Hotel Chaldea Ep. Astolfo (Patreon)

"I'm starting to think that getting stuck on tropical islands is starting to become a rather unwelcome theme in my outings, although, for once, it's not in any way, shape or form planned," you spoke, putting your balled up fists on your hips, and glaring at the culprit of the situation you were stuck in, mister "hey I've got an idea, let's use my Noble Phantasm to get there faster", also known as Astolfo, he who was very definitely a he despite the undeniable sexiness of his form that outclassed almost all women in the world, especially that tight, rounded butt clad only in a dark blue one piece swimsuit that- "And stop trying to distract me with your butt!"

Astolfo was indeed wagging his butt, about ankle deep in the crystal clear waters of the sea, his long braid shaking as he did, then he did a little spinning pirouette, throwing a peace sign and a wink. "Do you want me to stop 'cuz it's working?" he asked, giving you a good view of his form, the curves, and lack thereof.

"I want you to stop because I need to think, and I need to stay mad at you for getting us into this mess!"

He didn't even seem slightly cowed, if anything, he was just more amused. Granted, his mood did match the beautiful white sand beach, but still... He raised his hands and stretched his body, making a show of it, before throwing a fist in the air in a little hop. "Cheer up!" he shouted, as if he was an actual cheerleader, no pompoms to be seen though, as he brought his hand down to point at you. "Staying angry is bad for your health, and as your duly designated bodyguard for the duration of this trip, looking after your health is my top priority!" he called, a big grin on his face.

"Yes, because I can just flick a switch and decide to stop being angry at you," you responded, loading your tone with as much sarcasm as you could.

"Oh, that's awesome, you can just do that? Usually I have to think positive thoughts until I forget whatever I was thinking about before!" Astolfo said, laughing.

"You're mocking me," you replied. "You're actually making me angrier. You suck at this."

Astolfo pouted, looking at you for a moment, then he lit up again. "Okay, maybe I do!" he said. "Maybe you'll feel better after a meal?" he asked. "Just stay here and I'll go fish-"

"No, no you're not," you said, "you're not going anywhere, not as long as I don't know that you won't just run off and forget what you were doing, and not as long as I don't know what there is in this island besides us... we could find anything here."

"Like a three story tall winged dragon that breathes flame?" Astolfo asked.

"A bit extreme but, sure," you said. "I can fight off a bear if need be but-" then you stopped. That was Astolfo. Comedic timing dictated- "There's a dragon behind me, isn't there?"

"Well, behind and a little to the left but yeah," Astolfo said. "Should I-"

"Is it looking at us like it wants to eat us?" you asked, not turning around.

"It's looking at you like it wants to eat you, it's looking at me like I'd make a good toothpick after," Astolfo said with a big grin on his face.

"Alright. We're eating dragon steak tonight I guess..."

As it turns out, the dragon wasn't all that strong. Or rather... Astolfo was very very strong, when he stopped fucking around, pulled out his sword and cut most of the dragon's tail off, separating it into several pieces, one of which had been turned into a multitude of steaks some of which were roasting over a fire, held in place by Astolfo's sword, held up over the fire with sticks and vines.

The dragon had fled far towards the other side of the island, taking flight and disappearing into the horizon's sea of trees, and the space where it'd been stalking you from was a good clearing closer to the center of the island that served as a place to establish a base before the sun could set.

"Right, we don't know how long we're gonna be here," you mused. "So we must first take care of food, shelter and water..." you closed your eyes. Water, food and shelter were easy enough. While the seawater around you was salty, the center of the island had a freshwater pond, and Astolfo found it rather quickly. After that, making a shelter didn't take long, just gathering vines and branches from the trees and fashioning them together into a small hut to sleep in.

Finally, as night fell, food was solved, with the aforementioned dragon steaks.

But more than that...

"I'm boooreeed," Astolfo mused. "If we're just gonna stay here doing nothing I'm gonna go crazy!" he said.

"You were never sane to begin with," you pointed out. "And whose fault is it that we're here again?"

"Aaaaaanyway!" Astolfo rapidly changed the topic, poking the fire with a twig, then throwing the twig away. "Let's dispense with the setup already!" he called. "I know you brought me here to violate me, and turn my cute butt into your own personal cum dumpster!" he accused you, walking up to you and poking your chest, the strength of that poke almost knocking you over, reminding you of his actual and proper monstrous strength. "So why aren't you hip deep in me already? Am I not attractive enough for you?"

"What part of 'I am angry at you' do you not get? Is it the part where I'm angry at you?" you responded.

"Maaaybe," he said, raising a hand to his ear and poking his little finger into it. "Nope, don't get it. Usually when people are angry at me they pound my butt real hard!" he said, huffing in frustration. "I'm even wearing a cute swimsuit to present myself as more vulnerable and open to sexual approaches!" he said, glaring at you.

