This Feels Funny (Patreon)

Half-cock/Black Rose wasn't having as bad of an evening as Nightfall was in my Equestria dreamscape Reoccurring Nightmare, but she was still grappling with getting rest of her team to speed with the concept of intimate hospitality. Lessons 

"Half-coooccckkk!" Whined Squall as she came trotting up to her teammate. "Do mares really wear this stuff? And if so do they actually enjoy it?" The violet pegasus mare was tugging at the garters again on her outfit. She like her fellow teammates was wearing an extensive lingerie ensemble. She did this little fidgeting dance as she stood in front of the unicorn . "This can't be right! This feels funny!"

The unicorn team leader stopped brushing her mane for a moment and glared at her other teammate. Then she took a deep breath and gave the pegasus a rather forced smiled. "Oh my dear! Would ya be so kind ta remember my name is Black Rose. Cuz if ya drop that other name in the wrong company ya could get us in a heap of trouble." She batted her eyelashes at her teammate a couple of times. "Ya understand?"

"But Half-cock ya didn't answer my–! Ow!" Squall let out a yelp as a levitated mane brush flew over and whacked her smartly on top of her head. Black Rose glared at her for a second and her gunslinger persona came forward again.

"Listen ya pigeon! Until this here operation is over I'm Black Rose! That's what ya call me. Cuz if ya don't this could go bad fast! Got it?"

Squall rubbed the top of her head. "Yeah, yeah I git it– Ouch!" The mare squealed again as the brush smacked her on the top of her brain bucket one more time. The black mane unicorn lifted her head and gave the pegasus a disapproving stare.

"That my dear, is not a proper response from a mare of style and sophistication. Now! What should a mare like ya say?"

Squall glared at the unicorn for a second. Then she closed her eyes and took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Just like she'd observed Princess Celestia do hundreds of times. When she opened her eyes they were much calmer. Then she spoke.

"I'm sorry ma'am. Please forgive my behavior. I fear I let my emotions git the best of me."

Black Rose nodded her head. "Now. That's a much better. I know this all seems a bit daunting, but believe me when I say ya both can do this if ya put yer mind ta it. All ya–"

The unicorn's motivational speech was cut short by a quick, sharp ripping sound followed by a softly mumbled curse. Black Rose looked across the room to find Long Shot staring at the silk hose on her back rear leg. A long run now went up the back of it. The earth pony pinto looked at her partner and sheepishly muttered.

"Sorry ma'am I'm afraid I accidentally caught it on the edge of this here chair."

Black Rose sighed and her horn flared. Fortunately she could still remember the emergency mending spell her mother had taught her years ago. As Long Shot watched the run repaired itself. It didn't go away entirely but it was serviceable again. The earth pony nodded her head.

"Thank ya ma'am. That was a mighty kind of ya. Sorry if I keep damaging these things. I'm just  more use to boots and sturdier stuff."

The unicorn sighed but smiled at her teammate. "That's alright dear. These things are rather delicate, so do try ta be gentle with them and be aware of what yer rubbing them up against."

"Why would any mare in their right mind wanna spend bits on these here things? They practically fall apart just wearing them." Grumbled Squall.

Black Rose began to slowly walking around the room. She sauntered up to a large bay window and paused to look down at the lights of Canterlot City, for several seconds the mare was silent. Finally she turned around and faced her teammates.

"Yer right Squall these threads are a might be on the fragile side, and ya need yer wits ta wearing them without wrecking them, but trust me ya can do it if ya just remember."

The unicorn's stare became hard again. "And remember. Ya need ta remember yer aliases as well during this here job." She glanced at the pegasus. "Ya are Zephyr." She looked at the earth pony. "And ya are Painted Hills. Ya'll need to keep that in yer minds the whole time till this is over. If ya let it slip it could endanger us all!"

Squall/Zephyr fidgeted a bit more in her seat. She coughed a couple of times then spoke. "So uh, Black Rose. We're uh, um suppose ta private entertainers. Um, is the only job they do is a, um, well, git in bed and–"

"What she's getting at is are we gonna have to have sex with ponies as part of this here job." Long Shot/Painted Hills asked as she looked into a full-length mirror.

Black Rose/Half-cock smiled levitated and open a small inlayed, lacquered tin. From it she levitated a small horehound pastille candy and popped into her mouth. One of the sacrifices she'd had to make was her lollipops. They were a bit unsophisticated for her cover. The pastilles tasted the same as the other candy but the unicorn found them less satisfying. The mare rolled the candy around in mouth for a moment before replying.

"Well....that depends on the establishment and what ya are specifically hired fer. Now, The Crystal Springs Hotel has hired us as private entertainers, but ya and Zepher are gonna have a probation period where the management will be giving ya two some other less, intimate and a more public work at first. Serving drinks, greeting guests, chatting with visitors, stuff like that. If ya work out then they'd ya would git more one-on-one work. However this op should be over by then."

Long Shot/Painted Hills took a sip of tea and then succeeded in returning the cup to its saucer without making a clinking sound. She dabbed her lips with her napkin before speaking. "You said Zephyr and I wouldn't be doing serious stuff immediately. I noticed you didn't include yourself. Does that mean you will?"

Half-cock had started brushing her mane, for a couple of seconds she said nothing as she continued to run the brush through her black mane. Finally she paused and looked back at the earth pony.

"Yeah I will. Old Memories Our cover is that I've been doing this kind of work fer awhile at a hotel in Poneiac. Ya two got yer job cuz I recommended ya ta the owners. Ya two had just started working at that the same hotel when I applied fer one of the openings at Crystal Springs Hotel."

Zephyr took a big swig from her glass of brandy then looked over at her teammate. "Is this hotel in Poneiac a real place?"

"It is." Said the unicorn.

The pegasus mare finished her brandy and then started looking around for the bottle. "And if what somepony decides ta check out yer story and asks somepony there if ya worked fer them? Then what?"

The light sand-colored unicorn set the brush down on a nearby table and started tying a ribbon into her mane. "Not a problem. The hotel is owned by Celestia herself via a bunch of shell companies. She's used it on several occasions as a front fer operatives like us. So no problem there."

Long Shot whistled approvingly. "Well now! Our Highness thinks of everything doesn't she."

Half-cock finished tying the ribbon in her mane. She turned and looked at herself in a nearby mirror. "Yes she does."

To be continued.