universal Soldier: Live in Phoenix

As we come to the end of the WHM Summer Break, the boys give a report to the people of Phoenix, Arizona on Universal Soldier, one of only two good movies made by one Mr. Roland Emmerich. Are we getting enough shots of JCVD in skimpy clothing here? Was Jeffrey Dahmer starting his own Universal Soldier program? When will Elon Musk give up on his social media and electric car plans and just start making zombie-soldiers? Plus, the epic conclusion of the third-annual VHS Trailer Game!

WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?

This is a space for us to talk about some NON-We Hate Movies related content that we've shoved into our eyeballs in the last month: TV, Movies, Cartoons, and Sports (maybe?). Just about anything that isn't pornography.

Andrew: On our month off, I really did my damnedest to put a dent in the massive pile of blu-rays that I depression-bought during the darker days of the pandemic. It’s a massive pile of media and I honestly don’t know what I was thinking letting it build up so much, but in any event, I’ve been on a mission to whittle away at the pile while also forbidding myself to buy any more new discs until the pile has dwindled. With that in mind, here’s some discs I got through on our break. I’m leaving off stuff I saw in theaters because I’m saving that for our “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” segment on the season premiere of On-Screen Live happening Monday, 9/11 at noon/et. In any event:

Bong Joon-Ho Rewatch: One of the absolute best ways you can reenergize your love for cinema is to make your way through the filmography of the incredibly talented director, Bong Joon-Ho. Anyway, what I’ve gone back through so far were Memories of Murder, The Host, , and Snowpiercer. I stopped there because I realized I wanted to watch Okja on disc and not Netflix, so I broke my own no-buying rule and picked up the Criterion 4K during their recent sale, but it’s yet to come. Anyway, Memories of Murder and The Host are masterpieces through and through. Mother is absolutely wild and weird and great, however the disc was printed before Director Bong put out that B&W edition that I wish had a wider release, but both versions are great. And then of course there’s Snowpiercer, which that sack of fucking shit Harvey Weinstein tried to destroy during the pathetic theatrical run it was given. It’s a film that’s way better than people give credit, or possibly a title they haven’t even seen because of its low profile. In any case, I’d recommend all four of these, because IMO they range from GREAT to STRAIGHT-UP MASTERPIECE and are all worth your time.

Michael Mann’s Heat: I just finished watching this movie… HALF AN HOUR AGO! Not really, but this was a 4K disc that was sitting around for well over a year and the moment I popped it on, I was pissed off because I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I watched this fantastic movie. The disc looks and SOUNDS incredible—those shootouts are really felt if you’ve got a decent sound system setup. Hot damn, magnificent picture.

Francis Ford Coppola’s Apocalypse Now: The Final Cut: Another one I couldn’t tell you the last time I watched, but I guess technically it was my first time with this “Final Cut,” which I actually found way more watchable than “Redux” from 20 years ago. This plays with a bit more pep in its step and doesn’t drag like “Redux” does. This 4k set from Lionsgate has all the cuts on it, and another one where your home sound system gets a workout when played correctly. Not only will you love the smell of napalm in the morning, you will also love the sound of it exploding on this disc’s audio track.

Wes Anderson’s The Darjeeling Limited: This was an Anderson movie I honestly wasn’t that crazy about when I saw it in theaters back in 2007. It’s one of his saddest movies and I guess at the time, I just wasn’t ready for it. Don’t know if it was a bad night at the movies or what, but I remembered being supremely ‘meh’ on the movie. Well, over 15 years have passed and yeah, clearly something has changed because it played so well for me this time. I think Adrien Brody gives the all-star performance of the film and it’s also one of his best performances. The Criterion blu-ray has a nice option where you can play Hotel Chevalier, Anderson’s short film that takes place on a day leading up to the events of Darjeeling that stars Jason Schwartzman and Natalie Portman, right into the feature, which I thought was really cool. It reminded me of actually being in a theater that plays a short before a feature and something about having that option on the disc really felt like a nod to that great feeling one gets during a communal cinematic experience. I won’t wait as long to go back to this one.

