What happened in the previous months/過去幾個月發生的事情 (Patreon)

Before I discuss the unfortunate events of the last couple of months, thank you for your continuous support and attention; I wouldn't have survived this far without your help.

A toxic thought has been haunting me for years. I don't know how to describe it adequately. The wound of my pride and the sorrow for my future perspective may have crashed my spirit.

Before graduation, I was a typical, pretentious man who thought spending all my time learning would give me a bright future. I've grown too confident in my skills, which has blinded my judgment to the point that I've called the previous me a maniac. I look down at my classmate, who shows no passion in their field of choice, and those who play through their college. I even pushed away some friends and teachers who helped me then; I feel sorry for being a jerk who only regards the diligence and prowess of skill and ignoring the good nature of the people around me.

The coronavirus struck right after I got the paper, and I needed to find a job then. Unfortunately, I spent a long time at home, hoping a company would be interested in my resume, but nothing worked out. That's when I started building my Patreon channel and Pornhub. I still remember how awkward it is to apply for a visa to pass the identity check on PH, unlike others, usually for traveling abroad.

For the first year, I spent all my energy trying to make it as appealing as possible. However, I failed drastically in my incompetence, so I paid for the savings I had accumulated during college and high school, and watching the number go down was nervous. It often made me doubt my skills and my choice of making.

But after the first few <Lunar Soul> releases, the outcome was very satisfying, and the joy exceeded since I'd waited a long time for a small success. Yesteryear, I finally started to have some income to afford my daily expenses and rent. But the times of happiness don't last long.

I've attended some student reunions where everyone talks about their jobs and lives, and I never dared to speak about my work and experience as I've earned less than the minimum wage for years, which seals my mouth. Many of my classmates are now engineers in various fields and engaged; I remain at the starting point despite being 26 this year.

Sometimes, I've wondered, can I continue working on the animation until I'm old without a pension and government subsidies? What if an accident happens? Can I do something to deal with it? And if I need to find a job, can I provide proof of work experience? The more I dwell on these questions, the more disappointed I become and the more hatred I grow for myself. Sometimes, I don't want to look at the man in front of the mirror who hurt me deeply.

I've lost all hope that my life could be better until I don't want to do anything but stay in my room, playing video games by day and sobbing to sleep at night. I stopped working on the channel for a long time and could barely conjure any will to open media platforms, reply to messages, or go outdoors.

A confidant of mine has seen enough of my downfall, so he helped me find a job with content relatively similar to what I've been doing for a long time. After the interview, I got the position and moved to another foreign place. It's been almost two weeks since I started working, and it's a decent one; everything happens so fast in the blink of an eye.

Many of you expressed concern and regard for my health when I was in disarray. Whenever I think there's no hope and only misfortune left, I'm mistaken because I'm very fortunate to have you all. I may not know any of you in real life, but I'm in deep debt to you, and I hope you'll have a wonderful life. Even when obstacles come, you'll not falter like I had. I'll be here and blessed for you.

And you are the motivation for me to continue to produce one animation after another.

Now, with my sad story concluded. The next episode of Lunar Soul will be released soon. Please stay tuned and wait for more shows.

在我討論過去幾個月發生的不幸事件之前，感謝你們一直以來的支持和關注；沒有你們的幫助，我不可能活到現在。

多年來，一種有毒的想法一直困擾著我。我不知道該如何描述它。自尊心的傷痛和對未來前景的悲哀可能導致我精神面臨崩潰。

畢業前，我是一個典型的自命不凡的人，以為把所有的時間都花在學習上就會有一個光明的未來。我對自己的能力有著過剩的自信，蒙蔽了我的判斷力，現在的我還可能稱之前的我是個瘋子。我看不起我當時的同學，尤其是對自己的專業毫無熱情的，和那些在大學裡玩物喪志的人。我什至推開了當時幫助我的一些朋友和老師；我把勤奮和技能看得太重了，導致錯看了周遭人善良本性，我對自己混蛋的理念感到遺憾。

再拿到畢業證書後，冠狀病毒就來了，然後我那時候需要找一份工作。不幸的是，我在家裡待了很長時間，希望能有一家公司對我的簡歷感興趣，但都沒有成功。就在那時，我開始建立自己的Patreon頻道和Pornhub。我還記得去申請簽證就為了通過PH的身份檢查是多麼尷尬的一件事，不像其他人，通常都是出國旅行才辦的。

第一年，我把所有的時間全都花在了前期出的動畫上面，試圖把它弄得很引人注目。然而，我在無休止力的情況下大敗而歸，因此我掏出了大學和高中期間積累的積蓄繼續拚下去，但看著數字每日不斷下降，我的心情也跟著忐忑不安。這常常讓我懷疑自己的能力，還有做出的選擇。

但經過前幾次<月靈>的發行，結果非常令人滿意。大約在去年的這個時間點左右，我終於開始有了一些收入，可以支付日常開支和租房。但幸福的時光並不長久。

我參加了一些同學聚會，大家都在談論自己的工作和生活，而我從來不敢談論自己的工作和經歷，因為多年來我的收入一直低於最低工資標準。許多同學現在都是了不起的工程師，或從事著各行各業的工作；而我雖然今年已經26歲了，卻依然停留在起點上。

有時候我會不斷地思索著，如果沒有退休金和政府補貼，我可以繼續做動畫到老嗎？如果發生意外怎麼辦？我可以做點什麼來應對嗎？如果我需要找工作，我可以提供工作經驗證明嗎？我越想這些問題，就越失望，對自己也越恨。有時候，我不想看鏡子前那個深深傷害我的人。

我已經失去了對生活的希望，直到我什麼都沒有嘗試，只在待房間裡醒來後，白天打遊戲，晚上抽泣著入睡。我已經很久沒有在頻道上下功夫了，幾乎連打開媒體平台、回复資訊或戶外活動的願望都沒有。

我的一個知己看夠了我的落魄，於是幫我找到了一份工作，內容和我長期從事的工作比較相似。面試後，我得到了這個職位，並搬到了另一個地點。工作快兩週了，還算有模有樣，轉眼間一切都發生得太快了。

在我狼狽不堪的時候，你們很多人都對我的健康表示了關心和關懷。每當我覺得沒有希望，只剩下不幸的時候，我就錯了，因為我很幸運能夠擁有你們。也許在現實中生活中我不認識你們中的任何一個，但我對你們有深深的虧欠，我希望你們有一個美好的人生。即使遇到困難，你們也不會像我一樣動搖。我會在這裡為你祝福。

你們是我繼續製作一部又一部動畫的動力。

現在，我悲傷的故事結束了。《月魂》的下一集即將推出。有更多期待精彩的節目。