The Gamer Chapter 1346 – Big Pig Issues (Patreon)

Scattered meteorites rained down on the field, drowning it further in destruction. What had been ploughed dirt minutes ago now was craters and fire. Whistling, then a booming explosion, and a large fireball scorched another mark into the training barrier.

Salamander made good on her title. Each attack, Unleashed or not, further expanded on the apocalyptic scene that John was witnessing. It was rare for Salamander to get the opportunity to let loose so completely. In actual battles, John had an interest in keeping the infrastructure intact and the death toll low. Salamander’s battle plan of ‘FIRE EVERYTHING!’ was not conducive to those goals. Even during Assaults and other Instant Dungeons, indiscriminate meteor showers led to issues.

There was no reason nor justification to complain about this. They had agreed on Salamander being the AoE specialist in his party. That reality was more consequential about area damage than video games was just a sad side effect of playing in a world that had a universal physics engine and fully destructible environment. Dungeon crawling in Diablo would be a lot less fun if the various attacks of the characters had the ability to cause cave collapses.

As for why Salamander was letting loose, this was the training Nightingale had requested. The harpy was dodging and weaving through the attacks, utilizing chains and sensory deprivation to escape the constant assault. Here and there, Salamander attempted a melee assault, to no avail. Against an enemy like Nightingale, shooting into the dark was more effective.

‘Well, it’s only a matter of time before Salamander runs out of juice,’ the Gamer thought. ‘Not exactly the kind of bonding time I imagined for those two to have, but this works.’ The balance of his harem depended in no small part on the complicated interconnection of relationships. They were only a collective of individuals.

‘Master, Hailey requests your presence,’ Aclysia contacted him.

“You got things here?” John asked Undine. No training with Friendly Fire enabled would have happened without the healer around. A silent nod was all the response he needed. ‘Tell her I’ll be right over.’

It was almost literal. The Gamer had just walked across the street from his property to put up this Illusion Barrier. One moment he smelled ash and scorched earth, the next it was the constant forest breeze. Out of pure habit, he checked left and right. The only car around was Hailey’s patchwork semi-truck, parked by the side of the road.

“HOWDY!” the country gal shouted, causing an immediate rush of serotonin in John’s brain. That voice just hit the spot. Grinning like a fool, he approached rapidly. “Was wonderin’ where you left to, John. Not like you to keep li’l ol’ me waitin’.”

‘God, I hope she can swallow more than syllables,’ the base thought rushed through John’s head. “Well, I am a busy man, even on vacation.”

“Admirable that you keep all these purddy girls so happy. ‘Clysia here been singin’ your praises at all chances.”

“You get a pass,” Aclysia stated.

Hailey raised an eyebrow and turned her head. “Pass for what? If I misspoke, I did not mean to offend.”

“Aclysia is my Master-given name, I dislike it being shortened,” the maid responded. “By the particularities of your pronunciations, I will, however, give you a special exemption.”

“Mighty kind, but I ain’t gonna respond to your hospitality with a foot in my mouth. A-clysia it is.” The ‘A’ ended up tacked on to the front with more harshness than was common. Still, the weaponized maid gave their guest a pleased smile. “Anyhoo, John, I need a favour of the, as ya people say, mundane variety. Call it a quest from this grease monkey, if you want.”

“I think you should stop with the grease monkey moniker. You are putting too high standards on monkeys everywhere,” John responded instinctively. He expected an admonishment for getting back into the flirting territory, but the blonde just gave him a wink. A hip-swing shift of her weight from one leg to the other pulled John’s eyes down to her thighs. She was wearing jeans today. Tight jeans. Without a single spot on them. “New clothes?” John asked, as casually as possible.

“Thought I might as well get somethin’ in my wardrobe that ain’t work related,” Hailey responded and tipped her hat. Both that and the shirt were the same old, although John noted that she had knotted the lower rim of her shirt in that specific way that pronounced a thin waist.

Two subtle ways that made her look sexier than before or, rather, put what she clearly had on better display. Hailey had been putting too much thought into how she presented herself so far for that to be a coincidence. ‘Tacit approval to up the flirting?’ John wondered and put his eyes back on her face. He did not want to ogle her too much. Not at this stage of their relationship. ‘No comment on being a starer this time…’ “It does look good on you.”

“Statin’ the obvious, ain’t ya?” Hailey responded with a wink. “Anyhoo, I wanted to ask you to give a gal a li’l help. Whole pack of hogs been terrorizin’ my birds.”

“They eat livestock?” John raised an eyebrow. Pigs could easily crush and devour a chicken, but they were not built for chasing.

“They want the eggs, not the birds,” Hailey corrected him.

