Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Touchy (Patreon)

This is why you raise your kids on Disney movies. If only Thief had been exposed to Aladdin at an early age, she would understand what a bad idea it is to touch shiny, enticing things.

This topic has been on my mind lately on account of a recent run-in with an obviously trapped item. It was my Curse of the Crimson Throne game, and my players had come face to face with a tempting bit of loot. The description alone ought to make any adventurer suspicious: “A glass orb that swims with liquid amber light hangs from the ceiling fifteen feet above you on a delicate, ten-foot-long golden chain.” Being reasonable people with functioning brains, they asked a few questions about it. They used detect magic on it. Unfortunately, that was not enough. When that failed to detect anything, they concluded that it was probably safe. That stupid orb turned out to be a mundane trap filled with mundane poison (even if it happened to be very shiny poison). Once the glass shattered many saves were failed, and much Con was drained.

All I’m saying is to keep your guard up. Because the second you relax, the dungeon is always there to take advantage of you.

DEVIANT IOUN STONE

Source Into the Abyss

Aura strong transmutation; CL 12th;

Slot butt; Weight —

DESCRIPTION

This cursed item looks like any normal ioun stone, and has powers according to its color and shape. However, when the item is equipped the stone does not orbit the bearer’s head. Instead it emits a low hum, begins to vibrate, and teleports directly into the bearer’s rectum. This is a highly distracting event for a number of reasons, and imposes a -1 penalty on Perception and Dexterity-based checks. Furthermore, any other ioun stones that come within five feet of the afflicted character is similarly teleported (though they do not confer any of their normal benefits). For each additional ioun stone beyond the first, the penalties increase by 1 to a maximum of -6.

The only way to end the curse is to interfere with the magic of the stone (by using dispel magic, entering an antimagic field, and so on) or with the help of a third party (DC 15 Strength check). If this check succeeds, however, the afflicted creature becomes exhausted for a number of minutes equal to the number of ioun stones removed.