2022 (Patreon)

To all our Patrons,

It's the dawn of a new year. This day is so special if you think about it. It's the one day of year that people truly have hope. They start making all these resolutions, making plans for the year ahead... But even last year, there was a brief moment of hope. We had a new President, vaccines were on the horizon... and then of course a national insurrection quashed those feelings of hope only five days later and set a darker tone for the rest of the year.

But it's been a strangely long and fast year at the same time. 2020 and early 2021 were some of the darkest moments of my life, reaching depths that even I didn't know I was capable of. I swore to the people on this Patreon that I would be working on myself and those weren't light words. 

I've learned to stop giving people hope and disappointing them. I recently heard something important that doing one good thing doesn't suddenly make you a good person. You work on yourself, you put in the work, and only then can you ask for forgiveness.

I've applied this logic to my self improvement. And I want to tell you about the big changes I made in my life. I'm saying this because I don't think just making mindless resolutions with no chance of follow through is a good thing. We need to truly reflect on the year past, see what true changes we did make and acknowledge those achievements, and only then can we look forward to more.

I've made numerous changes to my life to keep our Patreon running much more smoothly than last year. I have deeply thrown myself into studies relating to psychology and philosophy. Combining both elements of psychology and philosophy and utilizing knowledge I learn from both fields have greatly helped improve not only my mental health but my way of thinking. That was the first step.

With my mind equipped with better ways of thinking and understanding of both the world, life, and myself, I started applying strict disciplines to my life. Small, slow ones, so that they give me the mental exercise to take on bigger disciplines.

I've successfully transitioned into changing my sleep cycle. I wake up at 5 in the morning, usually beating the alarm, and--I'm not tired. I wake up and I feel alive. This took a year's work of conditioning, starting at 6am and slowly working backwards. We then successfully cut out sugar, sodas, corn syrup, saturated fats, etc. for a whole month along with intermittent fasting, before giving ourselves a break for Thanksgiving. We successfully transitioned into clean foods which in turn made La Croix actually taste good? (Bonus!) We allowed ourselves some more freedom for the holidays but with the new year we will once again cutting and restricting our dietary allowances.

Smaller disciplines would be sticking to a 10 step (yes 10 step) skin care regime. No phones in the bedroom. I leave my phone in my closet now. When I get off work I put away my phone and I am free from all technological strings. 

And my biggest and proudest achievement would be working with a personal trainer for 3 months. When I first signed up with him, everything was pain, I was stiff and unable to even stand on one leg. Now, while I may look the same, I've become incredibly flexible, limber, and can take on exercise we do now without hesitation. This is obviously still a work in progress but the gym and exercise has been one of my biggest sources of joy now as it provides a challenge and the adrenaline rush and stimulation I've been craving. 

All of this has been six months of work and it's all in part to you all. If you were around during our summer months, you'll know it was particularly difficult for me. I'm not joking when I say shows like Sea of Hope, Paris Et Itzy, Twice in Switzerland, Bon Voyage, etc. saved my soul. 

I don't like letting people down. And over the past six months I have worked relentlessly to get my mind, body, and soul right so that I don't let you all down with the inconsistency to my mental and physical failings.

I'm at peace. But if we're being honest: I'm not happy. And who is right? After all, happiness is a state of being that comes and goes, and experiencing sadness is what MAKES the happy moments feel so great, right?

But this job... Well, it's a job. And don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do. But I do indeed film too much. I film about 50 hours worth of content a month on Patreon and it's no easy feat. I'm so dedicated to producing as much content for you all I eat ALL of my meals on camera. But hot damn if it isn't a fulfilling job. That's the thing. Doing this... It doesn't bring ME any happiness. In fact it makes me tired, it makes me feel lonely, and it uses up so much of my brain function it actually scares me how much my short term memory has died. But when I read your comments, when I see you guys laugh, even if not in person, just hearing you had a good time... God there's no feeling like it. For me, it's worth the price of admission. 

However, with this new year... I'd like to ask something of you guys. Obviously, you all already give so much, and what I'm asking isn't easy but hear me out. 

I love dark humor. I never quite understood why I loved it so much but I just watched a comedy special that was incredibly dark and it was broken down quite nicely for me. They mentioned how they feel bad for people who get offended by jokes. Because people with dark humor, we can laugh at the darkest of things, so that means when we are going through the darkest times in our lives, we can still laugh about it. But people who can't? They just have to deal with it. Earlier this year I tried to take my own life and after I was stopped, you know what the first thing I did was? I cracked a joke. A rather dark one about taking my own life. And this is RIGHT after I had just tried to take my own life. Now that's pretty fucked up. But to be fair, I'm quite funny. 

But what's the point of this? Well, after that whole incident I tried the therapy thing and well, that didn't do anything for me. And after much soul searching what I realized is that I didn't need therapy; I needed something else. 

You see therapy, at the end of the day, is helping you deal with your problems. I know that sounds hilarious given what my channel names is and mind you, therapy IS important. But take it from me, as someone who's been clinically depressed for over a decade I've got all the "coping mechanisms" and the "talking it out" thing down. I didn't even have to go to a therapist to do all that, that's just called surviving. What I realize I needed to do was just be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Therapy is great and all but at the end of the day it's just a band-aid to help you get through the day. I needed to think about the long term. 

That's what I learned this past year. It's what kick started changing my life to try and live my best. Because up until now I have only ever been trying. Not trying my best. 

So here's what I'm asking of you: try your best. And if you are? Great. But if you're one of those people who's just dealing with it day by day... Could you be doing more? I know, I know. I'm just the guy on your screen who talks about K-Pop so who the fuck am I, right? And that's fair. You can easily ignore this and feel free to do so. But me? I just want you all to be happy. I say this as someone who is doing this at the expense of my own happiness. I see a lot of comments of people saying how I helped them get through their day, and that's great, but I just want you guys to know that I am not doing this just so that you'll be "okay" or it'll help you get to bed easier. I'm doing this to help y'all get through the day and eventually find your happiness.

And remember, happiness is just a passing state of being. But if you try your best, you will have more happier moments than if you didn't try your best.

So do it for me! Or for yourself. But if you're a self deprecating asshole like me, then do it for someone else. That's my thing. At the end of the day, I kinda hate myself. I don't know what it is and let's not get into that. But I'm forcing myself to treat myself better so that I don't disappoint you guys.

So this year, and the many more onwards, don't just "deal with it", don't just "hang in there"; just either try your best, or treat yourself better.

Don't disappoint me :)

Happy New Year!

-PD