ADHD, Content Updates, And General Sterlingness (Patreon)

The ADHD Portion Of The Post

So I don't use the Patreon to write many communicative things, and that's mostly because my brain doesn't work properly and I don't communicate like I should. In fact, I've been meaning to provide an update either in text or audio form for roughly four or five months? And I just haven't. 

In recent weeks, as many of you will have picked up, I was diagnosed with ADHD alongside my other suite of wondrous mental ailments. It's been pretty revelatory, especially as things I've spent *over thirty years* hating myself for have turned out to not be a case of laziness or ignorance. That's not to say there aren't many examples of actual laziness and ignorance to draw from, but my sense of being unable to "get my shit together" has a root cause, and that's been helpful. 

It also allows me to better understand my weaknesses - chiefly, the struggles I've had following through with things. Luckily I still do everything everybody here expects of me - we've still never missed a Monday, we still pump out our podcasts, and I *am* working on more video stuff. The extra content and side projects, however, often peter out or don't get off the ground, or I struggle to update a series except sporadically, as is the case with Commentocracy or the recent shows we brought back like Boglinwatch or Squirty Play. Both of those latter series should have had another video each by now. 

Feeling like I'm not doing enough for you is difficult, and it's something I'm working hard to fix. It's been pretty scary - I've become keenly aware of how little information I can retain (if it's not for work, it generally gets forgotten), how little of my own life I can recall, and how little I can visualize anything that needs to be done in future. It's terrifying just how easy it is for me to feel completely unmotivated. Currently, Adderall doesn't work (we're having me tested to find out how I process drugs - I've always had an unnatural tolerance to chemicals), and I won't be starting therapy up until the new year (gotta love US insurance). Still, my doctor is confident we can get all this under control. 

Control is hard to come by, with a lot of life things lately, and I also think that's why I've never missed an episode of The Jimquisition on Monday since I started the show regularly in the very early 2010s - it's the one constant. It's one thing I *know* I have to do, that *will* get done, that *has* to get done, and has *always* been done. It's a rock in a tempest, is what The Jimquisition is. I worry that if I ever miss one week, that's it. I won't get that back. It makes sense to me, anyway. 

If I end up banging on too much about the ADHD a lot in podcasts and stuff, I apologize in advance. Learning what I have has helped explain so many problems, many of which are incredibly evident in my Twitch streams to the point where it's now a game to spot how many times I forget simple things and to punish me accordingly (we're officially at 10 mistakes on the channel, which viewers can cash in for one IRL kick on my rump). 

This wasn't meant to be a post solely about ADHD, but I guess it's the issue that most impacts my work here, so here we are. At some point I want to talk about writing - why I miss it, and why it's been so hard to do it in recent years. Right now, let's give a quick update on where things are.

The Update Bit Of The Words

YouTube - I've made no secret of my hatred of YT as a platform. It's done nothing but make me professionally miserable and stressed out for years. I truly believe one day that YouTube, Twitch, and other user-content platforms will have to answer for the mental abuse of those they exploit for cash. This is a topic I'll be covering at some point.

I've also made no secret of the fact I've given up on YT as a platform for building or marketing anything. It's beyond clear that the subscription number is just going to hang at around 924,000 - 925,000 and never hit a million. Not in the next several years. Possibly never. This was especially evident after this year's Ubisoft coverage which, as we've previously noted, algorithmically tanked the channel to the point of it probably never recovering.  The fact some of the most shared videos I've ever done have netted some of the lowest views speaks to a deeper problem with whatever the fuck it is YouTube does. 

This doesn't mean YT is useless. It serves as an adequate host for The Jimquisition and other video content. But I've stopped giving a shit about the channel itself. This is actually a good thing for fans of my weird bullshit. We brought back Boglinwatch and Squirty Play recently, and despite the aforementioned ADHD bullshit, I *do* plan on more. I just need to make them happen. 

We also no longer have any ambiguity between what's Patreon-supported content and what isn't. The channel split with Maker (which by the final years was only keeping me around accidentally, I'm convinced), and since then everything has been completely demonetized and included as part of the Patreon content.

Ongoing vs. Canceled Shows - I haven't been doing Industry Bullshit. Trying to find shit to talk about to do daily YT videos because that's doing YT "the right way" is just taking valuable time, material, and energy away from The Jimquisition (the last few episodes of which have been on top form I think).

I also haven't been doing Jimpressions, but that's not a permanent thing - I've been taking a lot of extra time off lately, and benefitting from it, so I've had a lighter schedule these past several weeks. Jimpressions was meant to come back today but I'm having a hell of a time fixing my video files for it. I used the PS5 to record a bunch of footage but it's all WEBM now and my video software hates it. Should be able to fix it, it's just taking time. 

