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A/N: Tony arrives at the scene of the crime, like some sort of gritty noir detective.

-x-X-x-

For much of his life, Tony had embodied the two-word phrase ‘fashionably late’. He was Tony fucking Stark after all, the party couldn’t start until he showed up anyways. Everyone had to dance to his tune, and he always had to make some sort of entrance, so of course everyone had to already be there waiting for him.

Since traveling back in time, Tony Stark hadn’t been late to anything important. In fact, in many instances he’d been early… so early that he neutralized threats before they could become threats. He hadn’t dropped the ball for anything, and he’d inserted himself into a number of situations that he hadn’t even been involved in the last time around, simply to handle them his way and ultimately minimize the damage that would have been done otherwise.

For the first time in eight years, Tony Stark was undeniably late to the party. As he and one other arrives on Nidavellir with the help of Heimdall and the Bifrost, the fighting is already over, the attack repelled, and the cleanup already begun. Despite being dressed for battle in Vibranium Nanotech Armor, there’s no fighting to be had. Looking around, it’s undeniable that this was an attack by Thanos, but also that it’s long over.

Not only does Tony recognize the four-armed alien corpses scattered all over the place from the footage he’d watched of the attack on Wakanda, but he also recognizes the massive corpse of Cull Obsidian that Thor is currently stood atop of. The Child of Thanos’ blood is splattered across Asgard’s Crown Prince, as well as Mjolnir’s head. Cull is very, very dead.

Noticing Tony, Thor brightens up for a moment… before blanching a little bit at who Tony has brought with him. Standing at Tony’s side is Loki, Goddess of Mischief. She’d demanded to come along, having been rather close by when he’d received word of the attack on Nidavellir. Not wanting to argue about why she shouldn’t, Tony hadn’t fought very hard. She was only a month pregnant at this point anyways, and as he’d suspected… the fighting was already over, frustrating as that was.

As Thor hops down from Cull Obsidian’s corpse and begins to approach them, Odin does the same from nearby where the Asgardian King had been talking to some of Nidavellir’s natives, the dwarves. The All-Father’s jaw is clenched and he looks weary, and not just because of Loki’s presence.

“King Stark… daughter.”

Loki bristles at that, but Tony just holds up a hand and cuts off whatever outburst she might have.

“What’s the situation here, exactly?”

If Odin is upset by Tony’s demanding tone, he doesn’t show it. Instead, clinging to Gungnir, the King of Asgard just sighs.

“Thanos has attacked Nidavellir, just as you foresaw. However, he could not hold the Dwarven Realm, not with the Asgardian Garrison here, not with the Dwarves forewarned. We arrived with the first of Asgard’s armies within just a few minutes of the alarm being sent out and slaughtered the attackers, pushing them back.”

Tony’s lips thin, because he can hear that that’s not all. After a moment of silence in which both Thor and Loki get tense, Odin finally lets out a sigh.

“… However, it’s become clear that this was no attempt at conquering Nidavellir. This was not meant to be a battle for control of the Dwarven Realm… but a raid for the most precious resource it has to offer, a resource that can only be found on Nidavellir.”

Odin falls silent and Tony says it for him with a sharp nod of his head.

“Dwarves.”

Nodding back, the All-Father frowns, looking off into the distance at the blazing neutron star in the center of the Dwarven Realm. After the silence extends too long for Tony’s liking, he grits his teeth, somewhat impatient.

“What’s the damage, exactly? How many and who did they make off with?”

Frowning even harder, Odin turns his one eye back to Tony.

“Not many. A dozen at most, from our count. But… among them was the best that the Dwarves have to offer. Their King, Eitri.”

Tony curses up a storm at that, holding back the urge to break something as his hands ball into fists. Which is when Thor rather foolishly interjects.

“Does it matter? King Eitri is a master smith to be sure, and the best forge-master the dwarves have ever had… but even he is nothing without the right tools, right? They took some dwarves, but they do not have Nidavellir. Can they craft what they want without it?”

Thor… Tony liked his ‘Shield-Bro’ quite a lot. In fact, he had a much better relationship with the Prince of Asgard this time around than he’d had last time around, truth be told. And yet… sometimes the thousand year old God of Thunder could still be so damn obtuse about things. Fortunately, Tony doesn’t have to be the bad guy. Odin steps in to do it for him.

“Thor, my son… tell me, what IS Nidavellir, exactly?”

Brow furrowing in confusion, Thor thinks for a second before shrugging helplessly.

“The home of the dwarves and one of the Nine Realms?”

