Abigail's Real Life Chronicles 5 (Patreon)

So I had my date today with "Delphine"... Let me explain how it went

10:01 - I see her for the first time, and she looked like Delphine ate Thea, Alexandra AND Victoria. And then she ate a baby. And a dog. And a milkshake. I got nothing against fat girls, but don't post pictures where you look thin and healthy and young when you are clearly not. I know what I like, I like thin girls.

10:02 - I heard her voice. My tinnitus triple.

10:03 - We start walking and she had to walk slowly because of an "injury" to her fucking foot. She told me she was "Top Shape" (Québecois say this sometime) which mean she is physically ready for anything, the day before.

10:04 - Since we were talking about feet and I was starting to already hate this date, I just went for it and told her that I love feet and it would be my pleasure to rub them. She told me SHE DOESN'T LIKE FEET. She don't want to play with them, and she don't want me to play with hers. The date was already over in my mind.

10:05 - She tells me she will live with her boyfriend for at least 2-3 months (This means 2-3 years). So I could never go to her house, meet her friends, see her ex, because she doesn't want to tell people she is "bisexual" or whatever. She is shy about telling people whe likes pussy. It's fuckin 2037 or something COMON BITCH.

10:08 - After 3 minutes of really awkward silence, she asked if we are still going to the same restaurant I offered yesterday, which happens to be both our favorite restaurant. Cute right? No. That restaurant speciality is RIBS. When you go there, you need to eat ribs. Ribs and chicken, Ribs and shit, Ribs and whatever, no matter what you eat, you need some of those delicious ribs. The bitch is like: "No I only eat the same thing, the shit-fuck plate or whatever" (I wasn't really listening to her anymore because I was only thinking about them fuckin ribs). So I told her: "Today you gon get some ribs!!" And she fuckin told me that she wouldn't. At this point I already was in "I'm going to hurt her" territory so I tried to change the subject.

10:10 - I asked her about her sex life with her boyfriend. It was one of the saddest conversation I ever had with a girl. She was like Vanilla-VANILLA. Not even ice cream... Just the disgusting spice. Her sex life was the boringest thing ever. At this point the only thing keeping me there was her boobs. They were amazing.

10:15 - I text my friend and told her to call me in 5 minutes with an emergency.

10:20 - My friend calls, she (like a pro) was like: "Abigail... Your mother is at the hospital!!!"

10:25 - Back in my car, I get the fuck out of there. I go see my friends and I smoke hashish with them and we laughed at my horrible date. My friends are a heterosexual couple so they don't know how weird lesbians are. Well they know I'm weird.

So there you go, I sabotaged my date because of ribs. Don't judge me.