Delivery Teaser: THAB Employee Guide, Page 65 (Patreon)

(For Halloween, based off that one illustrated how-to guide that always pops up on social media every October 31st.)

THAB EMPLOYEE GUIDE, PG 65:

What To Do Should You Find Yourself Buried Alive (For Non-Coffin Burials, see pg. 68)

Premature burial isn’t a common happenstance on the job, but a THAB employee knows to be ready for anything! Should you find yourself buried alive, THAB recommends the following steps:

STEP ONE: Don’t panic! Panicking means deeper breaths and air is now in now in limited supply, leaving you with approximately an hour until you asphyxiate. The only caveat is if you’re a member of a species that doesn’t require oxygen, in which case hyperventilate away! (For a comprehensive list of non-breathing species, see pg. 112. For non-breathing subspecies, see pg. 114.)

STEP TWO: Contact your handler. If you’ve been following proper THAB procedure, you should still be in possession of your work phone. Our patented quantum internet reaches underground, so simply press Emergency Button Nine and your handler will send a retrieval team for your body within the next four hours (Tuesdays excluded).

If you are not in possession of your work phone, please review the introductory portion of this text on pg. 2 entitled “Courier Basics.” Couriers buried alive without their work phones may face disciplinary action.

STEP THREE: If it’s a Tuesday (or if you’ve neglected to keep ahold of your work phone, see pg. 2), the next step is to determine what type of coffin you’re buried in. Lucky for you, most vampires prefer to bury their spawn in biodegradable pine boxes due to vampire culture’s focus on both environmentalism and tradition. Standard-issue spawn coffins can be easily escaped from and are recognizable by their pale wood grain and interior blood stains.

Couriers turned into vampire spawn without prior approval from HR may face disciplinary action.

If you are buried in a traditional pine box, continue to STEP FOUR.

For modern coffins, skip to STEP SEVEN.

STEP FOUR: If you are buried in a pine box, remove your THAB-issued jacket and zipper it around your head. This barrier over your mouth and nose will prevent suffocation from falling graveyard dirt. For Couriers with magic permits, remember that THAB requires a completed Form B27 before any spellcasting is approved. If you have not passed your magic exam, or have not filled out Form B27, you’ll need to use physical strength to escape. Bracing your fists against the top of the coffin, kick upwards to break through the pine lid.

Please note that drycleaning and repair fees for any damage done to the THAB employee uniform must be paid for by employee.

STEP FIVE: Once the coffin lid has splintered, push the falling dirt down towards your feet. Dig a trench around yourself, creating space to sit up. Remember: don’t panic! Try to think of this experience as a fun day at the beach. What kid hasn’t been buried in sand by their friends?

At THAB, we value our clients as cherished friends. Even when they bury us alive.

STEP SIX: Crawl upwards towards the surface using a swimming motion. (Remember, this is a fun beach day! Your life is only as endangered as your mindset is weak.) Eventually, you’ll be able to crawl out of your grave.

(For negotiating with hostile vampires, go to pg. 23.)

If you are unable to escape the coffin, continue to STEP SEVEN.

STEP SEVEN:

Should you be unable to break out of the coffin for any reason, rap insistently on the coffin lid. A rescuer might hear you, or your buriers might become so annoyed that they dig you back up. Do not scream, unless you are a species listed on pgs. 112-114, as this will only use up your limited oxygen.

Whatever happens, don’t worry! When you don’t show up to work the next day, your handler will track your microchip to collect your body.

(For information on whether you qualify for THAB’s exclusive Next Life Program, see pg. 203.)