Nerding Day: Novelty Waffle Makers Have Gone Too Far (Patreon)

Novelty waffle makers are The Blob of capitalism. I started noticing them here and there in the early 2000s. A Yoda, or a Mickey Mouse waving at you from your morning pastry is fine and cute, but things have gotten out of hand. The global waffle maker market is currently a $221 million-a-year industry that's projected to see a steady, constant stream of growth through 2033, where it's projected to be worth 405 million dollars. That's too many waffle makers!

Waffle makers are evil, and I don't trust them. I've been burned too many times. Also, they were invented by a man named Cornelious Swartwout. That's a mad scientist's name if I've ever heard one, and the grip Cornelious Swartwout has on our society still to this day is horrific. We're all going to be crushed under a tower of Paris Hilton waffle makers by 2033, and Cornelious Swartwout's laughter will echo up from the depths of hell.

Let's just get this out of the way right up front. Before you ask, does it come in penis? Yes, of course, the waffle maker comes in penis. Everything comes in penis these days. Show me a product we haven't shaped like a dick yet, and I'll show you an opportunity to make a million dollars. Amazon's most popular dick waffle supplier costs $174, and it is a restaurant-quality machine that produces four dicks at a time. Nobody wants four dicks at a time, that's too many dicks.

They emphasize their "lifelike shape" to separate them from the many, many other penis waffle makers because they really put in the time to get the detail on the mushroom head and carefully craft a playful hint of balls. However, as someone who's seen a lot of dicks I feel like the uniformity of dicks doesn't make them very lifelike. There should be at least one weird one in the bunch, like a short fatty or a curvy guy. These are model dicks, and we all know it.

Since we have to have a pink tax on everything, a vagina waffle maker is significantly more expensive. It's $341 to make five vagina waffles, and the majority of the ones I was able to find for sale all seemed to be for industrial applications. Apparently, genital-shaped breakfasts are only popular in a public forum. One ad suggested they would be a popular item to sell at a "mobile stall, cafeteria, snack bar, or mall." I can't imagine an American mall where pussy waffles are a best seller at the food court, but if anyone wants to try and make that dream a reality, it will cost slightly more than if you went the peen route.

I just realized that I've accidentally started this article in alphabetical order. Paris, Penis, Pussy, so I think the only logical thing to do is go straight to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Yes, there's a Ruth Bader Ginsburg waffle maker. Usually, if I wanted an old white lady to scowl at me over breakfast, I would visit my grandma, but you can recreate the experience in breakfast pastry forever if you want to, for some reason.

Looking at this, I had to ask myself, is it disrespectful to eat the face of a former Supreme Court Justice? Or is it the ultimate sign of respect? Sure, George Washington and Martin Luther King Jr. get schools and streets named after them but name another historical figure posthumously immortalized in a pastry-making device. I'll wait.

While we haven't made a ton of prominent political figures into waffles yet, we have managed to enshrine some of our nation's greatest institutions in waffle. I'm talking about the officially licensed NHL waffle maker for the person in your life who is really into full-contact sports and elaborate breakfasts.

I'm starting to notice an engineering problem with a lot of these waffle makers. Waffles are full of little squares because those are syrup containment units. A lot of the novelty waffle makers don't have the appropriate amount of syrup prison. Purchasing one of these waffle makers is basically saying, "I want all of my syrup to slide off the NHL logo and make a big mess on my plate."

One place that has properly engineered their vanity waffles is the Ivy League. Yale, Stanford, and Harvard all have their college logos stamped onto the very fancy waffles in their cafeteria, BUT they made sure to include some proper syrup catchers around the logo. This is what happens when an Ivy League design team turns its attention to the waffle industry. I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but Big Waffle Iron is definitely worming its way into our most prestigious institutions, leaving its buttery fingerprints all over the nepo babies of our country's most influential people. These waffles are so well designed because they're a recruitment tool.

Once impressionable teenagers are indoctrinated into the niche waffle iron lifestyle, they're addicted. Suddenly, every facet of their personality doesn't count unless it's got Big Waffle's stamp of validation. "Oh, so you think you're a KISS fan? Show me your KISS waffle maker, poser." These poor, confused children will say.

Ok, the KISS waffle maker might be a bad example of the over-commercialization of nature's gentlest breakfast food. KISS is basically the Garfield of bands. It's not that surprising that there's a KISS waffle maker. It's almost surprising that there's only one version of the KISS waffle maker. You're telling me no one wanted to make Peter Criss waffles?

Only one person who I fully expected to have a waffle maker has been smart enough to avoid the industrial waffle maker complex. That person is our lord and savior, Hulk Michael Hogan. They came to Hulk Hogan and asked to make him into a waffle iron, and he said, "I absolutely refuse to contribute to this industry, brother. I will only be a cake pan." Thank you for your brave stance against waffle makers, Hulk.

Even Jesus has a waffle maker! No one but Hulk Hogan is humble enough to turn down the waffle maker lifestyle. Given how much Christians love to promote the Jesus brand, I was surprised it was kind of difficult to locate a Jesus waffle iron. You can get a Kirk Cameron Crepe Machine or a Kevin Sorbo Babak Blast at any Christian flea market. The Jesus waffle maker is individually handcrafted by a small artist who's converting sinners one breakfast at a time. That means an indie waffle maker market is popping up to serve the segments of the population Big Waffle has somehow missed.

Religion, government, entertainment, higher education, sports, genitals, is there any segment of our society that can’t be contained in a waffle iron? I’m officially sounding the alarm bell. I don’t know exactly how it will happen but I know Cornelious Swartwout will see this world end in a flood of waffle batter. I’m calling on our readers to boycott novelty waffle makers and also swear vengeance on Cornelious Swartwout and his heirs. Unless we decide to sell a 1900HOTDOG waffle maker someday soon, in which case please disregard this article.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Joseph Searles, whose novelty waffle portrait holds exactly two ounces of syrup. 

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.