❤️ Being Okay with Your Parameters is a Work-in-Progress ❤️ (Patreon)

I don’t know about anyone else, but I often oscillate between ‘I’m doing okay’ and ‘I am such a fucking piss-baby shit-head loser’. And one of the reasons that this often happens is because I hold myself to a standard that is probably just not possible for me.

Whilst I never want to use my developmental disorder as a ‘get out of jail free card', I feel like if I don’t recognise that I have a disability then I’m just living in denial. On top of being autistic, I have a mood disorder called premenstrual dysphoric disorder which means 1-2 weeks out of the month I can be anywhere between manic, depressed, self-sabotaging and just flat-out non-responsive.

And more often than not, I find my disabilities disabling. They're not pleasant to experience or be around. Hence why I spend so much time alone. I don’t want to inflict myself on people. I love my family, but when I feel unstable, I isolate because I don’t even wanna be around me - never mind have the people I love have to be around me. To clarify I am not demonising these disorders. Having these conditions does not make you good or bad. They just are and they are difficult.

What I’m trying to say is that, I’ve thus far tried to live as close to a neurotypical life as possible, and as such, often experience crushing disappointment and self-loathing. The fact of the matter is we are who we are. And a part of my current learning process is recognising that I don’t have to live in one particular way. Nor does anybody else. I’ve never worried too much about what other people think of me. At least in the sense that you have little to no control over that, so why waste your time. But I have definitely struggled with how I see myself.

If I’m being kind - I can see that I try. That doesn’t make me an angel or mean that’s all that matters, but I do feel that I try very hard. And that can sometimes be a part of the problem. I have always tried very hard and yet I have always found everything difficult. And I do mean everything. I find doing basic tasks exhausting, being around people draining, working can be soul-crushing, I even seem to suck at sleeping and eating. And so when people say you're doing great at work, it's all at once lovely and awful. People message me and say 'you can tell how much fun you had voicing this' and I just feel like a fucking fraud because I was trudging through making that audio and feeling like a fucking incompetent fraud the whole time. To clarify, this is in no way a criticism of any listeners or anyone who has sent me kind messages. This is just me feeling like me.

Ultimately, I think it can be a very healthy thing to recognise who you are, what you want and what you’re working with when it comes to your mind, your body and your energy levels. Over the years, I’ve had so many wonderful messages, full of support and kind words, and amongst them there’s often been this theme of ‘can’t wait to see what you do next’, ‘if you push yourself even harder, you’ll be able to do great things’, ‘can’t wait for you to blow up’. And whilst I know these were nothing but kindnesses, it’s always inadvertently made me feel how I’ve always felt - which is - “people want more from you and you’re never gonna be able to give it to them. You can't even do the bare minimum”.

I obviously don’t have everything figured out, but I am trying to charter a new course where I am a lot more authentic and honest about my capabilities and wants. I think this could be beneficial for a lot of people, but ultimately, you do what’s best for you. I can just see that me being unkind and abusive to myself is not a healthy coping mechanism and I'd like to do better for myself and hopefully showcase a better way for others.

All the best.