Abbey Beseeches Paris (Patreon)

      I admit it, spiders are a semi-phobia for me. Not all spiders. We have quite a few of the spindly-legged house spiders commonly mislabeled as daddy long-legs around the house, and I actually try to help feed those guys. We also have a lot of jumping spiders in this area, and those little fellas are downright cute. If you recall, a jumping spider was my original design inspiration for Bob.      

     But then there are.. every other fucking kinds of spiders on the planet.      

     Take black widows (please!) for example. We have a freakish number of them around here--and not in little crawlspaces and under wood piles like they're supposed to be. Just out in the open, like they're giving the world the finger. Here's a fun little on-topic anecdote (and Scott, this is one of the stories I mentioned but forgot to relate to you): One Thursday night, not long after moving into the house where we currently live, I decided to take the garbage down to the curb.  I work at night, so that meant it was dark out. Our front door is actually on the side of the house, near the back, lined with trees that block out light from the neighbors and the street out front. Not to mention, our porch light doesn't work, so, y'know, dark. So I'm rolling the garbage can down the walk, oblivious of Death lubing up his fist for my poop chute, when I happened to notice, just a few feet ahead of me, a patch of street light visible through a gap in the leaves. And at the center of that patch of light, exactly at face level, sat a  black widow, just waiting there. If not for that patch of light, and the fact that I happened to glance up at that moment, I would have walked right into it. I WOULD HAVE HAD A FUCKING BLACK WIDOW SPIDER ON MY FACE. And it gets weirder. After regaining control of my bodily functions, I went back into the house and returned with a flashlight. That bastard of a spider had spun a single line of web from the tree to the pavement of the walkway. It wasn't a complete web; it could never have caught anything in it. It just spun that one strand, and waited there, at face level. Tell me I shouldn't be afraid of those mother fuckers.