“Ah, that makes more sense.” John nodded, easily capable of imagining a 300 kilo pig just waltzing into the henhouse, eating all the eggs, ignoring any pecking, and then sodding off again. “Surprised you haven’t shot it already.”

“Did so last year. Fatsos are smarter than you’d think.” Irritation snuck into Hailey’s drawl. “Swear, it gets repetitive to deal with those things but they be breedin’ quicker than people. At least the sows are good eatin’.” She shook her head and unfolded her arms. “I take it ya helpin’?”

“Sure. Mind if I bring someone along?” The question was met with contemplative silence. “Just one,” he assured. If this marked the easing of their agreement, then him going over to Hailey’s property would also mean that he was going to meet her father. Just casually, this time around. There was nothing much to tell about their relationship at this moment. Bringing his harem along would cause a certain kind of first impression that Hailey might want to avoid. Easier to introduce the polyamorous boyfriend as such after he was already known as an upstanding guy.

“Just one,” Hailey agreed, finally.

John turned to the campsite and looked around. Eventually, he spotted Eliana. The blood mage was lying on her back in the grass. Hours of work on the wall had wrecked her small frame. She was working less on it than he was, but with her body nerfed down like this it was admirable how much she did. Most of the time they dedicated her to the less taxing tasks, like mixing the mortar.

“Eliana! Want to go shoot some stuff?”

“FUCK YEAH!” the blood mage shouted back and got up immediately. She only spotted Hailey at that moment. “Hey-ley, you getting taken out on a shooting date or what the fuck is going on?” she asked, once she had stepped up to them.

“Actually, I need some help with my stuff,” the enigma engineer clued the blood mage in.

“Is stuff him unloading the magazine of his giant fucking balls in you? Because I got dibs on that.” Eliana came barrelling in with the grace of a zeppelin crash.

John actually wheezed from the awkwardness. “Eliana, behave,” he told her. Hailey clicked her tongue in agreement.

“Ain’t nothin’ wrong with directness, but you’re steppin’ over the line. John and I are acquaintances right now. Ain’t appropriate to discuss such things.” Hailey was a bit red in the face, whether from anger, shame, or excitement was up for debate. “Situation is that I got hogs that need dyin’ over at my property.”

Eliana likely connected the same dots John had and then nodded. “Alright, I get it… guess I’ll have to keep my fucking tongue clean for a bit.”

“Ya best,” Hailey drawled.

“Should we change clothes?” John asked, looking at himself and Eliana. He was covered with mortar stains and dirt and Eliana only looked a bit better.

“I think Paw-paw will trust you more if you look like workin’ folk.”

“We are working folk – at least at the moment,” John insisted.

“I’m fully embracing the rural fucking lifestyle. I work twelve hours, eat like five eggs for fucking breakfast, and I’ll have eight kids before I turn 100.”

“100? Some of my ol’ school friends have 3 by thirty, the hell you doin’ that you’ll need eighty more years?” Hailey wondered.

Eliana just started laughing. Loud and manic, borderline insane. Absolutely carefree laughter, rising to such volume that the country gal appeared slightly unnerved. The two of them had interacted a fair bit over the past week. A fair bit was not enough to cover all that Eliana was – especially with the rest of the harem also claiming Hailey’s attention.

“She’s 94,” the Gamer revealed.

“…That’s creepy.”

“I’m pretty sure I told you about Abyssal power slowing the aging progress.”

“I meant the part where you two are together. Women seventy years your senior seducing younger men ain’t what we call normal out here,” Hailey clarified. The moment she said that, Eliana’s laughter abruptly ended with a clack of her teeth.

“For a fucking start, I spent about seventy years in a tank, so my age is a literal fucking number,” the pretty little psycho set the record straight. “Second, if you think I’m bad, the cock-addicted dragon back there is older than civilization. Third, this fucker seduced me, if anything, by being a nice asshole.”

“Eh, it was a mutual seduction,” John commented and kissed his Eliana on the top of her head. “Age differences mean a whole lot less when the aging stops in your mid-twenties. Granted, the experience gap is still there. That also matters less when everyone is an adult about what happens though.”

“…You’re the expert,” Hailey surrendered the point. “I’ll need ya two to bring your own guns, by the way. Somethin’ with the proper stoppin’ powah.”

“That’s the fun stuff!” Eliana declared.

______________________________________________________________________________

They drove in Hailey’s car. The first thing John noticed as they rolled down the road was the silence. “Did you fix the engine?” he asked.

“Funny what ya can do when you don’t have to clean the rust off pieces you bought on craigslist,” Hailey responded with a cheery undertone. “Now she’s purring like a good girl.”

