Esmie the Calamity Chapter 27 (Patreon)

Oh dear, this chapter is... I have no idea. I literally just let my brain vomit unhinged chaos onto the page. I hope you all like it... 

I stumbled back into our house like a wobbly little gazelle fresh from being born. Shiori was very… lots. She was lots of lots in bed. Like… when I thought of her and her… her… strapon as she called it a few times… what was I saying? I was so wobbly and perhaps a little very hungry.

"I demand food!" I exclaimed, stumbling into the living room as Iria was humming to herself and cooking eggs.

"Esmie," she said, waving a spatula to say hi. "I'm making hischik eggs and spider bacon if you want some."

Sidling up to her, I pressed my squish into her big, tall, strong, lithe, hot side and peered into the pan. What even was spider bacon?

"Is the spider made of bacon or is the bacon made of spider?" I asked, then grinned and looked up at her. "Wait! No! Is it a spider that's a cop in spider society?"

"Huh?" She asked, giving me the biggest confused stare ever. "It's meat from the legs of giant spiders… it tastes like honey-cured bacon, or so the guy at the market claimed."

I turned my attention back to the pan and cooed over it. "Ooo! That sounds fun! I love experimenting!"

"I'm sure you do," she chuckled, patting me on the head.

That was when Lynlyn entered the room, stretching—normal stretching, though, not like medieval torture style or anything—her arms above her head. "What are you two cooking in here?"

"Bacon and eggs," Iria replied at the same time that I said, "Spiders and unfertilised hischik ova."

"Esmie…" Lyn sighed, giving me a stare that was very very tired. "What the fuck?"

"Everyone always says 'Esmie, what the fuck,' and never, 'Esmie who the fuck," I lamented dramatically.

Lynlyn actually laughed at the joke and when I stared at her in stunned silence, she asked, "Okay then. Esmie, who the fuck?"

"Shiori!" I grinned.

"Huh?"

"Nevermind," I sang, and rushed away towards the bathroom to wash myself.

Once I was clean, I binkied back into the living room and ploughed right into Lynlyn as she was walking past the doorway. We went down in a chaotic tangle of limbs and squealing, ending with my head on her chest, but her leg draped over my soft thighs. It was actually quite comfy, so I wrapped my arms around her and hummed happily. She was so warm, and my squish was adhering to her in all sorts of stimulating ways.

"Hello, little mischief," she said, patting my back gently. "Can you get off me? I'm actually quite hungry."

"Guess what," I whispered, and wiggled until I could stare into her eyes.

Her expression became guarded. "What?"

"I had sex as a girl last night!" I told her with hushed excitement. "It was amazing!"

"Wait, really?" She asked, dumbfounded.

I nodded enthusiastically.

She let out a short little laugh of amazement. "Wow, Esmie. You're really taking to the whole girl thing, huh?"

More nodding from me. "I love it."

"Being a girl?" She asked, suddenly looking way too sly. Her funny dark elf ears were all pointy and excited. It was very suspicious.

I squinted at her, trying to figure out what her hustle was. "...Yes?"

"Maybe you should consider doing it full time?" She asked, with so much innocence in her tone that she had to have stolen it. The innocence was stolen, I mean, not the tone. Hold on… that sounded really wrong. Forget I narrated that.

I tilted my head, confused. "But I already am doing it full time!"

"I mean changing your outside body to match your—"

Suddenly, I was up and bouncing over to Iria. "I've decided I want lots of spider inside me."

"Hey!" Lyn exclaimed, wobbling to her feet. "We were having a serious discussion!"

"I don't want to talk about it," I grumbled, snatching a plate from the counter.

Holding it out expectantly towards my very tall, buff, feathered friend, I gave her mega puppy dog eyes.

"I'm only feeding you if you stop referring to the bacon as 'spider' and calm down a bit," she said, giving me a stern look. "You're running around like a weasel on crack. Let's tone it down a bit, okay? Also remember that you're scheduled for a stream today."

