Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Tit for Tat (Patreon)

The exposition rolled forth in a wave. It welled from a throat made to swallow souls. It splashed across the same sharp canines that once smiled a coquette's courtesy to Demogorgon. It flowed across lips stained by baatezu blood wine. And its course was measured out by a tongue that was both forked and (thanks to an uncommonly high Perception check) appeared to be disconcertingly sandpapery.

Succubus goggled. It was like watching an angel try to curse. It shouldn’t be allowed, but it just kept on coming.

“...And that’s when I told them that I was on a juice cleanse. I didn’t have to eat any unicorn, but not crying was super hard. The poor thing smelled like cupcakes and sadness, and I’m pretty sure that it was looking at me. Then there was that whole “Lead the Armies of Hell” debacle. It’s super hard to describe (at least not in a way that’s easy to draw), but by the time we got to the Pearly Gates my military advisors were totally suspicious. I thought they were going to coup me good, so I closed my eyes and wished real hard that General Balor and his pals would just go away. I guess they felt sorry for me on account of all the screaming and flailing, ‘cause when I opened my eyes there was just this big smoking hole in the ground, and I haven’t had to deal with them since. But I just know that all the lesser demons want to turn me into Meow Mix, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending, and I really miss Quiz and want her to scratch my ears!”

The hated face of her rival looked up with trembling lips and quivering chin. “Yeah, wow. That’s a lot,” said Succubus.

“I know!” moaned Her Majesty, Queen Scratchypaws of the Demonweb Pits.

“So like, can I get that gold star?”

The lantern eyes of the queen of fiends leaked blackness and ichor. “HELP ME!” wailed the sobbing wreck of a god-like entity.

Succubus smiled.

“I require a small favor first,” Succubus said.

“Oh, sure! Can I give you bangs this time?

“Oh, on the contrary! I was hoping to give you a makeover.”

And because Her Majesty, Queen Scratchypaws of the Demonweb Pits possessed the same number of Sense Motive ranks as Antipaladin, she smiled faintly. “I’m glad we’re friends,” she said.

“Me too,” said Succubus. But there was nothing friendly in her expression.