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After dropping Yuzu off and making their way back for the evening, the first thing Ben did was lay down and rest his eyes, neither sleeping nor going up to his god, instead trying to get the smallest bit of a break while aiming to keep any thoughts from his many minds.

He’d just lost a fight to one third-tier skill holder while being taken by surprise by another and in both times he’d been basically powerless to deal with it when his biggest goal was to somehow become strong enough to deal with someone who stood miles above either of them in less than a year's time. He’d known from the start it was unrealistic and a big part of the loose plan he had revolved around the idea that he’d have the strength to go far beyond his current enchanting ability by then so the way he’d just done things didn’t even apply but nonetheless, it showed him how out of his league he really was.

Would it be smarter to try and find someone else and then do what I can to raise them up in their own sacrilege? If Rook had even a speck of talent he might not be a bad idea despite being a colossal asshole but given it sounds like he’s been alive for a few hundred years and still doesn’t have any other skills at the second tier he’s not worth much beyond his ability to not die.

Abel’s a much better choice and I can already think of a few ways to boost her nice and quick. Get her the zeroth level and let her tears do most of the work and then we could try to get her to eat one of the shittier gods of the world to push her up as many levels as we can, maybe even awakening her. Hell, the plan I have to speed through my jobs could easily help her too. I don’t know if job bonuses affect how many tears she needs to spend but even if things aren’t so lucky, with the way I’m planning on speeding through things when I’m done with world killer, I’d be able to bring her into my party to help her get through any and all of the options she has too, it would be a worthy idea to look into.

Except I’ve met Oaun and as strong as Abel is, I’m really not sure it would be enough, even if I can get her to the third tier of sacrilege. Which means nothing I do will be enough either, obviously. God, this really is going to be impossible and on top of that-

His thoughts were cut off and he opened his eyes, seeing Thera on top of him looking back.

“Feeling frisky?”

“Maybe I would be if you’d tell me what’s going on in your head.”

“I think that as of the last few years, the answer could pretty easily be summed up to ‘a lot’.”

“You know what I’m talking about. What’s bothering you?”

God, where do I begin?

It felt like he had a million concerns of varying world-shattering magnitudes hitting him from all angles at all times and here Thera was, forcing the issue. It was the perfect time to finally sit and talk to her about his concerns about the world and the war and what felt like the inevitable fate of it all, but that wasn’t where his mind flashed.

No, his thoughts immediately went to a related issue, one Rook had oh-so-inelegantly brought up while he was being rejected.

“Do you ever feel like you’d be more comfortable with someone with a longer lifespan?”

“Ben-”

“Not, like, Rook, obviously. Someone who’s not a complete tool-slash-attempted murderer. Someone who’s going to have more than another one hundred to one hundred and eighty years ahead of them.”

Her first reaction to hearing that was to pinch his cheeks and tell him off but she could see that even if it wasn’t the main thing, the idea was bothering him in a way she wasn’t used to seeing, so instead she placed a firm finger on his chest as she spoke.

“Ben, I’m going to say something embarrassing here and I’m only going to say it once so you better make sure you listen the first time, understood?”

“Uh, okay?”

“When I decided I wanted to be with you, it wasn’t because I magically became fine with dating out of the blue and you were the first person around who I happened to get along with to try out. I am able to be in love because it's with you. Even if I live for thousands of years more after you pass, I’m going to treasure every minute we’ve had together and nobody and nothing is going to be able to change that. My life has completely changed by having you in it so no worrying about what some random psycho has to say, understand?”

She leaned down to kiss him as she said it, leaving him briefly dazed when she pulled away.

“Okay, understood. Wow, I would give you literally any amount of money to say that again. Seriously, just ask.”

“Nope, you get the once and you can use that perfect memory of yours to replay it in your head however often you want. What would you even get out of hearing it again?”

“Getting to enjoy you looking cute and embarrassed when you say it?”

“Still no. Now, I want to know the main thing that’s been bothering you because it’s clearly not just this. You’ve seemed at least a little off since getting back.”

“What, can a guy not just be good and traumatized from his second kidnapping?”

“Ben.”

“Sorry,” He sighed. “You’re right and this is something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about anyway. It's just a matter of finding the time and putting my feelings in order and trying to make sure I can actually reach my goals and that I’m not insane and… A lot. I’ve been thinking about a lot.”

“So tell me already.”

