Winter Script Finalist B: A Clerical Error (Patreon)

I’ve included dialogue lines coming from the perspective of the listener that are not intended to actually be voiced, they’re just included to give context to the dialogue of SECRETARY and LEXI (the two voiced characters). They are headed “LISTENER”.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Our listener (LISTENER) enters the front office of a large building that is the headquarters of a company that manages marketing for several female models that eat people regularly and have gained significant fame for doing so. The office is clean and tidy, and staffed by a lone woman at a desk (SECRETARY). Muffled party music can be heard coming from a closed door at the back of the room. Our listener approaches the front desk somewhat apprehensively.

SECRETARY

Hello, what can I help you with?

LISTENER

Hi. I’m... uh, looking for a friend of mine. She was supposed to be doing a... photoshoot here, I think?

SECRETARY

A photoshoot? Hmm, I don’t remember any on the schedule for today... could I get her name?

LISTENER

Uh, yeah... it’s Mary.

SECRETARY

Mary... let me see here... (typing sounds) hmm, I’m sorry, I don’t see anything in the schedule... do you know what time she was supposed to have it?

LISTENER

She said 3 P.M., I think.

SECRETARY

3 P.M.? I see... do you know if she signed up for the ‘Fan Photo Lite’ or the ‘Fan Photo Plus’?

LISTENER

Uh... I’m... not sure.

SECRETARY

She didn’t say? I see... well, I can check our other appointments and see if something got mixed up. Just give me a few minutes here, I’m sorry... our system is being soslow today. (short apologetic laugh, followed by typing sounds).

LISTENER

That’s ok.

(After a few moments of typing sounds transpire, a long belch followed by muffled laughter is heard coming from the room behind the closed door at the back of the office, just audible over the music.)

SECRETARY

Hmm... well, I did find one appointment for a ‘Mary’... did you mention her last name?

LISTENER

Uh... Stevens.

SECRETARY

Oh, well, that’s definitely her. It’s showing me she had an appointment for today, but... not for a photoshoot.

LISTENER

Oh... well, I’m pretty sure she said photoshoot...

SECRETARY

You’re sure she said, “photoshoot”?

LISTENER

Mm-hmm.

SECRETARY

I see... well, it looks like the system may have scheduled her for our ‘Loyal Sacrifice’ package instead. Must have been a... clerical error. I’m so sorry about that.

LISTENER

Well... that’s ok, I guess. Do you know how long it’s supposed to be?

SECRETARY

How... long? Um... well, our ‘Loyal Sacrifice’ package is... well, you know... more of a permanent sort of appointment...

LISTENER

What? You mean... what are you saying?

SECRETARY

I am so sorry, it’s our mistake-

(SECRETARY is interrupted by the door at the back of the office opening, momentarily flooding the office with the full volume of the music and laughter. A tall blonde woman emerges and closes the door behind her (music thus returns to its muffled state). She is wearing short jean shorts and a light tee shirt. Her stomach is visibly stuffed, her belly protruding from beneath her shirt. She towers over both SECRETARY and LISTENER. Her name is LEXI. She’s very bubbly and excited as she speaks.

SECRETARY (to LISTENER)

I’m sorry, one second-

LEXI (to SECRETARY, interrupting)

Hey, are you done yet? Everyone’s doing shots in the back, you should totally-

SECRETARY (to LEXI, interrupting)

Not right now, Lexi, I’m busy-

(LEXI notices LISTENER for the first time. LISTENER seems visibly intimidated.)

LEXI (to LISTENER, interrupting)

Hey, a fan! How’s it going? Are you here for me?

LISTENER

Uh... I don’t-

LEXI (to LISTENER, interrupting)

Wait— don’t tell me... you’re one of Emily’s fans, aren’t you? Oh my god, she is so overrated, like... you have no idea. (Stifled burp)—‘scuse me. Well, that’s ok... hey! You should totally take a picture with me for my Instagram! I’m trying for 300K followers, so I’m like, posting everything, y’know. Here, let me get over here—

SECRETARY (to LEXI, interrupting)

Lexi! Just leave her alone, ok? She’s not here for... that.

