Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Blasphe-ME! (Patreon)

Bard’s Big Fucking Bestiary: The Gods

As a class the gods defy easy generalization. The pantheons of Handbook-World are as diverse as the concepts they represent, embodying at once Kink and Vanilla, Sub and Dom, Slut and Prude. If you would petition for divine poon, you must therefore take the particular god’s portfolios into account. For this reason, I have taken the liberty of dividing this entry into subsections suitable to most deities. (If you happen to worship a deific abstraction, however, you’re on your own. Good luck figuring out how to make love to the concept of Justice or Prophecy or whatever.)

Seduction

The province of paladins, do-gooders, and self-righteous pricks of all descriptions, gods belonging to the Vanilla-Sub-Prude axes are noted for their diaphanous robes, runed halos, and harp-based theme music. Sinking into the waiting embrace of such a heavenly body is among the greatest quest rewards in the multiverse. But be warned: the phrase “quest rewards” is deliberate here. When it comes to communing with the incarnations of purity, there is always some great deed to be undertaken. Journeys through Hell are the traditional path for achieving very-personal enlightenment, but near-death experiences seem to be an increasingly popular choice. In all cases, you must expect to earn your proverbial seven minutes in heaven.

Love Making

Once you’ve gone through the devotional playbook, attracted divine notice, and found yourself ensconced in a perfumed bower beyond the hopes of men, you may notice some practical difficulties. In the first place, I advise you to refer back to “Chapter 4: Size Modifiers and You.” Many of the same considerations discussed in the Giants and Outsiders sections apply equally to the gods. However, you do have an additional advantage when it comes to a successful hallowed humpty hump.

Having pursued the bard’s art so far as to purchase this book, you have no doubt heard some of your partners cry out in ecstasy. If you’ve followed the advice contained in this tome to the letter, then at least one of them should have confessed to “seeing god” during the utmost heights of passion. This is no accidental phrasing. The gods can sense mortal rapture, and take a portion of that pleasure upon themselves.

In other words, a conjugal encounter with the divine is a spiritual experience as much as it is a physical one (and make no mistake: It will be very physical indeed). As you feel your soul scoured by the knowing gaze of One Who Sits Most on High, the purity of your spirit and your libido will manifest as a rolling wave of pleasure within your transmundane inamorato. You are therefore guaranteed to reach the summit of the Celestial Mount simultaneously with your partner. Try not to let your soul be seared to nothingness in the process..

Romance

As prosocial divinities, the ineffable beings of the Vanilla-Sub-Prude axes typically write out their preferences, distributing official dogma far and wide. This is highly convenient for the would-be wooer, as holy texts make practical guidebooks for the dos and don’ts of celestial courtship. All it takes is a bit of astute reading between the lines.

For example, the ever-popular commandment to “respect legitimate authority” is a thinly veiled reference to personal boundaries. Some deities only want to receive devotion two or three times a week, and you’ve got to learn to be OK with that. If he needs to have beer and playing-with-the-lives-of-mortals night with the fellas, being a clingy disciple won’t win you any divine favors (or sexual ones). By the same token, the oft-repeated “speak no word that is untrue” is all about trust. Any goddess that puts that one down in the in print has had her heart broken a time or two, and does not want her mortal suitors to keep making the same mistakes.