Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Very Animate (Patreon)

We all know the dangers of statuary. In a world of animated objects, living rooms, and a lurking constructs, almost anything can leap to attack your hit points. Lesser known are the animated jerks that want to attack your virtue.

• Animated Amour: These painted dandies were first crafted by the enterprising gnomish madam Guyvhed Gobblegrace. Unfortunately, they were too single-minded in their purpose. Though they proved popular for a time among the more adventurous set of the kingdom’s noblewomen, they have since broken free of The Gilded Gearbox and gone into business “pro bono.”
• Clay Body Paint: The Mud Pits of Umph were once famed for their rejuvenating properties. Thanks to the gentle, pulsing, rhythmic weight of these elemental upwellings, they were also quite popular as a site for romantic rendezvous. Unfortunately, one such ‘upwelling’ came not from the pits, but from a visiting wild mage. Such was the power of her wild surge that the Pits were forever charged with their magic, and now seek out similar sources of erotic energy…usually involving their “engulf” attack.
• Juggsernaut: Anthropologists posit that these fertility idols were the handiwork of ancient stone giants. The prevailing theory is that bands of so called “bachelor” groups created them as a self-soothing aid when unable to join with larger tribes. The crushed giant bones beneath the magnificently endowed statues offer proof of this theory, as well as the axiom that ‘bigger is not always better.’
• Fresh Golem: More of a dungeon hazard than a true construct, fresh golems are known to congregate upon corridor walls in narrow passageways. Taking the form of life sized bas-reliefs, these handsy artworks alternate between the “goose,” “spank,” and “grope” combat maneuvers.
• Helmed Whore: In ancient Concupiscia, helmed whores were a public utility. As tireless constructs, they often outlived their creators, and pursued their final directives for eternity. Most were created to service specific bordellos, but occasionally they were given special tasks requiring exotic attachments and circuitous routes through the ancient capital.
• Rug of Humping: You’ll wish it only smothered you. O_o