"That is some old fashioned bullshit, and also, you realize we spend most of our time at Chaldea right? Almost everyone there walks around half naked all the time, you think that I'd think anything weird from you wearing a swimsuit for no adequately explained reason?" you asked, grabbing your own stick to poke the fire. How was it even burning anyway? You didn't remember refueling it at any point... You dismissed the thought. Probably magic bullshit.

"Well that's true but-" Astolfo pouted, his cheeks inflating, "agh, this isn't working," he said, "I told Master I should've worn the Fuck My Butt shirt!" he said. "Well this entire trip is ruined now."

"Yes, I wonder why," you said, rolling your eyes. "Anyway, we're lost in the middle of nowhere and now have to wait for rescue thanks to you," you said, moving so you could rotate the sword and thus the steaks on it. "You're sure this won't damage the sword at all right?"

"Yeah it's fine, it's fine, it's made of way sterner stuff than you'd think!" Astolfo said. "But enough about my sword, let's talk about my sword instead!" he said, standing up and gesturing towards the bulge at the front of his swimsuit. Clearly one designed for girls that had no business trying to keep his erection in check. "Doesn't this turn you on? Aren't I cute?" he asked.

"Yes, you are very cute," you said, "but we're in the middle of a survival situation, and sex should be the furthest thing in your mind. I know you're already dead and you don't care, but I have children I'd like to go back to, thank you very much," you said.

"Does that include-"

"Yes, even her, as... weird as our relationship is," you said.

"Don't worry it's still not the weirdest in Chaldea," Astolfo said, throwing a thumbs up, then reaching for his crotch. "But it's good, I promise," he said, "nothing here's a threat to us!"

"Nothing here's a threat to you," you accused. "I need you alert, paying attention and ready to go at a moment's notice," you explained, gently.

Astolfo sat on the ground beside you, hugging his knees to his chest and curling up. "I'm really trying okay," he said, sniffing. "It's hard to concentrate when I'm just so damn horny!"

You huffed. "What's the matter with you, I know you're not as dumb as you play up so-" then something hit you. "Saaay, Astolfo, where you horny from the start..." you hummed, thinking about things. He'd certainly become a lot more... extra all of a sudden.

"Eh? Well, not really," he said. "I was gonna just do my job like Master asked, she promised to use the big one that looks like the Hyp- erm," he shook his head. "Anyway Master said she'd reward me if I didn't start an incident this time," he said, raising his finger. "But then while we were traveling I just couldn't bear the horniness anymore. I need your cock in me," he said. "It's funny, usually I only get like this when I'm using my Monstrous Strength skill."

You stopped. "You get horny when you use Monstrous Strength?"

"Yeah! It makes you more in line with your bestial and animalistic impulses!" Astolfo said, "I mean I don't have it as bad as Medusa but, you know, it gets annoying when I get an erection mid fight, my panties were not designed to deal with those let me tell you!" he giggled.

"And you weren't using it?" you asked.

"Hmmm, I wasn't at all! In fact, in order to be able to operate far from master, I have to seal a bunch of my skills and only use them sparingly," he said. "Masters aren't supposed to have more than one contract so we can't form contracts with you to supply us with power."

You nodded. "Right..." you mused. "So... you suddenly felt some sort of magical horniness come over you somehow, and now you're almost unable to control yourself... that's really odd..." you scratched your cheek, then rotated the dragon steak again.

"Eh? Is it odd?" he asked. "I mean, I guess it could be some sort of crazy and bizarre situation! Maybe when I called upon Hippogriff to skip the travel time, I actually crossed over into some sort of strange sexual singularity where the only thing that exists is an island that massively increases the horniness levels of all femboys until we turn into complete sluts desperate for cock," he said, rubbing his chin. "But that's ridiculous, it could never be!" he said.

You stopped, looked at him for a few moments.

"That is the dumbest, most ridiculous, illogical and nonsensical garbage you could've come up with, it's the sort of idiotic plotline that only a hack dick-for-brains writer that's only thinking about sex would come up with-"

Astolfo suddenly grabbed at you, covering your mouth, stopping you from speaking for a few moments, before letting you go.

"What the hell," you growled at him. "Why'd you do that?"

"I dunno, I just felt like I had to stop you before something terrible happened!" he said.

"We're lost in a tropical island that has dragons in it, what could possibly get worse in this situation?" you asked.

"You know asking that is just inviting things to get worse right?" Astolfo asked.

"This isn't a story, alright? It's not like it's suddenly gonna start raining even though the skies are clear just because I said the cliché," you said.

Astolfo looked up, for a few moments. Not a cloud in the sky. Not one. Not even a hint of one.

"Boo!" he cried. "I'd been hoping for a karmic retribution," he said, "Subverting this is almost as cliché as playing it straight!" he added.

"What are you even talking about?" you finally spoke in frustration. "Can we concentrate on ideating a plan to get out of here first?"

Sighing in frustration and boredom, Astolfo finally broke. "Right, fine, okay," he said.

"The dragon steak looks like it's gonna take a couple hours," you mused.

"Yeah. It's boring. Do you want to fuck?" Astolfo asked. "You know, to pass the time."

