Another Day, Another Threat (Patreon)

Portland has been awash in in sunshine, I’ve been biking to work without a coat, I should be fucking stoked, but instead… Dang guys.



Like, I’m a queer woman who talks about sex on the internet. Obviously I get a good amount of public punishment for the kind of work I’ve chosen to do. Over the years with the help of an awesome therapist and life-changing medication I’ve come to a point where I can mostly keep on functioning parallel to the vitriol that’s thrown in my face, but more frequently than not it really just… fucking wears me down. Makes me tired.

There was a kid recently who was publicly proclaiming how much they wanted to beat the shit out of me. This isn’t anything particularly noteworthy and I never felt like I was in actual danger, but what set this threat apart was the fact that they were writing from an account with their real name and their profile announced not only what college they’re attending, but what department they’re in.

I hate that people can say the most awful garbage online and just get away with it, there are absolutely no consequences. They can let off steam for a couple minutes and then move on with their life, while the recipient has to carry around the worry of wondering if this is the one who’s serious, the one who’ll take action to follow through. Or, even if it’s not a threat of violence, the act of being a single person who has to take on a hundred awful barbs each day from a hundred sad and angry people is just not healthy, it’s bad for the soul.

So, here we go. For once, a harasser had given me the perfect opportunity to show them that making threats online can actually have real life consequences. My studio has a working relationship with this school and that department in particular, I have connections to actual adults who are in charge of students over there. Matt and I wrote up a draft email informing them about their student’s behavior and specifically requested that they not be punished, but that they should be made aware that they’re not only poorly representing their school but that it is just plain stupid to go around threatening people in the same career field you’re hoping to enter.

But then…

We considered it really carefully.

We decided not to contact their school.

So let’s say we contacted their school and the school had a “stop being a fucking moron” talk with them— or, hypothetically, what if the school actually felt their behavior warranted a reprimand or an expulsion?— what happens next? That kid goes on social media and tells the world "MONSTER ERIKA MOEN VINDICTIVELY JEOPARDIZES MY EDUCATION BECAUSE I SPOKE OUT AGAINST HER EVIL-DOINGS” and then a hundred other kids who want to feel like they’re fighting the evils of the world signal boost it and amplify it and then… It’s a fucking mess. A stupid fucking mess that incites even more harassment in my life.

I thought about the essay Zoe Quinn had written recently about why she was dropping the harassment charges against her abusive ex-boyfriend. She explained that every time she tried to use the legal system to protect herself, it initiated a new onslaught of abuse. It’s completely backwards. Doing the “right” thing only stoked the flames of the misguided and hateful, dropping it will (hopefully) make her life a little easier.

So, that’s what I’m thinking about: the unfair reality that speaking up when you’re harassed will only make your situation worse. That kid may think I’m horrible but they have no idea how benevolent I've been and how much administrative trouble I saved them from by not reporting them to their school. 

Even if you think someone is truly awful and deserves your public condemnation, remember to treat them the way you want to be treated too.