“…You know, you make it really fucking hard to not make innuendos,” Eliana commented from the second seat. “It’s all purring, oil, boys and girls with you.”

“Jesus would not approve of your dirty mind.”

“Jesus can choke on the fattest, veiniest cock he can find, the sanctimonious non-existent asshat.”

Hailey gave Eliana an annoyed glance. “I can accept your lifestyle since you seem to have the love in your heart to keep it, but if you could not drag the Lord’s name through the mud, that’d be a minimum.”

“The cunt never did anything for me,” the blood mage growled.

John stepped in before this could escalate further. “Eliana…” he whispered pleadingly and put a hand on her thigh. The pretty little psycho gave him a glance between stubbornness and apology. Then she turned her head and stared out of the window.

“My father was an abusive religious cunt. So I have issues. There,” the Eliana gave the short of it. A mark of great progress that she could summarize it so succinctly.

“Oh…” Hailey kept her head forwards. Silence descended on the car.

Mild regret over his choice of companion rose in John’s mind. ‘Better to iron out these kinks early,’ he told himself. “How religious are you anyway, if you don’t mind me asking?” the Gamer continued the topic, even if it was a difficult one. “Range of 1 to 10 where 1 is lip service and 10 is reading a book of the Bible every day before each meal.”

“About a solid 4, I’d say?” Hailey shrugged. “It’s a good book, maybe better than the constitution. Has some real weird parts tho’. Not big on the whole church organization either.” She glanced over to Eliana. “I do believe we should live in accordance to the Lord’s plan for us.”

“Fantastic fucking plan, containing genocides and all that shit,” Eliana hissed passive aggressively.

“I ain’t a theologian. Either his plan’s too complicated for me or his plan is to let us sort ourselves out. I’d prefer the latter. Being a red-blooded American, I want my freedom.” She chuckled a little bit at herself. “I just know that things around these parts are fine. I ain’t breaking with a tradition that’s workin’. Don’t change parts on a movin’ car either.”

“…I can sort of respect that,” Eliana admitted begrudgingly and turned away from the window. “Just don’t preach in my general fucking direction.”

“I ain’t no preacher, I’m just a believer. Besides, I’ve my own problems with preachers. Each time I visited the church in the last few months, priest tried to set me up with his son. Hellah creepy.” Hailey switched the topic quickly, perhaps in response to John’s expression darkening. “What do ya do for fun anyway, Eli?”

“Do not call me Eli.” The goddess’ voice was a deep, wolfish growl. With the sounds of her voice, a terrifying feeling filled the car. Every aspect of John’s humanity revolted against sitting where he did, so close to his bane.


John immediately reached for the steering wheel. Stress broke the self-imposed limiter. Hard, he clenched down on the thin layer of rubber covering the steel. His grip prevented Hailey from ripping the wheel to the left and ramming them against the next tree.

Raw panic was written in the woman’s eyes. Any bit of colour had drained from her face. The car accelerated; the gas pedal floored. Reason was completely buried underneath the sheer terror of proximity to the goddess of genocide. “Thana!” John shouted loudly in the car and stared at the hatefully glaring entity in the other seat.

“Let no one forget that I am both,” the failed goddess growled and the aura receded. “Oh fuck, I’m so-“

Hailey's foot slammed off one pedestal onto the other one. The car came to a quick, screeching halt. She reached for the door. It swung open. Hailey tried to jump out, only to get stopped by her seatbelt. Winding in desperation, she slipped out of it, discarding her shirt in the process. John had no eyes for anything that was revealed, he was too busy setting after her.

His hurry was without need. Hailey stumbled two steps before collapsing hard onto all fours and emptying the contents of her stomach onto the street. It was entirely undignified and entirely justified. Not even the strongest nerves could protect a human less than two weeks into the Abyss from the dread Thana’s presence caused.

John looked back into the car, where Eliana sat in her seat, legs pulled against her chest. Her expression shifted back and forth between self-loathing and anger. She only stopped for one moment to silently form the word, ‘Go,’ in his direction.

When he knelt down next to her, Hailey was breathing rapidly. Her elbows and knees were bloody from how hard she had hit the street. There was a sudden break in her panting, predictably followed by her stomach evacuating more of its contents. Silently, John put a hand on her back. She flinched at the touch, but did not pull away once she realized it was him. Tears stained her face.

“You’re safe,” he assured her.

The words seemed to register with Hailey’s mind, but her body did not agree. If a panic attack was so easily defeated, humanity would have a laundry list of issues less. Trembling all over, she spat out bitter bile. There was nothing really left to remove from her insides. Instincts tried anyway.

Patiently, John sat by her side.