A sudden gasp of understanding from Loki cuts off whatever Odin’s response might have been to that inadequate answer. All eyes turn towards the paling Goddess of Mischief.

“Brother, you’re an idiot. The answer he was looking for was a lot more technical. Nidavellir is a neutron star orbited by a multi-ringed megastructure. The neutron star being what the dwarves use to smelt all of their finest creations. But the key phrase there is ‘A Neutron Star’, isn’t it?”

Finally, Thor begins to understand.

“You’re saying that Thanos might have found another neutron star and built a forge around it so he could force King Eitri to do his bidding there instead of here! But… surely the Dwarf King won’t break so easily!”

Tony huffs, stepping in again now that they’re all on the same terrible page.

“I’m not going to wait around and find out. I’m going to assume since you and the armies of Asgard are here that you weren’t able to track Thanos’ forces back to wherever the big purple thumb is hiding, right?”

Looking visibly pained, Odin shakes his head with a grimace. But Tony doesn’t let that get him down. Instead, he just claps his hands together sharply.

“Right then! The hard way it is. First… the Tesseract. Time for that favor, All-Father.”

To his credit, Odin doesn’t even try to argue and when Thor sees how quickly his father gives in, he doesn’t say a word either. In short order, the four of them are back on Asgard marching down towards Odin’s Vault in complete silence… well, almost complete silence. Tony and Odin, up front, are both silent. But Thor and Loki in the back…

“You look well, sister. I-!”

“I’m pregnant. Stark knocked me up.”

Through hidden Vibranium Nanites that blanket much of the Golden Realm at this point thanks to JARVIS’ need to keep a constant eye on Tony’s half-Asgardian daughter Kara, Tony is treated to the sight of Thor looking absolutely gobsmacked in the face of Loki’s revelation. Not that the Goddess of Mischief is done or anything.

“Oh, and so is Hela. He’s impregnated us both. You would know that if you ever visited, but you and Hela still haven’t even met. Why is that?”

“I… merely wished to give our older sister her space. As the Crown Prince of Asgard, I knew I would be something of a hot button issue for her, as the Midgardians put it. Idid not want to get in the way of her recovery and potential redemption!”

Honestly rather fair. Judging by the way Loki falls silent and looks somewhat mulish, she’s having a hard time finding issue with Thor’s words. And before the Silvertongue can find a cutting reply to throw back at him, he turns the tables on her most effectively… by reaching over and clapping her shoulder with a broad grin.

“Congratulations by the way, sister! And give Hela the same as well, if you think she is ready to hear it from me! I am quite happy for you both! Ah… this is perfect…”

Loki sputters a bit.

“Wha- what do you mean, perfect?!”

Thor, still beaming, faces forward again but continues talking.

“Our children will be of age with each other! They can be playmates!”

“WHAT?!”

“Ah, yes! You know of the fine Lady Jane Foster, correct? Well, after my Shield-Brother helped us out by enhancing Lady Jane’s physical nature so that she could more easily handle my own robust nature, we grew even more enamored with one another. She too is pregnant right now!”

In the face of Loki’s gobsmacked silence, Thor has a soft smile on his face.

“Tis good that even in the darkest of times, there are moments of light like these, no?”

But then he turns solemn and serious.

“… All the more important that we fight for it with our every breath.”

Throughout all of this, the four of them have kept walking. Odin hasn’t reacted visible in any way to the conversation taking place behind them, but then neither has Tony. Given Heimdall was Heimdall, Tony had figured news of his relations with Odin’s daughters had long reached the All-Father’s ears… hopefully in a more sanitized form. And yes, Tony had indeed given Jane Foster ES3 so she could hold her own with Thor, and to see if it would keep their relationship from deteriorating like it did the first time around.

To be fair, there were a hundred factors that could have explained why their relationship hadn’t deteriorated like it had in the original timeline, dozens of which Tony was responsible for or involved with. At the end of the day, Thor and Jane were still a couple and did in fact have a baby on the way.

Arriving outside of Odin’s Vault before Loki can finish bluescreening from Thor’s own bombshell reveal, Tony waits impatiently as the All-Father grants them access and leads them inside. Finally, they come to the Tesseract. Not bothering to wait for permission, Tony reaches out and tendrils of the Aether lash onto the Space Stone’s casing, yanking it off of it’s pedestal and into his outstretched hand.

With a flex of his Vibranium-laced fingers and decidedly inhuman strength, Tony cracks open the Tesseract, shattering the casing and revealing the Infinity Stone hidden inside.