“...I don’t believe we’re going to win this Thera. The invasion, the war, everything. There’s not a single speck of my heart that believes there’s a possible future where we come out on top. I was doubtful before I saw the demon’s world but now I’m comfortable saying it’s basically a fact. This world is clinging to a delusional level of hope against an enemy that numbers in the what? Trillions at least, maybe beyond the quintillions for all I know. I guess the grey would have a better idea but they still haven’t said anything since I’ve gotten back and… Sorry, I’m rambling.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Thera taking in what he’d said before speaking again.

“So that’s what’s bothering you? The hopelessness of it all?”

“No. Well, I mean, yes that too, but mainly no. I feel like I’ve seen the end of the world but there’s also one pretty obvious way to stop it named Oaun.”

“What? The demon god you saw?” She asked, not understanding where that was going while he nodded.

“Yeah, and for a lot of reasons. This is the only god the demons have. An entire galaxy worth of faith is being centered directly on him. He’s so powerful that even if we somehow kill every demon in the whole of reality he probably has the strength to eliminate this world with a wave of his hand and uplift a whole new species to fill the void his kind has left behind, but if someone could kill him then the demons would be basically sorted out. With Ogilt and the other space spirits freed, he has to be handling their gate network himself so if he’s killed the invasion ends, trapping every demon that does exist on their various worlds and leaving ours alone. The issue with killing him comes back to power though. Even standing on the world he was on, I was instantly hit by the feeling of his divinity and if I could feel it then it would cripple anyone else. If Oaun has to die then someone really does need to have a third-tier sacrilege to get close and seeing as how I’m the first on the planet to awaken sacrilege in general, let alone get it to the ninth level after that, I have the best odds of making it happen.”

“...You’re expecting to die.”

“It seems like the most likely outcome, yeah, but I have plans I’m working on to reduce the odds. I’ve already got a great idea for absolutely cheating the job system in a way that was never intended for some positively insane growth bonuses and if that still doesn’t feel like enough I have another couple ideas too to improve things to get my goal of awakening sacrilege and connect before the next wave to give me the benefits I’d need to have half a chance… Okay, way less than half a chance but a non-zero chance of succeeding.”

The tension he could feel in her slowly growing as he spoke disappeared the second he explained what he’d need to do it, speaking of how low she viewed the odds of him managing to awaken the two skills, especially when one was still only at its seventh level and reaching the third tier was the sort of goal people could spend the rest of their lives on without success. Even if she believed he’d be able to pull it off one day, that sort of timescale was a whole other issue, a fact he was more than willing to bring up.

“Don’t think I’ll pull it off?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You were thinking it.”

“Reading my mind is cheating.”

“I didn’t, I’m super respectful of your mental privacy when it doesn’t seem like we’re in danger. You’re very expressive face on the other hand…”

“Reading my body language is also cheating, you’re uncomfortably good at it.”

“And now you’re the one avoiding the question.”

“I… So if you don’t get there, you won’t try to get yourself killed doing whatever you’re planning?”

“If I don’t get there then I don’t think I’d stand a fraction of a chance so not much point.”

“Okay then, good. In that case, can’t you just wait and see? Even if you do manage it, everyone’s placing their faith in how the third wave turns out. Can’t you just see how it goes?”

“You want me to wait and see how the wave that killed every other world turns out? Along with the massive loss of life that’s going to be tied to it.”

“Yes. I don’t care about nameless other people, Ben. I care about you and when it doesn’t sound like you feel confident in your odds at all, how can I be confident either?”

“I may not be confident right now but I’m going to do everything I can to change that. Planning ahead is my strong suit and I have nothing but time to get that done.”

Right, planning ahead is my strong suit.

The random thought helped him contextualize the rest of the day he’d gone through. He may have lost miserably on two fronts but he hadn’t been playing to his strengths. He hadn’t tried to cheat his way to victory and he didn’t have any number of pre-prepared items and weapons to help him. He’d objectively been way too fair which meant he still had room to improve on either front, a fact Thera hit on when she went on.

“Hmm, and today I got a very clear view of how badly things could go when you don’t get that planning time.”

“Then I just need to prepare for everything and to show you just how good my problem-solving can be, starting with solving our little immortal problem.”

“What, going to kill Rook?”

“Unfortunately, I’m going to have to stick to traumatizing him for now, killing an immortal is still a little beyond my abilities when they’re also immune to harm in general. Of course, I guess I’m going to be putting how much immunity he has to mental harm to the test. You’ll see later, it’s going to be great.”

“Fine. I’m still really not thrilled to know the sort of danger you're planning on throwing yourself into Ben.”

“Then let me help you relax.”

Leaning up to kiss her for whatever distraction it might bring, he did his best to forget about his worries on how he’d handle the future while she tried to focus on how bad his chances of getting what he needed were while the two enjoyed each other's company for some of the night.