Final post for a while (Patreon)

Hello everyone! I just wanted to say before getting into everything...thank you all to those who have supported me throughout these past few months. Things lately have been a bit rough. Not just for me, but for some of you as well. And for that, my love and support goes out to you all. But for now, I wanted to talk about something that has been weighing down on me. You guys know I have always been transparent in the things that I'm going through, even though it might be difficult to talk about. I'll try not to get too much into detail about everything, but If you want to skip over the emotional talk, then you can find the TDLR at the bottom of the post. Thank you 💕

Basically...starting today I will be taking a break from animating and pausing my patron for an indefinite amount of time (most likely a few months, I don't know yet). 

This means that no one will be charged for the months that I am gone (unless they are a new patreon). You can still access previous posts and such, but I will not be posting anything until my break is over.

As for the reason why - this is where there's a bit more of a longer conversation.

The longer reason is a lot more complicated than that little sentence because while yes, I do want to focus more on directing - that isn't the only reason why. If it was, I wouldn't resort to this again. For an extremely long time, I haven't felt any lasting passion towards any of my hobbies, animating being the primary one since it is the one I had been focusing on the most. I felt extremely shitty for not being able to meet the standards I wanted to achieve or what I believed others to expect from me. I kept seeing the work that other animators did and compared my work to theirs and feeling worthless for not being able to post as frequently as they did, or for not being creative enough...or this or that. It was always something. A never ending vicious cycle of self-hatred and loneliness that I had been dealing with for more than a year now. It finally got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. Some of you guys may already know that I joke a lot about my depression on stream and about how I don't want to be alive anymore...some of you think it's just that. Edgy insensitive jokes. It isn't. These past few days I've been at the worst low I've felt in a long time. It got to the point where I came close to self harming again (I've been clean for five years now) and overdosing (it's been six months since I've attempted something like this). Thankfully, I didn't, though. I have loving and supportive people in my life now that prevent me from going actually going through with it, but without them I wouldn't be here today. 

It took me a while to reflect on what got me to that point, but I think I get it now. That's why I'm making this post and just...spilling everything out for everyone to see even though I'm scared of how I'll be perceived. The constant stress I was putting myself under was wearing me down overtime and even though I knew it was- I couldn't bring myself to say anything or stop it. Because this isn't the first time I've said something like this or felt this way. It won't be the last either...and that alone felt like an excuse. Like I was just making up reasons to be lazy and not do anything. But it isn't, and thinking that way has only lead to me putting myself under more and more stress, thus further perpetuating the cycle. 

With all of that being said, it might seem a little stupid for me to focus on film making if I feel that way about animating...but to me - they're not the same thing. For a lot of my childhood and (now) adulthood, making stories was and is - a way to cope and help me deal with how harsh reality is. Animating was never that.

I know a lot of you may relate to some of the things I've said so far. I know some of you don't. That's okay. I don't expect everyone to understand my situation or even offer me sympathy since we are strangers on the internet, after all. But I wanted to be honest with you all and share my genuine feelings. You can disagree with my decisions or be mad at me for not doing enough, but I ask for some basic politeness at the very least if you're going to leave a comment on anything I've said.

Thank you all again for supporting me. If any of you need to talk about anything at all in a judgement free-zone, I'll always be here to talk to. Just keep in mind, I struggle a lot with communication, but I'll try my best! 😊💖

TLDR: In short, I want to focus on doing what I'm more passionate about in the moment - which would be film making and directing.