Well. (Patreon)

I managed to survive your horrid lowfolk holiday relatively unscathed, no thanks to the perfidy of certain individuals whom I won't name.  You know who you are.

And so do I.

For now, let's continue on with the story.  Where did Typantronn get you up to?  Let's see ... I was parleying with Ash Marten and he was making ridiculous statements about my enemies and how he could help them get to me, so I called his bluff and asked him to elaborate on the subject more fully.  We stared at each other for a while, until I thought he was playing some strange form of Frontgammon - and then suddenly:

"Of course," Ash grinned as his jovial manner suddenly returned.  "I would be happy to list off your enemies.  You should have done this yourself.  It is something that will be an absolute necessity if you wish to rule an empire someday.  Surely you don't believe for a moment that Queen Edessa is your only enemy?  What about the Duchess of Daisies, Bonsai and his Shrub Knights, the Vulpitanians, the rabbit village, or the entire population of Faerie?  Even your former allies are turning on you.  Did you forget that your former mentor tried to kill you not long ago?  It wasn't your plea of innocence that convinced Estvan to stop; it was when you took his walking stick and threatened him with it as a bargaining chip.  Another example:  That opossum body guard you used to have, the last time you met he helped you despite the Duchess's wishes.  He has a family.  According to my contacts when O'Daisies were still doing business out here, the Duchess found out about Lemmy's little slip. Who is he more likely to strike out against, the Duchess or you?  You've been safe out here only because all the forces that worked against you believed you to be harmless. That's not entirely true anymore, is it?  As minuscule and slow to build as it is, your hair cult is a shuffling inch in the right direction.  Would they see you as truly harmless if they realized you were slowly building influence and resources?  Of course they would be wiser to strike while you are still small and weak.  I only have to say the right words to the right people, and the word spreads around through Faerie and the lowfolk realm.  Suddenly Edessa realizes your banishment isn't as restrictive as she thought.  Suddenly Bonsai finds out his tree guards are no longer serving their original purpose.  Suddenly The Duchess discovers that her originally dismissed suspicion that you were behind the trees attacking her really was your doing all along.  Suddenly the rabbits of Bunkirk learn that you and your followers are the real culprits behind their recent troubles.  Suddenly the Vulpitanians learn that their spy has become a turncoat and is working for the presumptive emperor now.  Suddenly word spreads like wildfire and every elf in all of Faerie realizes that Adler the 'Mass Murdering Brother Killer' is still alive, and they learn exactly where he is.  Militias, spies, assassins, knights, fundamentalists, and everyone who bears you a grudge will be marching to your doorstep.  As for 'holding the door open' ... scoff all you like; it matters not that I can't approach the stone circle.  I am a Fuma damned master of nature lore and magicks.  I can force the trees currently guarding you to go inert or even kill themselves if I so wished.  I've let you discover one word - just one puny nature word against my own vast, encyclopedic knowledge which I gained over centuries.  I'll have you know that I wrote the book on nature lore and the use of the Voice of the Forest!  So rest assured, my young friend, you will be utterly helpless and unguarded while you are accosted from all sides.  Your cultists won't be able to help you, because they will be busy bearing the Rabbits' wrath.  You might be able to hold off such a multifarious assault for a while, but you can't defend on all fronts indefinitely.  Eventually even the keenest eye must blink, and yours is not the keenest by far ...  Imagine the Duchess succeeding this time in planting her charm, rendering you blind, deaf, and dumb to the outside world, hiding in your little tower in fear for your life forevermore."

At some point about two-thirds of the way through this monologue, I began to hear a small voice whispering "Sire!  Psst!  Sire!" somewhere behind me.  I tried to wave the interloper to silence and listen to the rest of Ash's rant - just to be polite more than anything else.

Eventually he stopped talking and paused with a smug look on his face, apparently expecting me to gasp or sob or something.

"Is that it?" I asked.  "Are you done?  Hang on for a minute.  My spy has returned and I need to hear her report."

"Naturally," Ash gloated.

"Well?" I asked the Ixie as I withdrew from the scrying-space.  "Did you contact the Sisterhood?  What did they have to say?"

"They're not sure who he really is," she replied.  "If this is the same Ash Marten who ran a tavern in Tulgeyside and then burned it down, they know him to be a small-time operator of local organized crime, specializing in murder, extortion, and insurance fraud.  Before the fire, his tavern was a good recruitment location for potential Sisterhood agents.  They've kept an eye on him but so far have deemed him not enough of a threat to merit action.  What has he been saying?  Has he menaced thee?  They would be most interested to hear of any developments in that direction."

"He's pathetically desperate," I sighed, shaking my head at the sad spectacle of seeing an elf brought so low.  "Really grasping at straws.  He needs me to be crowned so I can pardon him, but instead of begging my favor he's acting all belligerent as if he alone can control my destiny.  Instead of simply helping himself by helping me, he's willing to sabotage things so that neither he nor I can ever get what we want.  It's downright goofy.  Get this:  He reckons the Duchess will come all the way back here to fight me when she discovers I'm a bigger threat, even though I managed to whoop her butt when I was LESS of a threat earlier!  I suspect he's a dishonest elf, because he implied that it was threats of physical violence, not my sincere protestations of innocence, that convinced Estvan to stop trying to murder me.  He seems confused about what exactly Lemmy did for me after the battle ... wait ... does that mean Lemmy is still alive?  Did he get out of Albric Tor?  How would Ash Marten know that?  And what did Lemmy do anyway?  He said he'd make a vague report about me to the Duchess; that's all.  If he got on her bad side I doubt he'd be in any position to come take it out on me.  Ash said something about a Vulpitanian spy defecting to my side and I don't have the slightest clue what he's referring to there, but if it's true wouldn't that be more to my benefit than my disadvantage?  He tried to scare me with the mental image of hordes of elves marching here to attack me - but Faerie is perforated by Gaps.  They'd have to march on foot through lowfolk country, and I don't see a lot of elves going to that much trouble.  The only thing he's got that worries me is his uncanny command over the trees.  If he gets the rabbits riled up and then clears the forest ..."

"Sire?" the Ixie asked as I trailed off.

"Something just occurred to me," I said excitedly.  "Ash said he had written the book on the Voice of the Forest.  What if that was no mere figure of speech, but ..."

I dashed to the bookcase where I thought I had remembered seeing it, and sure enough, there it was:  A thin, cheaply-bound monograph entitled An Exhaustive Treatise on the Tactical Utility of the Voice of the Forest, with complete glossary, by Dr. Owter Cesawonki, S.A., L.V.

I quietly thanked Fuma for her gift of Luck, and my ancestor Thorwald for being such an obsessive hoarder of information that he started the Department of Definitive Veracity, which built this scrying tower, and at some forgotten date obtained an obscure piece of Vulpitanian scholarship for its library.

"I think I know who our mysterious Mr. Marten is," I chuckled.  "Stay on call in case I need you, but I'm starting to feel it will not be necessary to involve The Sisterhood in this affair after all."

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