A State Of Sterling Update (Patreon)

Hi folks! It's been a while since I did a bit of a bloggy update. How are you? I hope you are well. Thank you as always for the continued support, whether you're a patron or a viewer/sharer of the work. It is very very appreciated. 

Also sorry, once again, for being bad at returning messages and whatnot. My ability to deal with correspondence, as well as other things, continues to be spotty. Suffice to say, the ol' ADHD is yet to be controlled, but we continue to work on it. As you might have been able to guess, it's a big reason why content production has slowed. Some of it is by choice - trying to work smarter, not harder - but there have been multiple instances where I've wanted to produce more work and found myself mentally unable. There's probably a bit of burnout there, too. 

While my ADHD is having A Moment, my other wonderful mental illnesses are on a pretty even keel. Since coming out, my mood has improved, my self esteem is ridiculously high compared to how much I used to loathe myself, I'm driven to lose weight and fully train as a wrestler, and I feel just so much more present in the world. Transition was not a cure, and things are not perfect - I've started therapy to process a lot of stuff and I think it's gonna go well. 

By the by, I read all the patron messages even if I've sucked returning them, and want to thank you so much for the recent flood of positivity I've received. 

One thing I have not talked about is my chronic pain adventures in 2021. Despite positive changes in my body, my back still likes to have chronic flare ups, and I recently just recovered from three straight months of being at 8-10 on the pain scale every day. This is why I missed several Podquisitions earlier in the year. The pain had gotten so bad I was in a dissociative state for most of the time. I'd had this up to the PolyAm Cult Party, where I performed the Sterling Rules match with my last ration of painkillers keeping me going. 

I've since been recuperating from the sheer trauma and stress of both the pain and dealing with America's wantonly cruel healthcare system. My insurance company has proven itself to be a gatekeeping fuck that only stands in the way of me and my human right to treatment. It's a sick system, and insurance companies are the biggest grift going.

What's funny is the Sterling Rules match kickstarted the healing process. Right after performing, I felt better and started recovering over the following week. Justin and I have long suspected that my back fucks itself when I don't do live shows, so lockdown has been terrible for me. My body has always ironically responded well to exercise, so I've been walking every day since the PCP show and it's been really good for me. Now that I'm getting bookings again, I should be able to stave off the next flare for a while. 

Despite blockades, I will make sure I continue to hit Monday with a new Jimquisition, as well as keep the podcasts coming. I've also been getting back into popping up Jimpressions vids, and am planning out Stephanie Sterling's Heaving Toy Chest, which people have responded very favorably to the idea of.

Life for James Stephanie Sterling has been exciting and strange lately. I am still adjusting to a new world - presenting fem to the outside world gives one an entirely different outlook. You're treated differently, looked at differently, to say nothing of those who clock my awesome transness and react how they will. Doctor visits are particularly... interesting. So far nothing truly bad has happened - I'm fortunately situated in a progressive area and I feel safe doing my daily constitutional around the neighborhood. There have been uncomfortable moments though. 

And men still offer to carry things for me.

Feeling good about myself is still a new idea to me, and I probably bore my friends banging on about my progress in terms of transition, self perception, weight loss, etcetera. By my estimation I'm down almost 100lbs from about fifteen months ago, when I last wore the Commander Sterling jumpsuit. This weekend I performed in the jumpsuit for the first time since then, which was fantastic. After coming out, I was leery of putting it back on, but I'm glad I did. I also rocked an incredible silver dress which I can't wait to show off. 

The energy and stamina I had this weekend was something I haven't felt in years. Jumping about, skipping and yelling. It felt fucking good. 

It's difficult to talk about my weight loss without diminishing those who are proudly fat and continue to deal with fatphobia. For me personally (and I only speak for me), my weight was not a choice, it was a long and drawn out bit of passive death seeking. Losing it has been important to me. Getting to a point where training became feasible again has been important to me. Lifting weights and getting strong arms is important to me. Looking exactly how I want is important to me, and I feel closer to it each day. 

This past weekend I was in Pittsburgh once again for the taping of season two of Canned Heat, a weekly YouTube show produced by Enjoy Wrestling. I am very excited about working with Enjoy - their tagline is "wrestling is for everyone," they boast a diverse and incredibly talented roster, and their creative/production is top notch. I was there to do my typical scheming and plotting, and I may or may not have dropped another chokeslam on someone. 

I just do that now. I chokeslam people. That's what I do.

Canned Heat will air 6/17 on the Enjoy YT channel. 

One other bit of wrestling news - Ryse Wrestling, my home promotion, returns LIVE on June 19th. This'll be at the Hough Building in Pittsburgh at 7:30pm ET. If you aren't near Pittsburgh, however, you can still catch it live - exclusively on my Twitch! Yup, I'll be streaming the full Ryse Returns event, which'll make this the easiest time anyone will have watching this stuff, and if folks turn out, making a viable wrestling stream could be huge for the organization. 

Whether in person or remotely, I do hope you'll join the Commander and pals. 

Thank you all for being nice and supportive about the wrestling stuff, btw. It means a lot to me, so any support in that endeavor has always warmed my heart. 

Creatively, I am in a bound spot with the main show. Lately, the conflicting feedback between "it's too different" and "it's all the same" has been through the roof. Jimquisition is at once too different and too familiar. Feedback suggested that while the fresher topics and formats were welcomed by some, others missed simply bagging on game publishers and a more formulaic format. This week I did a fully traditional episode as had been requested, and the first thing I see (after months of different topics and styles) is someone saying "Oh I guess they ran out of ideas." 

........... uh huh.

I've talked at length before about the brain-melting issues in trying to respond to feedback for on YouTube. To be told you're too repetitive and it's turning people away, while anything new you do is less popular (and the repetitive stuff continues to be the thing people watch most) is confusing. But in any case, as I discussed in a recent video, a weekly show about videogames and the cyclical arguments in that space is bound to be fatiguing, and I'm well aware of that. 

I'm also aware the weird ad edits n' stuff were incredibly polarizing, and have dramatically scaled that back. I'll continue to use them in my livestreams, but with JimQ I'll keep it on the level of previous years' edits like the "consensual penis" skits. After years of Pogfucker, dildo bats, and endless cum jokes, I'm surprised the edits were quite as conflicting as they were. But eh, the people have largely spoken. 

The significant subscriber bleed following my coming out has continued, but fortunately Patreon support has been great and those who did not run away have just been so wonderfully good to me. Thank you. 

I am still attempting to get some sort of routine going for livestreams, but 3pm ET on Tuesdays remains the most dependable and regular day. Sometimes getting one in on Monday and Thursday as well. I continue to be thrilled at the positivity and acceptance of the community we're building on Twitch. It's been a very welcoming space and I hope we get to see more folks there. 

As a heads up, I should be streaming today as well, at 3pm ET also.

I don't think there's anything more that's relevant to y'all's interests. I will simply reiterate the thanks for your support, and I will be back to shovel more content into your heads soon!