Pinching Penny Pinchers (Patreon)

six months ago, in the city of Northguard...

"And how is his exalted cheapness this morning?" The cook was debating if she should reuse the tea leaves from yesterday, or use fresh.

"He's in a fine mood, can't you tell? He refused to have a fire lit in his throne room for the daily audiences, and put on that horrid sheepskin coat of his to keep warm. He mumbled that all the hot air would warm things up and save on the cost of coal." The Baron's manservant had come down to report the daily mood to the household staff. It made things run so much smoother.

The cook nodded. "Right then, yesterday's tea it is and no honey unless he yells for it. I won't have him yelling at me again about wasting money. Can you believe it? I serve him groatmeal like a peasant eats and weak tea and he likes it. Never will figure that man out."

The manservant, Barnabas by name, simply smiled. The cook said much the same thing on the days that his Excellency, Baron Tobias Chintzworthy, Lord of Northguard, and protector of the emperor's northern province of Grultain, was worried about the spending habits of his staff. 'Baron PinchPenny', like many nobles, didn't see the need for his peasants to have a pleasant life. Unlike other nobles, he didn't want to have one either. He was legendary for his niggardly attitudes and love of high taxes. Tax collecting would have gone better if he had more city guard and paid them better. The overworked civil servants could be easily bribed by a merchant to vastly undervalue his goods for a small bribe.

The large, crumbling castle that he had inherited from his father was in need of repairs, but the Miser Baron preferred leaky roofs and gold in his counting room to slightly less gold and a dry castle. This had the added benefit of chasing off the freeloaders who he would normally be forced to entertain. Random cousins and visiting lords from the provinces only made the mistake of staying with him once. Most of the guest rooms were infested with mold, mice, and bedbugs. If they weren't, the staff put out cheese to attract the needed vermin.

The only part of the castle that was in good repair was the large northern tower and courtyard, and the surrounding barracks. The Legion maintained a large garrison in Northguard, responsible for keeping peace in the far north of the empire. They maintained their half of the castle and paid rent to the Baron which offset his taxes. PinchPenny considered it one of the best deals his great-grandfather had made: trade half of your empty castle for negation of all taxes? Splendid idea! It also cut down on his need for spies and couriers. All of his mail came through the official courier system of the empire, and a few small bribes to the Legion's Intelligence Officer gave him everything he needed to know about what was going on in the north. Most of which he didn't care about at all.

There were few things the Miser Baron cared about enough to spend money on: His butterfly collection, and rare tonics and potions only recently discovered by rogue alchemists that were going to change the alchemical industry on its head. The butterfly collection had been started by his great-great-great grandfather. The 'rare tonics' were brought to him each month by two trusted merchants who searched the Empire for new and exciting products to bring to him. He truly didn't want to hold audiences today, it would simply be the same old thing: peasants with not enough food, crafters with not enough workers, merchants demanding payment on bills, some dating back two generations.

At least Barnabas kept them orderly and brought them in one by one. "Alright, who's on first Barney?

"Absolutely correct sir. I commend you on your knowledge of sportsball. But I'm afraid it's time to bring in your first supplicants. They claim to be from someplace called Alchemarx Acquisitions Inc. Shall I send them in?"

An impressive name. Pinchpenny was interested in seeing what they had for sale. Barnabas opened the door, and three women dressed in grey skirts and jackets came in. It was strange to see women dressed this way, but Pinchpenny never kept up with fashions in the capitol, so they always surprised him.

They bowed and then one of them stepped forward. "Thank you for seeing us, your excellency. I represent Alchemarx Acquisitions. We have a business proposal for you that we believe you will be interested in."

The Miser Baron sat back in his chair. None of them was bringing out tonics or potions to show him. A bad sign. "I'll be the judge of that, but let's make it quick. I have several silver-winged monarchs that need to be preserved and mounted on a wall."

The women nodded. One brought out several sheets of paper stapled together. A second had a map of his Barony. The third had a drawing she withheld from view. "This is a proposal for a business deal between your barony and the corporation we work for. We'd like to cut your expenses, get rid of your problems, and make you some money. We can also help you crush the people trying to do you harm and steal their money."

Pinchpenny hadn't heard such a good sales pitch since last month, but her heard a lot of them. "Details miss, details. Otherwise, I'll bounce the three of you out the door. You have 5 minutes." Barnabas produced and hour glass and the timer started."

The woman speaking wasn't worried, that was more than double what she normally had to work with in meetings. "Briefly then, you have problems. The merchants are forming a union and plan to sue you for back debt in the capital. Your peasants are starving and refuse to work. And the new Baron of Gadobhra has gone behind your back to build a massive fortress that will make this legion outpost obsolete and the Legion will move out, along with their gold. You'll be broke, destitute, and won't have to sell your collection of bugs."

Only minute had gone by, but the woman paused. The Miser Baron was beside himself with rage. "Force me to pay bills? Who do they think they are?! And Gadobhra? That's a myth or a ruin or something to scare children with."

The woman handed him a copy of a tax agreement between the empire and Barron William of Gadobhra. The Baron read it and went white. "They can't do that. I'm the Protector of the North!!"

"For now. In a year they won't need you. Unless you stop them now, which you can do with our help. Just as we'll help you with the merchants.

The baron turned over a larger hour glass. "You have an hour. Explain."

Chairs and wine were brought for the three people from Alchemarx. More copies of official agreements were pulled out, along with the reports from certain merchants who felt that selling out their fellow merchants was just business. The Miser Baron was slowly convinced. "Very well, you've shown me the hook, now show me the bait. What do you offer?"

The women all nodded and one spoke. "Firstly, we'll deal with the merchants, showing their union is illegal. Then Alchemarx will pay them all off and get rid of them for you. Our treat. Although we aren't paying interest, and they will have to settle for less than they want. Just details, don't worry about it. Your bills will go away. Next, we fire all of your peasants and replace them with Peasant 2.0, Contract Workers. They can work twice as hard for twice as long, and will never complain about lack of food. All we ask for is some of the land in your Barony, access to unused resources, and the right to build our own small keep and merchanting village."

Pinchpenny winced. Land? Land was what you didn't get rid of. Still, there was a lot he wasn't using at all, and it just bred bandits and monsters. "No sale, I'll give you 99-year leases with very favorable terms. Maybe a few coppers per acre per year."

"That will be difficult to sell to the board, your excellency, but we can push for it. We could possibly offer you something else." A picture was held up of a large butterfly with multicolored wings nearly three-foot across. The glorious bug was sitting on someone's shoulder. "I'm sure that you will be interested to in this specimen. A shepherd seems to have trained it."

Pinchpenny was out of his seat in a flash, grabbing the picture. "Impossible! They are extinct! Converted to monsters, and killed by the inquisition long ago. But wouldn't this pretty thing look splendid mounted on my wall!"

"So we have an agreement then. We solve your merchant problems, stop Gadobhra from rebuilding Rowan Keep, and bring you this specimen. In return we take one quarter of your lands, half your natural resources, and manage our own estates."

The Baron nodded, still entranced by the photo. "As you say, but if you fail in any of the three tasks, the land and buildings revert to me."

The women looked at each other, smiling. "We can work with that. Alchemarx Acquisitions Inc doesn't make mistakes."

Papers were brought out, a lawyer summoned, contracts were signed. By days end several hundred peasants were told they needed to start packing. Alchemarx was getting a late start in this world, but they were hitting the ground running, and time had given them a great deal of information. Such as who had a thing for rare bugs.