Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Short-Staffed (Patreon)

A shadowy corner of Evil House. A heavy curtain hangs on a shower rod, concealing the secluded armchair on the far side. NECROMANCER occupies the hot seat, illuminated by several dozen gently bobbing globes of light. A blue scrim illuminates the rear wall of the confessional.

NECROMANCER: Things have been different since the ritual. Like… bad different. Going in, I thought summoning an elder Evil would be this great bonding experience. It was fun at first. We got matching bathrobes, did some rehearsal chanting, foiled that tiefling girl’s escape attempt…  It’s good for roommates to do activities together, you know? But like, things went totally of the rails.

Necromancer’s perspective in BBEG’s Evil Chapel of Evil. We cannot understand Paladin’s dialogue as he shouts at us. The world is muted, reduced to a high-pitched whine in Necromancer’s ears. Camera drifts to the blinding light of the portal, loses focus, then snaps back to Fighter landing a haymaker on Paladin’s jaw, propelling him out of frame and us back into the confessional.

NECROMANCER: Honestly? I’m still processing my emotions

Cut to Witch, now occupying the confessional seat.

WITCH: Pfft. I’m glad that Antipaladin is out of Evil House. Sure his hit points were thicc with two C’s, but any one of us could charm a replacement ettin. And I guarantee that ettin would be twice as evil.

B-roll of Witch failing to dominate a succession of hill giants, ogre mages, and blue-haired Occultists.

WITCH: Believe me, we’re better off without him. Now that we’re three manning it, Brutus gets to be cutest animal in Evil House, Necromancer has more room for her crafts, and I don’t have to cast energy resistance: fire every time the clock strikes polycule o’clock.

Slow zoom on Witch’s face, tilting into a Dutch angle. Overlay soundtrack of energetic Evil Party coupling, culminating in the sound of high-pitched deflation.

Cut to Succubus, now in the confessional.

SUCCUBUS: There is a severe lack of sausage on the Evil Party pizza. The sex isn’t the problem though. I mean, it’s not the only problem.

Back in BBEG’s Evil Chapel of Evil. The magic linking Necromancer, Succubus, and Witch to the ritual flares, throwing all three across the room.

SUCCUBUS: Yeah, that sucked. But Antipaladin was the only mortal in this house who might have understood. The flow of evil into the Prime Material is off. It’s hard to explain. Like… you know how people talk about a sense of creeping dread? The smell of brimstone? Well these days Evil smells more like — I know this is going to sound stupid — It smells more like kitty litter. And that is super weirding me out.