Fucking Day: Cookbooks for Fuckin' (Patreon)

Hi, I’m the Internet’s Seanbaby, and I need a snack that makes me climax more than once. “Tough luck,” says artichoke dip. Until now. We’re reading Multi-Orgasmic Diet: Delicious Meal Recipes that Helps You Squirt and Orgasm Multiple Times by Marvin Sidwell, published in 2020 by Marvin Sidwell.

Maybe I’m just hungry, but let’s ignore the squirting orgasms for a second and focus on how this author awarded a handful of buffalo wing garnishes, five chips, and a cup of velveeta the MAIN COURSE Badge of Honor. That’s insane. That’s not a full meal. And it’s definitely not the meal you make before you blow the back out of some lucky woman. That’s your dinner when you haven’t showered in four days and your World of Warcraft guild is working on a new boss.

This book isn’t serious, is it? This has to have been designed as a joke gift for men with sad senses of humor and sadder wives. Does the back of the book have any answers?

Nothing. But a taunting kind of nothing. Anyone who says “I know which foods make you squirt,” and thinks they can stop talking is wrong. When do the meals make you squirt? Who tested this? Have any very surprised people made these dishes by accident? You know that’s peeing, right? Because there is a huge difference between a squirting cookbook written by someone who knows that and someone pretending otherwise. Wait, okay, I’ve decided on my main question: is she going to get horny or incontinent, and do you, author Marvin Sidwell, see those as two different things?

This introduction is not good news. I do not trust authors who think about sex and immediately decide “pizza.” Plus, this is a stupid fucking metaphor. It’s a book about multiple, futon-soaking orgasms and he opens with “even if none of this works, she’s still getting filled with cheese and jostled!” And did he say “maximize this woman-only recipes?” Does that mean they don’t work on men, or they work too well on men? I’m fine ejaculating first thing during a meal, I just want to plan my outfit.

Alright, the intro is over. Now it’s time for the quack author to explain his holistic approach to sexual potency, and which chakras are empowered by these ingredi– hold on. That ABOUT section was the whole thing. We’re already doing recipes? Okay, whatever, let’s get this Creamed Spinach in you, ladies.

This is… this is a completely generic creamed spinach recipe. With no instructions on how to serve it. Do I… ? No. No, this isn’t taken like a suppository is it? It’s possible the author could have mistaken “I am having a screaming orgasm” with “cayenne pepper has been topically applied to my vulva.” It’s definitely more possible than “oooooh, this creamed spinach made me squirt.”

I decided to do some research, but since my touch is already quiveringly orgasmic, I couldn’t simply add creamed spinach to my normal climax routine. So I went online and discovered this:

This is, fucking word-for-word, the same creamed spinach dish as the one on Delish.com, a popular recipe site. Which is also identical to the creamed spinach recipes on Kitchen Magpie, Cairo West Magazine, Pocket, Lee Recipes, Platinum Weekly‘s “What’s Cookin’?”, Jaipur Beat, Ejaculating Tony Eats, Dine With Donna, and the only one of those I made up was Ejaculating Tony Eats. And not a single one of those recipes came with a warning about what that creamed spinach is about to do to your clitoris. This… I mean… come on, there’s no way this motherfucker copied a bunch of random recipes off the Internet, added forty words of sex pizza metaphor, and declared it a squirting orgasm book, right? Right?

No one would dare. I’m going to skip to the end.

Marvin just ends his sex cookbook with a limp recipe for poached salmon? This is nuts. Look, maybe maybe I can make a woman climax after the words “remove salmon carefully with a fish spatula.” I’m just that erotic. But not multiple times. Look, if I ask you where you keep your fish spatula, that’s the same as me telling you you’re probably not going to cum. It’s not that kind of night, lady. This is a fish spatula night. On the other hand, if I toss you a cup of velveeta and a bag of carrots, fuel up. We’re about to fuck. I’m not telling you anything new. If you read the packaging on a fish spatula, it says “Not for use with orgasms.” Ancient man invented fish spatulas to dry their panties.

Still, “remove salmon carefully with a fish spatula” is a unique enough phrase I could see if Marvin also stole this recipe from the world wide web.

Marvin did. This exact poached salmon recipe is at the same site as before and ninety fucking five other places on the Internet. And of those 96 places, none of them said anything close to “this dish is perfect for a light brunch or tearing a piece of that pussy off.” That’s the whole book! Thirty recipes you would have to click through to the sixth page of Google results to not get, but with the promise they’ll make the women in your life squirt like wet pizza. Like a soggy, flopping pizza gushing ejaculate into a fish spatula.

What did you get out of that, Marvin? The profit margin on selling print-to-order books to maniacs and media illiterates is, what, .03 percent? This childlike scheme got you seven cents at best. But I have good news. I’m going to give you seven more, because I want to check something.

