Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Hidden Dragon (Patreon)

Session 65:

Dear Diary,

Things are getting positively climactic! Or at least, that’s what I thought. Now I’m not so sure.

Here’s what happened. Fighter had finally confessed how much she loves RPing with me. (I know! I’m excited too, Diary!) We were trying out these knight/princess characters, and the RP had taken a turn into ERP territory. It’s had a tendency to do that of late, not that me or my “Longstrider” are complaining. (That thing can take A LOT of blows before it runs out of hp!)

Anyway Diary, I’m sure you know that knight/princess ships have a tendency to attract dragons. And sure enough my fair maiden’s fair snatch was snatched most unfairly from my loving embrace.

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably thinking, I know this plot! It’s a tale as old as time! Hideous monster kidnaps princess. Knight sets out to rescue her. Knight arrives in the nick of time, saves lady love, etc. etc. It’s not exactly novel, but it was our turn to do the story. That made it special. That made it exciting. But then the story got away from me.

I was busy with a solo scene, rushing towards the dragon’s lair and concentrating on my internal monologue, when this bizarre horse-themed superhero character butts in. I’d only ever met the guy at one of the group holiday events, and we had never so much as shared a scene together before. But here he is suddenly, all excited to go and “rescue our princesses” together. Meanwhile I’m sitting there like, “Dude! We’re trying to have an homage to classic fairy tale adventure here. Why are you bringing all these weird genre mashup flavors to our high fantasy romance?” But then he’s all like, “Don’t worry. We can make it work.” And because I’m too nice for my own good, and because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I said that would be OK.

I dared to hope that things would work out. Fighter had managed to get a decent “pining for our heroes” scene out of Elf Princess (the same one who had that hostage situation with Quiz a few months back). Me and Horsepower were all set up to go in for the rescue. And that’s when disaster struck.

I’m still not sure I understand Horsepower’s character concept, but apparently he’s not just a horse-themed superhero. He kept assuring me that his guy was a humanoid, but then he described himself rearing up on his hind legs. He made bite and hoof attacks against the dragon. He actually asked me to ride him, and I’ve never come so close to noping out of RP. It’s not that I object to the kinky stuff, but me and Fighter were definitely NOT going for that angle. And so, despite all the promises, my knight-rescues-princess story got hijacked by horse weirdness!

Of course Fighter is being her usual awesome self. She “yes, anded” like a champ and let herself get rescued by the horse jerk. Unfortunately, that means I’m now stuck with Elf Princess for the foreseeable future. I can tell that we’re angling for some mistaken identity shenanigans, but I have zero interest in that kind of storyline. I just want Fighter back! Just thinking about her makes me… Well, it makes ol’ Longstrider eager to get back to the ERP. At least Elf Princess is willing! It’s just not the same though.

Pray for me, Diary! I’d wanted my simple, classical happily ever after. Now there are reversals and complexities and branching storylines, and I don’t think I’m good enough to keep it all straight.

Despairingly yours,

—Ranger