Chris:  Here’s the highlights and lowlights of August 2023 for me:

Emma Mae/Penitentiary– We have worked with the home-video label Vinegar Syndrome a few times now and it’s worth looking at their catalog for no other reason than they have a distinct nose for under-appreciated gems and underserved cult classics. Highest among their releases, to me, is their release of the films of Jamaa Fanaka, the late great Los Angeles firebrand who helped lead the L.A. Rebellion Movement. He’s likely best known for his Penitentiary Trilogy, which starts off great with the brash, thrilling first film in 1979 and ends with the opposite of bang eight years later in Penitentiary III. Fanaka has a distinct eye for how men prefer expressing their masculinity strictly through the domination of other men in increasingly violent and soul-destroying ways. That is also the underlying conflict in Welcome Home, Brother Charles, an even wilder proposition involving the attempted castration of a prisoner and the revenge plot that follows. But the best of his is Emma Mae, which Vinegar graciously packages with Brother Charles. Fans of the rapper Danny Brown will likely be familiar with one scene from this, in which a brawl between men is broken up by the visceral power of the titular Southern girl who has been moved out to California. The film’s core is the toxic relationship between Emma (the great Jerri Hayes) and a dope fiend named Jesse (Ernest Williams II), but Fanaka takes the drama in curious and unexpectedly ingratiating places, such as when Jesse is picked up by the cops and Emma becomes his only connection to the world. Devastating but never done in a way to pry tears out of the audience, and in turn, the film feels more honest, moving, and unadorned with blunt, unthinking political or societal messages.

Heart of Stone/They Cloned Tyrone – Netflix still sucks, and I am still watching this shit for the pleasure of being right. The latest attempt to turn Gal Gadot into a successful performer is in the mode of many of Netflix’s other duds that they insist everyone, including your dead grandmother, saw several times and won’t stop talking about: mostly James Bond, but cut with some Mission: Impossible and blended with total algorithm humor, jokes meant to be printed on pillows, blocks of wood, bumper stickers, and nothing else. There is nothing to hold onto in Heart of Stone – it all feels jacked from another source and uninterested in anything other than keeping the movie going so they can report that their users’ watch time for uses is increasing. That’s not exactly the case with They Cloned Tyrone, which stars John Boyega and Jamie Foxx, which attempts to reconfigure the viscerally anti-capitalist rhetoric of Sorry to Bother You into abysmal, unnourishing what-the-fuckery. Everything that is interesting about this movie is due to the cast and the premise, which is just twisty enough to keep you watching for a full hour. There is no depth to the ideas here, just a surface-level, pitch-length concept that’s kinda fucked-up and cool. Will someone please save John Boyega from this shit?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem – Smartly picks up on the pacing and action dynamics of Into the Spider-Verse while never falling into the trap of just straight-up trying to recreate that aesthetic note-for-note. Instead, the directors here hook into the grotesque and moody vibe of MTV Animation and early stop-motion work for Adult Swim, giving the film a distinct look and feel that pairs well with the funny, punkish script. The movie seems to occur in near-permanent night, and the smearing of lights in the hazy nocturn gives the film an aesthetic quality above and beyond what I have come to expect from most IP animations. Despite my love for the first film from 1990, this is certainly the best Turtles movie out there.

Talk to Me– Not good! Not sure why people are going to bat for this thick, odious slab of conservative miserabilia, but it really did not offer me much, I’m afraid. When it’s just a movie about kids being dumb and ghoulishly bothering perfectly innocent ghosts for kicks, I can at least see a vision, but once this turns into a portrait of grief and suicide, you can count me out. As a work of plotting, I get how this path gives you a solid final image/reveal, but the film needs to care less about plot and more about character to make that final sequence come across as tragic rather than just inevitable. Really wish I had seen the movie all these fans seem to be seeing.

Eric: Well, I saw Oppenheimer 4 times. 35mm, 70mm, IMAX 70mm, and lowly digital. I think 70mm regular is the zone, by the way. IMAX was really cool but part of that I think was the fact I hadn't been to the IMAX theater since probably I Am Legend back in 2007 which had that longer The Dark Knight trailer on it. Don't get me wrong, it was cool to see shots that big but I'm a sucker for seeing the entire frame in a frame.

Don't worry I also saw Barbie twice - liked it a lot more the second time too!

Okay and now for a bunch of weird shit I watched:

The Laser Man (1988) - Guy invents a laser that people want to use for evil. Incoherent and feels incomplete. Really bad and boring!

Kidou Keiji Jiban: Great Explosion at the Monster Factory of Fear (1989) - It's a short or part of a TV series of some kind. Only 25 minutes but a fantastic Japanese RoboCop knock off. Funny, and thrilling!

Woman of Desire (1994) - Bo Derek is back and nuder than ever. This movie features one of the most insane sex scenes I have ever seen and it's with Jeff Fahey! Hey cool! Also shockingly features Robert Mitchum which is kinda depressing to witness.

Bitter Harvest (1993) – A Stephen Baldwin starring erotic thriller where he gets into sexy situations and ends up robbing banks. It also features the unrelated ADAM Baldwin and the beloved M. Emmet Walsh. Sadly, the movie stinks.

