where's the content? >:( (Patreon)

life's been a bit of a rollercoaster for me lately.

i don't want to make excuses, i don't want to vetnt o you guys. i'm sorry for failing to deliver content for too long yet again. if you don't care to read further, all that really matters is that i'm trying my very very best, things keep getting in my way, i'm kinda beyond my limit but i will 100% have a video up for you guys and content will resume at as regular a pace as possible as soon as i possibly can. i don't want to make anyone feel bad, or upset, or negative, so if you don't think reading a sad post from a sad girl wil ldo you any good then please, please do not read. this post got a bit heavier than i meant for it to, please bear that in mind. and if you can't support me, or if you don't want to support me, that's okay. i'm still so thankful for everything i've been given. thank you so much, to everyone who cares even the smallest bit about my content.

i haven't been doing well mentally lately. i won't go into specifics, but i've always had a lot of mental issues, i'm schizoaffective, i have up phases and (mostly lol) down ones. right now i'm in a hard place. some days i struggle to get out of bed, some days i struggle to sit at my computer or talk to my own family, nevermind fill out my responsibilities as a content creator. but that's nothing new, that's how it's always been. it's just that lately i'm at my limit with my existing problems and it feels as if more and more is being thrown at me too.

there's been lots of health scares within my family lately. that's pretty normal, as a family member i live with has multiple serious long term health conditions, but lately my mother has had some bad health issues and as a result i've kinda had to become a full-time-mother-of-four here and there too, when she's not been well enough to physically serve that role. a new medication she's on seems to be working, i won't say any more about that but i've spent the last few months kinda playing mommy so the pressure and stress of that has become a bit of a weight upon me. i'm used to helping around a lot but it's been much more than i'm strong enough to control lately.

streaming is something i've been lookign forward to seriously pursuing for a long, loooong time, and it's so exciting to be finally reaching that. streaming has been my one little light the last few crazy months, the one thing i've been grasping tightly onto. it makes me so happy. i allowed myself to take a little step back from youtube for a couple of weeks so that i could get properly into streaming whilst also juggling all of my personal life's obligations. 

when i was about to return and i was feeling healthy enough to get some work done on youtube content, my little sister got very sick suddenly and ended up in the hospital. after some tests we're hoping it was nothing serious, but this was kinda the straw that broke the camel's back and i just felt as if i had reached my limit. all of the problems i've been facing recently are things that aren't that bad, i know. they're things that i should be strong enough to deal with. but when they keep hitting me and hitting me one after another i just feel as if i can't go on anymore. 

i don't want to take a break again, or anything like that. content creation is my entire life. i dropped out of school at 12 due to my fragile health. i don't have any formal qualifications. i don't leave my house often. i'm usually too scared to leave the house. i've never really had a real life friend, and the last time i had contact with just a normal peer my age was probably when i was in school all of those years ago. i have no friends, no social life, nothing really but my family and the motivation to continue doing what i'm doing now. i'm 100% certain that if i had never started making youtube content i'd be dead today.

jesus christ, that got morbid fast. i'm really sorry. i didn't intend for this post to go this way.

i took a few hours to recalibrate and calm down a bit. i tried not to stress over content creation for a day or two. i tried to work slowly, here and there, wherever i could. i was finally thinking yesterday morning that i was going to be able to finish the next video in time for the end of the month when my pet rabbit lily got very sick yesterday out of nowhere. she passed away this morning. i spent all of last night cradling her and sobbing and all of today digging a grave and trying not to break down into tears every five minutes. she was beginning to get old, but it came out of nowhere. 36 hours she was perfectly healthy, happy, eating all of her food. just like always. 

i don't really know what the point of this post is at this point, or what i'm trying to say. i really don't want pity, or to make excuses any longer. i genuinely want to make content, i do. i want to keep making videos and keep streaming for a long time. i want to stay here, and make lots and lots of videos that you guys will like.

it just feels like one thing after another lately, that's all. it feels like life won't give me a minute just to breathe.

the video will come soon. i don't know what soon means, but know that as soon as i am able to give it all of the love and energy and passion that it deserves it will be on youtube. i'll make you a good video and many many more after this one too. i'll do it as soon as i can without shattering into a trillion little pieces and not being able to do anything ever again.

i know how to take care of myself, and i know what i want. ijust wish i wasn't such a fragile person. my family always say it's as if i'm made out of glass. i could shatter any moment. i wish i was made out of something stronger.

thank you so much for reading my ramble. i didn't intend on sharing any of this really, or getting so dark. i hope i didn't upset you. i hope you don't mind me being a bit vulnerable. my intention was to be honest and offer transparency , since you all deserve at least that much.  as soon as i can!!!!!!!!! content!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!

big big big big big big big big big big love,

shadow.