The Gloves Come Off (Patreon)

     Have you heard about this? There's a petition--somewhere--to move Halloween to the last Saturday in October. Always one to avoid hyperbole, let me simply say that the very idea of moving any holiday, particularly one as profound as Halloween, is pure, incomprehensible madness on a scale never before witnessed in the infinite and unknowable histories of the Multiverse. It is pure folly. Just ask Franklin Roosevelt. --Oh, wait, you can't. He's dead. A coincidence? I think not.

     The reasoning behind the proposition is clear: Having Halloween fall on a Saturday would guarantee there would be no school or work the next day, thus freeing  children to trick-or-treat late into the night, and adults to indulge their carnal expression of the holiday even later. But in reality, kids today start trick-or-treating before dark. Hard to believe (and unnatural, I think; it's Halloween, for frig's sake, what's spooky about trick-or-treating in daylight?), but true. So they're not up too late on a school night, anyway. And the adults? They can do their partying whenever they like; there's no need to move the holiday to the last Saturday in order to party on that night.

     On the other side, moving the day would shave off up to a week of the season, depending on the calendar, and that would be a real loss to those of us who look forward to the season all year.

     But there is a potential solution. "Halloween"  (as I'm sure you're all aware) is a corruption of "All Hallow's Eve", in reference to All Hallows Day, or All Soul's Day, November 1st. If November 1st were declared a holiday, school and work the day after Halloween would no longer be an issue, and the season would not have to be cut short. Just a humble suggestion, from a humble man.

     Let's get it done, people.