Minority Report (2002) - Yes, I revisited this Steven Spielberg joint and man, it's not great. I gave it 3 stars on Letterboxd but it felt like a 2 and a half to be honest. It's just dull and I'm starting to think that Sci-Fi run along with A.I. and War of the Worlds might've been old Steve's lowest point.

The Soldier (1982) - This one kinda ruled which makes sense since it's from James Glickenhaus (Side Order of Sleaze listeners might remember him as the auteur behind The Exterminator.) This one is a very vague spy international intrigue picture with great stunts, music by Tangerine Dream, and funny enough: Jeffrey Jones AND Klaus Kinski!

Arcade (1993) – An Albert Pyun joint that's a way too late rip- off of Tron starring Peter Billingsley (A Christmas Story) and even features Seth Green and John de Lancie. Sadly, it's a snooze but with a few cool/ridiculously stupid moments!

Too Much (1987) - Cannon Films entering the family film market with an E.T. / Short Circuit riff called Too Much! And is it ever. A young girl named Stacie becomes insanely attached to a robot prototype while on a visit to Japan. I'd say it's worth watching just to see the robot run from the police.

Steve:August! A time of resetting, relaxing, and well, watching a ton of shit. Here’s some highlights…

To Live and Die in L.A.: Holy shit. This one knocked my socks off. I’ve been searching for a way to watch this movie for years as it’s been out of print and not streaming anywhere I could find. Luckily Kino Lorber just put out an absolutely flawless 4K restoration, which I snatched up in about five minutes. The movie itself is an incredible action thriller, with shocking violence (even all these years later), beautiful cinematography (get the 4K folks, I’m telling you), and patented William Friedkin high stakes moralizing. Willem Dafoe is an easy standout, because one will forget how unsettling his earlier performances were. William Peterson is having a twitchy, agitated, agro blast throughout this whole film, but I was most surprised by Cousin Ira himself, John Pankow killing it here as the straight-laced foil to Peterson who gets pushed to the brink. I don’t want to spoil anything, but just buy the damn 4K.

The Last Voyage of the Demeter: This one was a real surprise for me. It’s not necessarily goodby any stretch, but it is so much better than it could have been or even should have been, it was a treat to watch. My wife and I enjoy the August dumping ground and were expecting something on par with last year’s vampire romp The Invitation (or as we like to call it, The Invitation to Dracula’s Wedding, and You’re the Bride!), but this movie was so much better than that. It has real memorable kills, some great visuals due to an actually well-built set, and some strong performances. It’s about 15 minutes too long (isn’t everything?) but if you’re looking for some silliness to enjoy on streaming in a few weeks, check this one out.

Talk to Me: Lastly, I’d like to counter my auspicious colleague’s attack on what I believe is the best horror movie of the year. I really had fun with Talk to Me. It reminded me a lot of The Ring, a supernatural thriller with very specific rules that get set up and are fun to see play out. It’s twisty, mean at parts, but I do think there’s a lot of joy in watching the performances, specifically Sophie Wilde. I take Chris’ points but I don’t believe this is miserabilist fare, which is something that can certainly turn me off of a horror movie, I think it’s just got a bit of a nasty edge to it, reminiscent of Drag Me To Hell.

See for yourself and let me know if Chris is wrong or if I’m right!

PATREON MAILBAG LIGHTNING ROUND

Here's a fun space where folks on Patreon get to ask us Questions directly. This month's entry comes from

Elliot, from Oakland, CA who asks: “Who’s your favorite supporting character from The Simpsons?”

Andrew:  Wow, this question is about as tough as they come. Fave supporting character from The Simpsons, huh? I’ll have to settle on: Chief Wiggum. It’s probably my favorite vocal performance from Hank Azaria, and there are so many Wiggum lines that I find myself quoting out loud either in-context or at random, such as: “I’m directly under the Earth’s sun…now!”, “Bake ‘em away, Toys!”, “Baby looked at you?”, “Suspect is hatless, repeat, hatless!”, “This is gonna get worse before it gets better,” “It’s a ghost car!”, and of course, “Now where did I put my badge? Hey! That duck’s got it!.” I also love him singing “Jammin’” at the end of that episode where Bart’s expensive dog is given to a blind guy.

So yeah, Wiggum has given me so much quotable joy over the years, for the sake of answering this question in time to make our publishing deadline, it’s Wiggum.

