Shakespeare Play from Today's Episode (Patreon)

Here is the text of the Shakespeare(?) play from today's episode.

The Dragon and Wizard of Venice

The King's Son Timothy - he is the king's son

Theodoro - a noble and wise cortier

Isabella the Princess - she is the fairest princess in all of venice

The Dragon - he is a local dragon of venice

TIMOTHY: Aah, tis such a pleasure to be in fair Venice, with the beautiful women who reside herein, whose soft skin doth flow like the river, and whose beauty is like the flower in the field.

THEODORO: Yes fair prince. Indeed this is Venice, where the wine doth flow like the river with the gondola in it. but pray tell, what business have we in this far fetched land?

TIMOTHY: Why fair Theodoro—are you not one of my father's greatest courtiers? Surely you know that at this time of year, we like to go a'birding in Venice.

THEODORO: Ah yes. The birds of this time of year are quite ripe for going a'birding.

TIMOTHY: Wait hold up Theodoro! Isn't that Isabella the princess, the fairest princess in all of Venice?

THEODORO: Why it doth appear to be so my liege.

TIMOTHY: Isabella the princess… Her cheeks are as rosy as daffodils. Her breath smells of cinnamon, the rarest spice in the world that 10,000 million men would die to find a small container of. And her hair is the classic color of brunette. But surely she is too good for me, a lowly BRITISH prince. Perhaps we should just go a'birding and forget all about this.

THEODORO: Timothy, thou art the son of my king! You say you wish to go a'birding, yes? Well perhaps you can go a'birding right here. Since bird is a british slang for a girl. You know what I mean?

TIMOTHY: Yes that is some crazy wordplay worthy of the bard himself. I brought my binoculars to go a'birding with, but now I shall cast my eyes upon this fair maiden instead.

ISABELLA: Hello. It is quite fetching to see such a noble sight here in Venice. You must be the prince of the faraway land of England, The King's very own son Timothy.

TIMOTHY: Then you have heard of my small island nation? The sun sets on us quite often, but we are hoping to change that. But I can see that the sun never sets on you, for you are as radiant as a thousand suns and as splendid as 200 suns, and your lips glow with the fiery passion of 215 suns.

ISABELLA: My word! Doth thou speak so eloquently of all the ladies of Venice?

TIMOTHY: No madam, only to you when I see your face that is burning and a'boiling with passion like 700 suns. I was just about to go a'birding, but now I am too distracted. I probably can't find any birds with my mind thinking of your face.

ISABELLA: I love going a'birding. Mind if I look in your binoculars and try to find a bird?

TIMOTHY: Why yes madam. It would be my honor to have your peepers go a'birding in my binoculars.

THEODORO: People in our time find that line to be rather raunchy, cause there's some double entendres in it I think.

ISABELLA: There's one. It's a lark. That's basically an old-timey kind of bird. But wait! What is this I see? It seems that there is not a bird, but a DRAGON, lifting up the King of Venice and taking him away to the dragon's lair!

TIMOTHY: Drat! And just when the conversation was flowing with this young maiden!

ISABELLA: Can you two go save him? He is my father and he will give you a fortune of gold and my hand in marriage probably if you can away him from the dragon's clasp!

TIMOTHY: Ok. Fine. But do we need to dress up as women to do it?

ISABELLA: No, I bet you can just stab the dragon at his castle. That oughta do it.

TIMOTHY: But wouldn't yonder dragon be more likely to welcome some fair young maidens into his castle than some guys?

ISABELLA: Nah, he doesn't really discriminate like that. But—

TIMOTHY: Come, loyal THEODORO. We must away to the nearest women's clothes-ery, to swaddle ourselves in the finest silken garments of thy clothesmakers of venice. So the dragon will be fooled.

THEODORO: Now it is the next day, and here we stand upon the precipice of the dragon's castle's front door, garbed as we are in the fineries of a woman's clothing.

TIMOTHY: Perchance this dragon will be caught off guard. All the easier to slay and fell him, to return the King of Venice to his rightful throne!

DRAGON: Who stands at my door, talking about the King I hath taken away from yonder Venetian throne?

TIMOTHY: It's you! Foul dragon of the Venice mountains! With one swipe of my blade, thine brain shall be a paste upon thine floor of stone. And the King shall be back in his rightful throneroom with his loyal cortesans, swinging a flagon of mead and singing his favorite songs!

DRAGON: Not so fast. You forget about my dragon's breath, which burns with the heat of—basically—220 fair maiden's bodies. If you saw a hot maiden, it would be like more than 200 of her basically. To put it in terms you'd understand.

TIMOTHY: Nothing can stop me in my pursuit of killing thine dragon body with my blade, for I am in love with the princess who dwells upon yonder shores of Venice, and she shall be mine when my steel blade doth cleave thine dragon carapace in twain.

DRAGON: Ok well, here i come with my dragon breath! Yaaaaa!!!! FFSSSHHH!!!!

TIMOTHY: And here I come with my sword of steel!!! Gaaahhh!!! That's it!! I have driven it in the very beating heart of the carapace of this hulking beast, felling him with a single blow!

DRAGON: AAAAgggghhhh.

THEODORO: Wait! Young prince! Look what else happened! The dragon's hot breath hath melted all the skin off the king's countenance and visage! No more of him yet remains than a skeleton!

TIMOTHY: OK. Theodoro, please put his skeleton face in my hand.

THEODORO: His skull? Yes, my lord. I shall do as you say.

TIMOTHY: OK I'm holding it now and looking at it. Alas poor king of venice, we hardly knew ye. It's too bad about the dragon, but let the record show that i DID kill him with my sabre, or blade. However, in this moment of tragedy, I must point out that thine daughter is an eligible bachelor, and maybe she will put me onto the very throne of this kingdom of venice, and make me her king.

THEODORO: My lord, becoming a king would make you nearly as powerful as a god!

ISABELLA: Dear Timothy! I was watching the whole thing! I was trying to go a'birding but I saw your fight in my binoculars instead. And I accept your marriage proposal! For now you shall be the king of this land of venice, and the people of the land will be heartened to know that their king is a just and noble king!

THEODORO: Truly this is a fairy tale ending that could only come from the pen of the noble bard himself.

TIMOTHY: You know what they say about the writer and his pen.

THEODORO: Big pen = big penis?

TIMOTHY: No—The writer's pen is exactly as mighty as the sword! I believe it was the great writer shakespeare who said that.

THEODORO: But my lord, isn't the pen mightier than the sword?

TIMOTHY: No. They nerfed the pen cause it was OP. But I have not time for these trifles. Come. For it is time to make me the KING, of ALL VENICE!

ISABELLA: Hooray for the king, whom god has bestowed upon this land!

TIMOTHY: Oh wait fuck, it's really rocky over here!I I accidentally fell down right onto my sword! Fuck! It was all going good for me but now fate hath intervened to make a mockery of man and king alike!

ISABELLA: Noooo! I cannot live, perchance, in a world without mine king by mine side! Alas, now I must die by thine sword as well—on purpose! Agggghhh!!

THEODORO: Noooooo! What a tragedy that hath befallen the land of Venice, where the merchants roam free and the rivers run with water. Ah yes, these scenic routes where people do laugh and walk, and do their shopping, now the rivers of water run red with blood, metaphorically anyway, because the king and his good queen hath died from the sword. It is so ironic how sometimes things go wrong in the ways of kings and queens. But perhaps a bard could elevate this story into a sublime tale, so that even the sadness of its tragedy shall bring joy to the ears and eyes of the people who watch the play, as they hear the mellifluous sounds of the words that the great bard hath written! THEEEEE END.