I bought Marvin’s Erectile Dysfunction Cookbook: Sexual Satisfaction Diet Recipes to Cure Premature Ejaculation, Enjoy Great Sex and Regain Confidence. It contains thirty recipes for that boner sweet spot– confident and stiff, but nowhere close to ejaculating. As fate would have it, I already know the recipe for this. It’s twenty four Miller Lites, but I’m curious to see how Marvin translates that into salmon.

You’re not going to find this shocking, but this book opens with some questionable penis science, then lists thirty random recipes. The first one is Cherry Cheesecake Ice Cream.

Okay, sounds good. Fill an adult man with three cups of ice cream and a can of condensed milk and shake him in a room where people can smell and hear his asshole. Hot as fuck. But wait, “Total Time: 8 Hours 10 Mins”!? This is a book about boner recipes and you open with one that takes a full workday to prepare? And aren’t graham crackers famous for being the snack specifically invented to prevent arousal? Now that I’m saying it, I realize that must be some stupid urban legend, but instead of looking up graham cracker origins, I’m going to Google some of this recipe’s text to figure out who Marvin is plagiarizing.

Twenty six thousand, seven hundred matches? I’m going to have to change tactics. Let’s jump ahead in the book and try a different recipe. I’ll skip to page fifty and see… no. My god, Marvin, what have you done. This is a recipe for Creamed Spinach!?

This anti-erectile dysfunction creamed spinach is prepared in precisely the same way as the multi-orgasmic creamed spinach. And sure, I buy that a milky wad of edible swamp will turbocharge the libido of all genders. But you can’t expect me to believe spinach is, by default, calibrated to both cause squirting and prevent premature ejaculation. If that were true, we’d call it the Golden Spinach Ratio and our entire understanding of mathematics would be based on it. The Yin Yang symbol would be a white Popeye and a black Popeye climaxing in a 69. It’s truly impossible. And say it wasn’t. What happens if she eats faster and the creamed spinach is out of balance? There’s no delicate way of asking this: If she eats more of the creamed spinach, do I slap my limp shame against her while she just fucking soaks me, loving every second of it?

I couldn’t believe what had happened. After buying only two of his books, I discovered this grifter not only stole all his recipes verbatim from the Internet, he copied them again into other books. And it wasn’t only Creamed Spinach. He copied six dishes in a row– a full 20% of the book. Look at this!

I guess Marvin only found 24 recipes that gave him a boner on Delish.com, so for his last six he just copy/pasted the first six of Multi-Orgasmic Diet. Which probably took him longer than you’d think because he also accidentally pasted “Ingredients” and “Directions” in between chapters 12 and 13 and lost count. Why is this important? Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s a clue. Maybe the answer is inside Spinach Cookbook, another list of recipes published by Marvin Sidwell in 2020. Have another seven cents, Marvin, because I’m going to get to the bottom of this!

There is no mention of sexual explosions anywhere in Spinach Cookbook, which claims to treat diabetes, but the same six recipes are listed in the same order. Is this a prank he’s playing on diabetics? Is it safe for a diabetic to squirt multiple times as, like, a surprise? During lunch!? I decided I’d fed my penis enough spinach. Have another seven cents, Marvin, because I am starting up the avocado phase of my investigation.

My dear Lord, fuck. In Marvin’s 2020 classic, Bigger Butt Diet, he lists the same six guacamole recipes, word-for-word, as the ones from Erectile Dysfunction Cookbook. Why? This is pointless! For a lot of reasons! First, these recipes are all online hundreds of times and in your other book. Second, if you have Bigger Butt Cookbook, you have already solved your erectile dysfunction problem. Girl, I don’t need the rest of this condensed milk and creamed spinach. Why don’t you back up and show me what that guacamole thing do?

This goddamn lunatic did this so many times. He rearranged the same 100 recipes to cure insomnia, cirrhosis, Chrohn’s disease, and depression. He also did one for meatballs that boost your “brain intelligence,” and I wouldn’t ruin something so perfect with a joke. His premature ejaculation meatballs enhance your brain intelligence. It’s wonderful.

A lot of these claim to be “Dr. Sebi Approved,” which is not a real honor. First, it’s a pretty bold statement to say your book is approved by a man who died four years before you published it, especially when you’re only copying unrelated recipes you found on Hidden Valley Ranch’s website (that’s real). Second, Dr. Sebi was a disgraced Honduran food wizard who claimed he was African and that Michael Jackson owed him $980,000. Saying the ghost of Dr. Sebi approved your book is like saying you’re endorsed by The Nazi Guy Who Got In Trouble For Sewing Goat Testicles Into Everybody. And I already know what you’re thinking. You’re going, “Shut up, shut the fuck up, does that blue one on the bottom right say “Herpes Diet Cookbook?” It does! And it is not getting good reviews!

Poor Kati and Carole G. were sold a book with 30 salmon recipes to make them squirt while they were trying to get their herpes outbreaks under control. Under those circumstances, one star. Anyway, and as always, if you see Herpes Diet Cookbook on someone’s shelf, don’t eat the creamed spinach.

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