Chris: The correct answer is Moammar “Moe” Szyslak. There really isn’t any competition for me on this one. Not only has he been an overwhelming showcase for the talents of one Hank Azaria, he has also been a resilient and sturdy character that you can build stories, twists, and major, overflowing jokes off of. He’s given such emotional breadth and yet there’s something elemental about his lack of morals, never-ending humiliations, and near-atomic levels of desperation. Just think of the series of jokes that he becomes the vessel for when he turns Moe’s Tavern into the family restaurant – uproarious from beginning to end without losing the boldness of something like the extended pause he gives while the kid eats the hot greasy fries that are stills strapped to his head. I love you, Moe. Moe Forever! Moe for President!

Eric: I've always gotten the biggest laughs from C. Montgomery Burns! I'm such a sucker for any old timey jokes. Mr. Burns, Abe Simpson, and Krusty always have me rolling. However, I do think Mr. Burns wins out for me. It's also a great foil for pretty much the whole town to have some super-rich ancient guy holding shit over them all.

Steve: All of the above are great answers. I think I’d have to go with Milhouse Van Houten. There’s something that always makes me laugh about that poor little bastard. “A Milhouse Divided” is one of my favorite episodes of all time, and he’s right at the center of it. Also, I think I spent most of my high school career saying “Everything’s Coming Up Milhouse!”

SEPTEMBER SCHEDULE

Say what? The schedule in advance?! It's the least we could do! By subscribing to this newsletter you get a sneak peek at what we're putting out in September!

Episode 694 – Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace REDUX

Episode 695 – The Faculty

Episode 696– Expendables 3

Episode 697– Saw V

Patreon Episodes:

We Love Movies – Blade

Animation Damnation: King of the Hill: “Aisle 8A” (s4,e5)

The Nexus: TOS: “That Which Survives” (s3, e17) TNG: “Family”(s4,e3)

Gleep Glossary: The Pod Race Pilots

MelR0210: 90210“Too Little, Too Late/Paris 75001” (s3, e3), Melrose Place: “Arousing Suspicions (s2, e18)

PATREON RSS BUG

If you’re having trouble with the RSS feed updating or episodes not appearing in your app, Patreon has acknowledged this bug and they have a fix: "Try unsubscribing and re-subscribing via your app by re-entering the unique RSS feed you were given and is on our Overview section of the Creator page. Or try using a different podcast app or RSS feed reader."

Please consult this page and contact Patreon Support if the problem persists. We apologize for any inconvenience you’ve experienced on Patreon and truly appreciate your continued support!

UPCOMING NEWS AND PROMOTION

Our YouTube Channel continues to kick-ass folks! We just released a new WHM Mailbag that was an all-timer! We also plan to re-start our very On-Screen Live on September 11th at Noon!

We also have all officially sanctioned VHS Trailer Game episodes up to this point. Eric has also put out great clip packages likeDr. Loomis is the Worst Doctor, Dilf Den, George Bailey as Michael Meyers, John Wick-Mentary,  Toby Jones in Bee Movie, Sausage Claus, David! Muppet Hitchcock Presents, and many more! You can also watchthe entirety of our Witchboard episode! Complete with visual gags (most of which are almost funny.). You'll find all sorts of cool shit like Mailbags, VHS Trailer Games, Full Episodes like Uncharted, Jurassic World: Dominion, Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Saw III. Like we said above these are great for sharing and introducing folks to the show. There's so much content there we can't list it all here. Just go and subscribe already!

It's back in stock, baby! You can get a KICK ASS edition of the super fun B-Movie Scanner Cop, which includes our commentary track, which isn't available anywhere else! Get yours here!

Eric and Ben are back in the the blue and they’re dishing on Hooker family secrets and hanging out at the mall, when they review “Street Bait”  Listen here!

Did you know that Andrew has a website? No, it's not an OnlyFans (yet), it's a cool blog for some musings and Jupin-centric goings on. Lookit that fancy graphic from Raphael Sarmento! Check it out at andrewjupin.com

If you're a fan of the show and a fan of looking sharp, you should check out our merch on our TeePublic store! We have some hot off the presses designs by Felipe Sobreiro and some, like the above, might not be around forever (wink wink)!  We also have "The DILF Den", and a "Crispy Critters" design from friend of the show, Nathan Hamill!  There’s a ton of other great designs like The VHS Trailer Game Logo, Demon-o's Pizza, Egg Lawyer, The Order of the Boop, The Kornkast design and many more, with more to come!

That's going to do it for this month's Dispatch! See you next month for The Spooktacular and Episode 700!!!!


Take it easy,
Andrew, Chris, Eric, and Steve
We Hate Movies