Greyest of the Blue Skies - AiD Update (Patreon)

 Brass tax: SILENCE THE PEDANT will probably be delayed once again.

 Now that we tore off the bandage… please let me tell you what's been going on. I’ve decided to make this a patrons only post because it’s going to get a bit too intimate for a general public statement. But to me, you guys are the ones that count the most and I believe you deserve a proper explanation. Here goes:

 It was sometime around in August that I have lost my ability to write. I’m sure you’ve heard of this phrasing before; It was as though a switch just turned off — the “writing” switch — from 100 to 0, gone, just like that in an instant… and it sounds implausible that a human can go through a change so drastic in such a short amount of time but that's how it really was. How could this have happen? I’ve been doing this for the better part of a decade now and all plots have been ready since forever ago. All I have to do just is execute. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to sit in front of my computer. After many attempts of forcing myself to do so, I noticed this sense of undeniable dread overtaking my psyche. Dread. To write my own stories. I have never, ever felt this way before. This was when I realized that the blue sky that has painted the window I look out of every day has turned grey.

 It is my firm belief that there is nothing more rewarding than creating a story. No drug in the world can top the high of completing a narrative where each piece has been crafted with love and care. Being a storyteller is who I am today and the person I wanted to be. It was a goal I unknowingly set 10 years ago while living in a friends garage with no insulation or AC. I had dropped out of college at the time and I had nowhere to go. There in that dingy dirty disgusting garage was myself, very little privacy, what little belongings I could call my own, and my stories. Manga, anime, visual novels, movies... whatever the medium was these stories were what saved my life. Where would I be without them? “Dead in a ditch somewhere” as the exaggeration goes, but with my ridiculous stubbornness and unreasonably high pride not allowing me to go back to my parents house, the outcome of such an event wasn’t entirely implausible.

 Time passed but Ritona, perhaps learning a thing or two from her creator, stubbornly refused to budge. And when Ritona doesn’t move, the entire production of StP comes to a halt. And when the leader falls behind, everything starts to buckle. That sense of dread I felt in front of the computer slowly and painfully turned into devastation and fear. “It’s just a writers block” you might say, but what if I never get out of it? In house deadlines kept passing but I was still unable to write. “All storms will eventually pass” I kept telling myself, but when? Every day felt like forever and an instant. I began to sleep excessively, for days sometime. I drank way more than I should. My mind became wrapped in this gentle numbness that exacerbated apathy. I had forgotten how to have fun. Hell, I didn’t even know what fun was anymore. I forgot the feeling of love towards crafting something. And then. Then came the agitation. Agitation directed towards myself, my team mates, my inability to perform, lack of communications, busy work, paper work, work that has nothing to do with creation, and this country. I do admire this country of Japan. It’s a great place here, really, much better than the US in many many aspects but I can confidently say after 7 years of living here, that this is not my home. The lack of space here makes me feel absolutely claustrophobic and the assholes that tell me to use the limited space wisely because theres nothing anyone can do about the crowded population with a shit eating grin infuriates me to no end. “Everyone else got over it, why haven’t you?” Because I suppose I’m petty. It’s a petty anger, perhaps a tantrum fit for a child. I know this but something is clawing away at my sanity. This isn’t how it was before and this is not who I am. This is not the person I wanted to be. I feel as though I am tied down and can’t do anything to prevent things from falling apart. Days, weeks, and months meld into a mush and every day you want to just cry because you feel like something is steal the time you have left here on Earth away from you.

 You see, I’ve been here before. The apathy, the numbness, the nothingness, the anxiety, the frustrations, the itch, the pills, the doctor visits, the drugs, the alcohol, the heavy metal. This was all too familiar. This is what they call textbook depression.

 The stress of not being able to show you guys anything is killing me everyday. Seeing overwhelmingly positive reviews of the series has turned relief into fear. I am petrified of disappointing the fans. The fear of being left behind and become obsolete is terrifying. StP has turned some heads that belong to those higher in the food chain. There have been many deals and meetings and bullshit paper pushing that’s taken months only to end up being nothing. Theres so much interesting shit happening under the hood, guys, but I can’t talk about it for many reasons and it’s driving me nuts. This bureaucracy game has turned me into a businessman rather than a creator. What the fuck happened? 

 But I digress. So why am I writing this now when so much time has passed since August? We'll I'm happy to report that I’m feeling better now. You might have noticed the lack of posts by me as Hare-san has taken over for a while but I have the mental capacity to look at Patreon again. It all started when we crossed the 300,000 copies mark a little while ago and decided to do a mini project. 

“Mhakna Gramura and Fairy Bell” (I might rename it to something else in English) was a tiny project we started to celebrate our 300,000 copies sold milestone. It was suppose to be a children’s book written by Alissyn Rievegh but it turned into something a bit more substantial. It’s turned into more of a light novel for all ages and for the first time in a few months I’ve been able to write again. I planned, plotted and wrote this 100KB short story in a week (a full light novel averages 150~200KB a book for reference). The text will become a part of StP (you can summon it via a book item) and will also become a standalone mini VN with 100% original score by Foxtail Grass Studio and will be illustrated by Hare-san. The text has been sent to our translator and he should be done by mid month. We’ve used In Design and have finished the formatting to print as a book. We’re going to print this 100 + page book because I fucking want to. I want to do something for the first time in a while. I have a feeling it’s going to turn out amazing. The standalone game + the 10 or so music tracks as an OST that’s eventually gonna be sold as a OST bundle via Steam will be given to all patrons for free at all tiers, way ahead of the Steam release, probably by the end of the month. For those who qualify, we will send you the printed books as well.

 That was it. I needed to step away from fault and make something else. That’s all it took. Mhakna has given me back my mojo for now.  I am so happy but frustrated at the same time that it had to take this long.

 I talked to Ritona and she hesitatingly agreed to get off her ass and finish her freaking story. Flora, Adia, Misha, Riggs… they are all moving again. This is the way I remember them and it feels like it’s been so long. I sigh with relief for now but I cannot guarantee that this won’t happen again and that scare me to no end. What if this was a recurring thing? If it happened once it can always happen again. But what can be done asides from learn from it? March forward and deal with each situation at a time. 

 In closing I want to apologize for StP taking so long. It pains me so much that we have to delay it again because of my personal issues and I am so terribly sorry. I also want to thank you for listening to my almost too-emotional an at times incoherent rant. I apologize for the lack of structure. I didn’t know how to write this so I just let my heart do the talking. You guys mean the world to us at AiD and the last thing we want to do was to disappoint and I’m sorry. 

 Also I’d like to thank you all in advance because I don’t know where else to show this appreciation. Thank you for those who chose to stay. Thank you to those who decide to leave. Thank you for accepting the wait. Thank you to those who can’t. Thank you for your disappointment and thank you for your concerns. Thank you for being and or have been a part of our little community. Thank you thank you thank you. 

Ista Vilserio,
Munisix

 PS - As for the question “so when is it going to come out?”. I can’t give you a time anymore. Let’s just say ASAP for now. This will be the last time we ever delay it because we won’t announce a period unless its done. I have left out many details about StPs production in this post but I'd say asset wise we're about 70%ish done. It's just that it cant be finished without my writing.