Faith, Draft 1, 1 5, outline, CH 03 (Patreon)

Faith in the Family, Commentary, CH 3

In which the consequences of the previous chapter happen? I’m horrible at condensing. Ben is way better at it.

But yes, this chapter is mainly a follow-up dealing with showing the consequences of an evening of sucking cock and getting high off it. That was always how it was approached, even in the outline. Thomas eventually zoning out and learning the extent of what he did the next day.

The late breakfast/brunch covered how his family reacted to it, and over all me and Ben went in the same direction. He added details and brought some I had to ask about because I had no idea that pancakes were used as a surface to help practice hot to frost a cake on.

One interesting element in how Ben wrote 1.5, is that he tends to distance Thomas’s parents from him. referring to them in the narrations as “The father” or “The mother”. To the point where I had to ask him if he was establishing they weren’t actually related (he wasn’t, it’s how he tried to not always use their names)

In the second scene Thomas learns the details of the night from Paul, and added details that never occurred to me, even if one of them I should have remember since the phones as drives for computers is something I created for the Inheriting the Line series. He went closer to it, but in draft two, and going forward, I will definitely be using it.

One detail I find amusing from the way Ben writes is how poetic he can be. He’ll slip things like “Black Nectar” when referring to coffee, and other detail here and that. I’ll try to make sure some of them survive, but Thomas isn’t enough of a Coffee lover at this point to be using that.

And where I’d had Thomas refer to Judith as Jude, in a previous chapter and Ben change it back to Judith in his version, here I used her full name and he made it an abbreviation. I suspect we’re both trying to figure out how Thomas would refer to his siblings.

And we have another hint (stronger here) to the lack of locks on the doors in the Hertz household. I will be making use of that in draft 2.

And finally, Ben shifted the ending of the conversation between Thomas and Paul because I keep making Thomas a tad too confident.

So that’s it on the comments, I hope you enjoy the file.

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