He could have claimed this ages ago, he knew. Maybe he should have. Given what was happening right now, Tony found himself second guessing his ‘take it slow’ approach a whole lot more. But no matter. He wouldn’t let himself get bogged down in regrets, not this close to the finish line.

The Space Stone drops from the shattered remnants of the Cube and into his palm as the casing falls to the ground in a bunch of little pieces. In response, Tony’s palm opens up and sucks the Infinity Stone right into it, the glowing blue gem traveling up his arm and into his body proper.

Immediately, Tony grunts and drops to a knee. The energy requirements for two Infinity Stones is not additive, nor does he think it’s multiplicative. Rather, it feels more exponential than anything, and he can already tell he didn’t bring enough Arc Reactors to sustain both stones forever… and that was with deciding to double up on the Vibranium Arc Reactors he held within his body before arriving on Nidavellir.

“Stark King? Are you well? Can you hear my voice?”

Odin’s tone is one of carefully controlled panic, even as Tony chuckles and slowly pushes himself to his feet, swaying from side to side for a moment before getting himself under control.

“I’m… fine. For now.”

Both Thor and Loki are looking at him with far more open worry on their faces than their father is.

“You don’t look fine, Stark. You look like you’re killing yourself trying to house two Infinity Stones at once.”

“My sister is right, Shield-Bro. Perhaps you should entrust the Space Stone to the hands of another before it proves to be your undoing.”

Loki scoffs at Thor’s suggestion.

“And who would he entrust, hm? You?”

“Actually sister, I was thinking you.”

That causes the Goddess of Mischief to fall silent, her eyes wide in surprise at Thor’s idea. But Tony shuts down any aspirations right there on the spot with a single shake of his head.

“No. I’ll be fine. Just have to… get a better power source. Besides, you’re pregnant Loki. Not about to find out how trying to wield an Infinity Stone might affect the life growing inside of you.”

Loki’s green eyes narrow at that, clearly trying to figure out what ‘better power source he could be talking about. But Tony just offers her a wry grin.

“Get back to Earth, let JARVIS know I’ll be there soon and that it’s time to get Doctor Strange and the Sorcerers on board whether he and they are ready or not. I’ll join you soon.”

Technically Tony was letting JARVIS know because JARVIS was watching all of this through the aforementioned invisible nanites that had infested Asgard. But this way they had plausible deniability and didn’t piss off their greatest ally on the eve of the final battle. Loki doesn’t know that though.

The Goddess of Mischief and latest future mother of one of his children opens her mouth to respond to his words… but it’s too late. Tony has already opened a swirling portal of black and blue darkness behind him and is stepping back through it. It closes before anyone in the Asgardian Royal Family can even think to react.

Finding himself suddenly alone, Tony drops against the nearest wall, no longer having to pretend strength. Housing Reality and Space is decidedly more taxing than he would have preferred, and that was half the reason he’d never taken the Tesseract for himself before now. The other half was what he would have had to do in order to properly utilize Space and Reality at the same time.

Alarms sound as Tony, still leaning against the wall, lets the Aether snake out of him and reach across the floor of the high security alien vault he finds himself in. Not nearly secure enough, but to be fair… the people of Xandar just weren’t ready for him. As the safe in the wall is systematically dismantled so Tony can get at the Infinity Stone hidden within it, the doors to the vault finally cycle open, allowing a group of security guards to rush in and point their guns at him.

“GET ON THE GROUND! IDENTIFY YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY!”

Tony smiles tiredly and shakes his head. Call it the delirium if you will, call it the simple novelty of knowing they wouldn’t recognize him… but he answers them even as he refuses to follow their first command.

“No can do, sorry. Need the Power Stone to kill a genocidal warlord. As for who I am… I’m Tony Stark. You wouldn’t-!”

Before he can finish saying the words ‘know me’, the security guards all gape at him in disbelief, and their leader cuts him off with an incredulous look on his face.

“What?! Tony Stark?! Why the fuck is the King of Terra trying to rob the high security vault?!”

… What? Oh. Oh, he and Odin were going to have WORDS one of these days.

-x-X-x-

A/N: Poor Tony, he really thought there was no way anyone would recognize him all the way out here in the space-boonies!

Comments

Phraxius

Hah, seeme like everyone but Earth knows Tony is the King of Earth.

d3235

“King Eitri is a master smith to be surge”. Think it should be sure

Colin Peden

So, Tony is going to be an uncle to Thor's kid. Awesome! So when are we going to see Tony get called Midgard's Merchant of Death King? Mix his 2 titles together and watch him start giving out fireworks over that idiotic, but hilarious, title.