LEXI (to LISTENER)

Oh! Oh my gosh, I’m sorry! I just kind of assumed you were a fan... you look like a fan. I’m sorry, that was kind of rude, you don’t look like anything. Wow, that sounded bad. I didn’t mean—

SECRETARY (to LEXI, interrupting)

Lexi, just shush for one moment. (to LISTENER) I’m so sorry, can I get your full—

(LEXI interrupts with a loud burp.)

LEXI

Wow... excuse me.

SECRETARY

I’m so sorry about that. Can I get your full name, please?

LISTENER

Um... Ally Smith...

SECRETARY

Thank you so much. Let me just put it in the system here. Again, I am so sorry. Was Mary just a friend, or was there any relation?

LEXI

Hey... Mary! Wasn’t that the name of that girl I just ate?

SECRETARY (to LEXI)

Lexi, please!

LEXI (to SECRETARY)

What? I just—

(Lexi is interrupted by SECRETARY leaning over and whispering something in her ear. It doesn’t have to be understandable, but she’s explaining the situation to Lexi.)

LEXI (to SECRETARY)

Ohhhhh... wait... oh my gosh, was I not supposed to eat her?

SECRETARY (to LEXI, sighing)

No, that’s not... please let me do the talking, Lexi... (to LISTENER) I’m so sorry you had to hear it like that, but... Mary is no longer—

(LEXI interrupts with a loud belch.)

LEXI

(short laugh) Oh my gosh, excuse me.

SECRETARY

Lexi, really?

LEXI

What? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold it. (to LISTENER) I’m really sorry, I totally didn’t know. (stifled burp) Oh my gosh, my bad.

LISTENER (to SECRETARY)

But... so Mary is... she’s...

SECRETARY

Yes, I’m afraid she’s... no longer with us. But... what I can do is offer you a voucher for any of our Fan packages totally free of charge!

LISTENER

You... you can’t be serious...

SECRETARY

Well, it’s company—(LEXI interrupts with another burp, apologizing)—It’s company policy for these... situations. I’m sorry I can’t do more, but—

LISTENER

What?!? You’re sorry? My friend just got EATEN and that’s all you can say? This is unbelievable! I must be dreaming...

SECRETARY

I understand you’re upset, and again, I’m so sorry, but—Lexi, what are you—

(Sounds of LISTENER getting swallowed by LEXI are heard. From this point the dialogue and sounds are further muffled, as if LISTENER is inside LEXI’s stomach.)

SECRETARY (to LEXI, sighing)

Really? Do you know how much paperwork I have to fill out for that?

LEXI

I’m sorry, I thought it would help! Now you don’t have to worry about it.(burp) Besides, two at once is like, major likes on Instagram!

SECRETARY

Lexi, that is not a good reason to just eat someone—

LEXI

But I saved the company money, right? Now she won’t use a free voucher. (Loud burp)—oh my god, sorry—

SECRETARY (interrupting)

I hardly think she would have used that voucher anyway.

LEXI

Well, now she definitely won’t. So... this means you’re done, right?

SECRETARY

Done? Now I’ve got tons more paperwork to do—

LEXI (interrupting)

Can’t it wait? You should come do shots with us, you hardly ever hang out anymore.

SECRETARY

(long sigh) Well, I suppose this could wait until tomorrow...

LEXI

Yeah, it totally can! C’mon.

(The door at the back of the office opens once more as LEXI and SECRETARY pass through it. As they pass through, a few more dialogue lines can be heard, but they fade out as LISTENER loses consciousness.)

LEXI

Wait, you could totally take a picture with me for my Insta! The secretary and a model, the fans would love it!

SECRETARY

Oh, I don’t think so... I am notvery photogenic right now...

LEXI

What? You look totally hot, don’t worry about it!

SECRETARY

(laughs shyly)

LEXI

I’m serious! (Loud belch)—sorry. You’ll be great!

-Submitted by Chinley