You looked at the steak. Then you looked at him.

You rolled your eyes, tossed the stick you'd been using to poke the fire, and then turned to him.

"Yay! Finally!" he said, turning around and using a hand to move the bottom part of his swimsuit aside, revealing his ass. "Go on straight ahead~ No foreplay needed, I've been aching for a cock all day~!"

"You know, you're not convincing me you're bi with how much you love cock," you quipped as Astolfo pulled the blue fabric aside to reveal his peachy pink skin, unblemished by exposure to the sun, and more importantly, the slightly darker skin of his well worn and thoroughly prepared asshole, already winking as it awaited your intrusion.

Astolfo giggled. "What's good is good!" he called in response, shaking his butt at you, grabbing each cheek with his hands and spreading them wide open as if to invite you to wreck him.

You were already getting hard. Unlike him, you hadn't come beach ready, so you were still wearing your work uniform, meaning you had to open up your pants and let them drop to about mid thigh, getting on your knees on the soft grass that was almost a carpet on the clearing, lining yourself up with Astolfo's asshole first, then smirking and starting to tease him by rubbing against his crack, turning his boy butt into a pair of buns and making a hot dog with your cock, massaging it as you worked yourself up to full mast.

"Aww, come onnn!" he mewled, "I've been waiting for this all day, since I volunteered for this mission! This is what I came for, I haven't had a good cock in weeks!"

You put the tip of your dick against Astolfo's butthole and pressed against it, feeling how it opened up ready to swallow you in, to suck you into his exit-only hole.

And then suddenly, in a blur of gray and red, someone appeared in the clearing. It was a servant with the shape of a young adult, red hair that covered his eyes, and a mostly gray, stereotypical ninja outfit. He dropped to one knee and put a hand on the floor, the other folded in front of his face, in a very typically ninja pose. "Servant Assassin, reporting for support," he said. "I'm here sent by Master Ritsuka, we've been informed of the emergency, and I've come to render assistance. So far, we've determined the details of the singularity, and it only allows servants who are male but could pass as female with a little work," he explained.

Astolfo looked at him. And realized that you stopped, and hadn't gone inside him.

Then the pink haired servant backed himself up into you, burying you into his ass in a swift, decisive and powerful motion.

"F-Fuck, Astolfo- wait, Assassin is-"

"Let him watch!" Astolfo cried.

The red haired servant raised his face. "Watch wha-!"

And then his face was as red as his hair, as Astolfo began to mercilessly bounce his ass on your cock, backing up and moving forward like he was spring powered, giving you no quarter and making you experience a sudden and unexpected pleasure.

"What are you doing!? This is a potentially hostile-"

"What does it look like I'm doing, I'm getting my asshole pounded!" Astolfo cried out in ecstasy, his face showing nothing but pleasure. "This is what I live for!!" he shouted, "yess! Fuck me harder~!"

Impossible to resist, the effeminate paladin fucked you with his ass in a most ridiculous way. Your body moved by itself, grabbing him by the hips and then starting to pound his femboy ass like it owed you money. His legs lost strength and he fell prone, and then you continued pounding him into the ground, as he cried out in joyous, orgasmic ecstasy.

"Yes! Yes! This is the best!!" Astolfo shrieked, "I'm cumming, finally, finally I can cum~!" he yelled, arcing his back beautifully, raising his head and screaming out to the high heavens, at the same time as his entire body tightened up on you like it was all focused on milking your cock through his ass.

And that his ass did, the pressure sudden and powerful of the tight, velvety hold causing you to go over the edge, especially after he'd been annoying you all day, it somehow felt like your duty to cream his femboy asshole, and fill him up and then some.

The orgasm was accompanied by the sensation of a weight lifting off of you...

And then it was over, and you were panting, pulling your dick out of his ass, covered in baby batter, realizing that at some point you had covered him with your own body, and were using your arms to hold yourself up.

Actually, the red haired Assassin helped you up, but when he touched you, suddenly, he seemed to become a wobbly support, and the two of you almost fell.

"Oh no... it's starting, I thought I would be immune due to my training, tch..!" he clicked his tongue. "I cannot stay here, I will come back with reinforcements. I must leave before I too succumb to the island's power," he said.

"You're..." Astolfo sighed, "really talkative today..." he muttered.

"I have promised to try my best at being less socially awkward," the assassin tried. "I will return to support you more, we will work on trying to find a means to clear up this singularity soon!"

"No hurry," Astolfo mewled. "Ngnh, my head feels clearer already..."

The redhead nodded, and then disappeared in a blur just like he'd appeared.

"Anyway, where were we?" he asked, turning to look at you once more.

You sat back, looked at the still raw steak, and then back at Astolfo. "You were about to suck me off."

"Oh! Right! Silly me!" Astolfo giggled, and then with wobbly legs himself, crawled towards you, and began to have his own meaty feast, giving you untold pleasure through the night until the highly heat resistant meat of the dragon was finally thoroughly cooked... he was distracting enough in his efforts that it was even a little overdone.