Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Un-Bugbearable (Patreon)

Dear Diary, 

Fighter never told me that she had an artifact! I mean, I knew her morning routine involved a magical doodad, but I had no idea how powerful it was! This thing is apparently called the Shears of the Norel Company, and it makes my best adamantine arrows look like vendor trash! Just check out the stats: 

“Shears of the Norel Company, Artifact — This pair of automatic shears comes with a number of odd attachments, and resembles nothing so much as a complicated gnomish toy. It is, however, the most powerful tool of personal grooming ever devised. Simply possessing the Shears confers an enhancement bonus to Charisma of +4. The Shears’ other powers vary by power setting. Turning the Shears’ dial to its lowest level allows the wielder to alter a humanoid’s hairstyle at will, functioning as either disguise self or disguise other. With the medium setting, the Shears change much more than hair, allowing the user to cast monstrous physique 1 up to three times per day. At its highest setting, the Shears alter the user’s form permanently. This functions as alter self, but the duration is permanent. This setting drains the Shears’ power for one week, rendering all powers except for the enhancement bonus inoperable for the duration.”

So yeah. This thing is powerful. And now, after a quick battery change, that power is mine to control! 

When I realized the tantalizing possibilities I was all like, “You mean I can make you anything?”

And Fighter was all, “Almost anything.” Then she muttered something under her breath about curses and ‘not changing the most important thing,’ but I was too excited to really pay attention. Let me tell you Diary, this is going to be absolutely huge for my sex life. I only have so much romantic experience after all. And even if Fighter and I enjoy a certain understanding, it takes time and energy to track down other significant others. 

You see, I love that Fighter is my anchor partner, but a girl can’t help but to be curious. The campaign world is wide, and there are all kinds of interesting humanoids to sample! Monstrous humanoids too for that matter…. 

Sow hat do you think, Diary? Should we meet firbolg Fighter first? We already know that she pulls fuzzy off so well. Or how about elf Fighter? We’ve RP’d the frail elf maiden in the brutish clutches of the big bad orc more than once, and it’s become something of a favoriate. Ooh! Or what about gargoyle Fighter? Finally my schoolgirl fantasies about Demona can come true! 

Just do me a favor and start thinking about it, OK Diary? I have an embarrassment of riches before me, and I feel like I need help deciding which delicacy to sample first!

Lasciviously yours, 

—Ranger