Punching Day: Hidy Ochiai - The '80s Most Karate Cover Model (Patreon)

In 1979, Hidy Ochiai started writing books about his style of Karate, Washin-Ryu. And they were fine. For all the badasses who learned how to fight from hundreds of pictures of down blocks, they did the job as good as any. What made his books special were the covers. He took all previous understanding about how Karate a book could look and multiplied it by Karate. For reference, here is what a normal Karate book from the era looked like:

This sucks. It looks like a dad waking up to find a raccoon in the Christmas tree and acting on instinct. And to my loved ones, this is the last pose and facial expression you'll see if you get bit by a zombie and I have to make a tough decision. How is this the picture they went with? Did Jay T. Will throw his back out on the first kick and then retire from Kenpo Karate forever? My point is: the amount you were thinking about the cover of Jay T. Will's Kenpo Karate For Self-Defense earlier today is how much they thought about it when it was published. Back then Karate graphic designers could slap the words "BEGINNER PUNCH ATTACKS" on a white background or show someone's dungeon master weeping in midair-- no one gave a shit. Now let's look at the cover of someone who did. Here's Hidy Ochiai's first book:

Look at this beautiful masterpiece. Hidy is caving in the neck of one man while carrying his already dead friend to the trash. And he's having a blast. Look at the smile! What a story this tells-- two barefoot Karate men brought a kitchen knife to the park and were killed by a throat-kicking, fireman's-carrying tornado. When it's time for me to give my wedding vows, I'm just going to hand my fiance this picture.

I do have one note. It's a little unfair for Hidy to beat up a 13-year-old who can't even afford a real swor--

W-whoa. Hidy blocked me! I'm not sure what that could mean for this article, but let's keep going.

These men were doomed the moment they brought their knives and throats to a Hidy Ochiai picnic. He's caving in two necks at the same time while he tears a third guy's arm off, and it's definitely only move one of a thirty hit combo. Someone two states away is going to see three esophaguses land in their backyard and never know what happened.

I do think Hidy would have to spend less time on self-defense if he had the minimal awareness required to not wander into gangs of clearly labeled Karate enem--

Hidy's high block is right. Avoiding knife maniac Karate gangs is no way for a man to go through life. Here's how a man should go through life:

"Can I learn LIVING KARATE?" asked the total pussy.

With his feet, Hidy Ochiai explained he could only teach the KARATE part.

Hours later, Linda Naginata, Throwing Star Detective, would examine the remains and say, "This is a style known as 'Living Karate.' Hh. Looks like this guy didn't get the mem--

Hidy's right again. I was going to be doing Linda Naginata, Throwing Star Detective, for at least another 2000 words.

Look at Hidy Ochiai on the cover of this issue of BLACK BELT Magazine featuring an article called "Karate for Professional Men," which is definitely how to kill a ninja with a briefcase. Look at this sweet asbestos samurai robe! It's not even legal to own one of these unless you have a space firefighter certification. He looks like a police sketch of a "baked potato who became guardian of the forbidden sword." Bury me in this after I fuck to death in it.

Hidy gets it. Wait, whoa-- look at this:

He has that shit in gold too! By the way, art historians, this 1975 issue of Karate ILLUSTRATED is the maximum amount of art you can do. As the top half of him slowly slid off, the photographer Hidy Ochiai cut in half to get this photo knew he had spent his life wisely. This is so goddamn swee-- oh no, that article is called "THE FIGHT OF A LIFETIME! MARTIAL ARTISTS DEFEAT HANDICAPS." Is... is "handicaps" what 1975 Karate journalists called people in wheelcha--

Good call, Hidy.

Oh, hey! I think it's the same kitchen knife murderer from earlier! Keep trying, kid! I'll be reading about OFFICIAL KARATE's list of "KARATE'S FABULOUS FEMALES" which includes JOY TURBEVILLE, whose name isn't spelled like that, and no second woman! There's also an article about Fred "The Hammer" Williamson going from sidekick to stardom. Let me get on IMDB and look up which Fred Williamson movies had just come out when this was published. Oh no, I think they might be talking about Boss Ni--

Another great call, Hidy.

There was a lot of big kick news in this issue of KICK ILLUSTRATED. A samurai battle from the year 1180! A sad look at the lack of combat jobs! And something called "SIX MASTERS VS. THE HAIR GRAB!" Is that an interview series where the staff ambushes martial arts experts with a different move each month, or are they all fighting one big guy whose name is THE HAIR GRAB? The answer is C: six Tae Kwon Do black belts are tied together by the ponytails and dropped into a treacherous maze where survival is the only rule.

Back to what I was talking about, there's also an article called "THE HIDY OCHIAI STORY," and Hidy Ochiai himself is telling that story, using sai, too quickly for the KICK ILLUSTRATED photographer to capture. They were like, "Hidy, maybe do a couple cool things with these ninja weapons," and he spun open an actual portal to the Karate Zon--

You're right, Hidy. I've said too much.

This issue of BLACK BELT Magazine had a feature on how Aikido works, citing Steven Seagal as proof. Which, martial artistly speaking, is like saying cholesterol is good for you and citing Steven Seagal as proof. They're not all winners, is what I'm saying. Even Hidy Ochiai phoned this one in. All he did was take off his shirt and borrow his auntie's gardening wig. Maybe he's getting ready to block bullets or something, but this just looks like an action figure someone left on a radiator. Is it a Karate thing to honor your ancestors by wearing their favorite pajamas? He looks like your starting character after you've installed 37 too many Skyrim mod--

There he is.

Hey, this is that same asshole with the kitchen knife! Let Hidy enjoy the park, you mania-- hold on, look at all these articles! There's one FOR WOMEN where one of my favorites, Sidney Filson, shows ladies how to tear dicks off with a keychain. And there's one by some fuck named Grandmaster Yuen-Chiao Liu who is simply announcing how he knew Bruce Lee would die and let him? Hey, Yuen-Chiao, if your magic death prediction powers only work four years after someone dies, you're not a kung fu wizard. You're more like a noisy, stupid bummer. You're definitely not Karate, but who or what is? This magazine is called OFFICIAL KARATE and even it asks, "Do We Really Know What Karate Is?" Of course we do. Karate is a fi--

Smart, Hidy. Our people's true strength is in our mystery.

Nice, Hidy! This is the same look as earlier, level 0 forgotten trousers and the classic "Thirteen Mistakes" haircut, but all it took to make it work was nunchucks. And before you ask, yes, the article called "CRAMMING AT SUMMER CAMP" in this issue of Karate ILLUSTRATED is about how to stuff your nunchucks up a rival camp counselor's assho--

Come on, Hidy. Let me have my fun. It's an article in a Karate magazine called CRAMMING AT SUMMER CAMP. What's it going to be about? Fucking last-minute off-season algebra quizzes? It's either about anal nunchucking or noth--

Fine. You're right again. Speaking of again, let's take another look at the cover of your first book.

This rules so hard. And knowing now that it was taken on probably the 250th time that idiot tried to kill you with a kitchen knife I don't even feel bad for him. Man, everything about this picture is perfect.

Again.

Fuck yes! Again!

Agai--

Okay, Hidy. I trust your judgement. I guess that's it then! Bye!