Probably better to just give you a rundown of everything:

Jimquisition: Obviously fine
Jimpressions: Back soon
Industry BS: Basically finished, but I will probably use the playlist for the occasional timely rant
OMG Hype: Ongoing but I always forget it's a series I do, even though it's fun to make
Commentocracy: Ongoing, but the production is such a... production... that it takes forever to do one.
Boglinwatch: Back on the menu
Squirty Play: Returning with sporadic (for now) updates

Podcasts - I am well aware we need to do another Spin-off Doctors. We were going to do Sonic, but it pissed Conrad off so much we watched Star Wars Episode 1: A New Hope instead and still need to record it. I watched it months ago! But we haven't completely forgotten! Podquisition is still Podquisition though, and you can check out the antics of myself, Conrad, and Jonathan Holmes on Boston's Favorite Son.

I will do more Asking Sterling soon. Also wanted to do another State of Sterling, but I guess this post covers a lot of that. 

Livestreams - in case you didn't know, I livestream on Twitch at the JimSterling channel! This is extracurricular, so I don't push it much on the Patreon (I have a thing about not pushing my content here if it's not something you supported and I stand to make a bit money off it), but I really should let you know more since it stands to reason patrons would care about my stuff most. 

I'm loving streaming. While I think Twitch as a platform is as abusive as YouTube in terms of what it demands from streamers, I am enjoying it as someone who explicitly went on there to not play the fucking algorithm game. I make Twitch work for me - I am doing laid back, incredibly gay livestreams where I play some bullshit, show off my Kenner Aliens and recently won title belts, and talk about my mental health and gender identity adventures. 

I don't push the streams mega hard, and I don't push it to the general Hardcore Gamer(tm) audience, because we've been cultivating a really supportive, welcoming, intensely LGBTQ+ friendly environment for which the videogame aspect isn't super important. This isn't to say all aren't welcome, but if you want to watch straightforward gaming commentary, stick to my Jimpressions. If you want to look at Killer Crab Xenomorphs and watch some bizarre 90s UK adverts, then do please tune in!

Between the Mod Squad, and working alongside Laura and Conrad to cross-promote streams, as well as other great streamers like CaseyExplosion or Lucky_Bun, it's been a great time, and has provided more positive content creation experiences in a few months than YouTube has in six years. Hell, for all its issues, even Twitch itself has been pretty welcoming to me, extending an actual welcome when I first started. Which was nice. 

Also a fun financial note... the ad-supported stuff I was doing on YT did have a business purpose, it was helping predominantly with covering taxes (it's a long story explaining how badly I got fucked by a number of money issues I trusted were handled) and other ancillary business costs. In a couple months, Twitch has made up the shortfall I lost after ending 6+ years of financial growth on YouTube. Say what you will (and I will) about Twitch's terrifying gamification of financial support - they sure as fuck worked out an effective way to get content creators paid better than YT ever did.

Anyway, self-serving rants aside, we don't yet have a nailed-down schedule for streams, but lately I've been doing them at 12pm EST on Monday and Friday, with some stuff happening on Tuesdays and Fridays too. In general, I squeeze them in when I have the time and energy, and have been trying to do at least two a week. 

A Petty Bit Of Warbling

I recently learned a couple dedicated editors have systematically scrubbed out all mention of my wrestling career on Wikipedia. They've also been choosing my pronouns as a hill to die on, fighting to keep he/him despite my increasingly stated preference of they/them. It's a silly little thing to be annoyed about, but the rewriting of my career- and who I am - is an ongoing issue I've had with various online communities for years. The feeling of constant erasure is definitely a wearisome one, as things I've influenced - and changes I've affected in the industry - all have my name regularly scratched off of them.

One recent example is the way I was completely cut out of the loot box discussion when it became a popular topic, despite being the person who first covered them full-time and accurately predicted their entire trajectory. Really, a number of games I've explicitly influenced have had me extracted from their histories. 

When I'm finally all packed in and done with gaming media one day, I'm going to be unpersoned completely. That's just the way it is. This is one of the reasons why the Jimquisition frequently reminds viewers about the things I accurately called, and the things I had a hand in helping to happen. My own show is the only record left of a lot of these things. 

Other General Notes And Things

I miss writing. It's another ADHD-riddled issue, I've come to feel. I stopped regular long-form writing years ago because I can't do it anymore. Been trying to write a JimQ book for years. This is something I definitely hope I can get back in my life when I find a working treatment. 

I also miss wrestling. It's been too long, and I'm desperate to continue the new angle where I am Ryse Wrestling's new Champion Regent after stripping the previous champion due to quarantine. I just know when we get a live crowd back, the Ryse fans will lose their shit at me. I love making them lose their shit at me. I can't wait for it to come back, and for MV Young to do another Polyam Cult Party so I can be on it again. 

The new Animaniacs is really fucking good. 

Being non-binary with an increasing transfemme direction is hard work. There is so much maintenance involved when you finally care about how you look and feel. Also I was tripping balls last night and apparently decided then would be a good time to have a go at myself with the electric razor. I am now 90% raw angry skin. I also learned tripping balls is a hell of a way to kick ass at Demon's Souls - I don't know where I am in the game or how I got there, but I know I kicked ass to do it. 

In a future update I'll probably talk more about how the whole NB/trans adventure is going. It's going well though! Appointment in a few months to talk HRT options. 

I think that's it. I bought a lot of Boglins, including two prototypes that never saw the light of day. Looking forward to showing them off.

Right, that's it!