My blood froze. Oh no! I forgot to prepare!

"I… I don't want to stream today. You can't make me."

"You're right," Iria said with an evil, knowing grin. "But Ruth can…"

I blanched. "Right. Do not piss off the dragon who is also your boss."

Cupping my cheek affectionately with one hand, the tall girl used her other to dish out food for me. "Good girl. You'll do great in today's stream anyway. I believe in you."

Oh no. My squish… it was becoming jelly! Being hit with the one two punch of ‘good girl’ and ‘I believe in you’? It was too much! I was melting!

“I’m just squishy,” I mumbled, unable to come up with anything else to say.

She just laughed and went back to cooking. Evil woman.

I decided to take refuge with my best friend, so I wandered over and plopped myself down beside Lyn. She glanced at me and raised an eyebrow, then twitched when I flopped sideways into her. When she realised no shenanigans were forthcoming, I got a nice comforting arm around my shoulder.

"You're so goofy," she chuckled quietly, at a volume that only we could hear. "We love you for it, though. I'm happy you got to experience sex as a girl, too. It's a big step for people who play as different genders in virtual reality. How are you feeling about it?"

I snuggled deeper into the safety of my friend's embrace and hummed a little melody before replying, "It was wonderful. I'm enjoying this a lot—especially the way I can let loose and run around like a crazy person and I don't care, because I'm just… me. I don't have to conform to… to the personality mask that everyone expected me to wear. I feel so free."

"That's because you are free, cutie," she whispered. "We really should get you some more professional psych help, though. Someone to help you tease out what you're feeling and why… maybe get you some official diagnosis so you can learn abo—"

I placed a hand over her mouth. "No. Scary."

The corners of her eyes crinkled into a smile, and she rolled them theatrically.

Withdrawing my hand, I cuddled even closer into her and closed my eyes. It was time for a very deep thinky. Not about whatever weirdness Lyn’d been trying to say, of course. I needed to think about what I was going to do for my stream!

Perhaps just some potion making? That could be fun. Although that market was already filled by a pretty popular streamer.

Ugh. The biggest problem was that I wasn't actually good at anything in the game except causing chaos.

Lyn twitched at my side, then glanced down at me, "Wow! Josh is calling!"

Josh? Who was josh?

Like I'd just slapped my face with my own tail, I connected the name to a face. "Josh from school? Why is he calling?"

"I have no idea," she replied, staring into space. "Should I accept?"

"Sure!" I said happily. "Josh was cool!"

"Josh was a pain in the ass, TBH," Lyn muttered, but she accepted the call before I could comment and shared the window so he could see me and I could see him.

The floating image resolved into the visage of a pretty handsome guy with sandy blonde hair and dark eyes. He grinned into his camera and waved, "Sup Lynna!"

Then he saw me, and he tilted his head like a puppy. "Oh, yo. Who're you?"

"I'm Esmie!" I said happily. "I'm Lynlyn's best friend!"

"Oh nice!" He said. "Wait… Lynna, wasn't your best friend that crazy guy… uh… what was his name? D—"

"Shh!" I exclaimed, cutting him off. "We don't say my outside name here…"

He blinked, staring at me with the most confused expression. I could see all the little itty bitty Joshes running around behind his eyes as they tried to figure out what to say while alarms blared in the background.

Finally, he cleared his throat and said, "No shit? Playing as a girl in CORA? You've got some balls… uh… metaphorically speaking, of course. I heard that shit really fucks with your head."

"Only thing fucking with my head is a really pretty girl's dick, actually," I laughed. Was I talking about getting laid too much? Probably… Was it over sharing? Definitely! Should I stop…?

Josh let out a guffaw of amusement and fist bumped the camera. "Nice, dude! I'm assuming it isn't Lynna you're talking about. Ain't no way little miss heteradamant here is running with a cock."

"Little miss… what?" Lynlyn squeaked, outraged.

"You know, you're adamant you're hetero, so heteradamant!" He smiled happily.

My eyes gleamed. Like, full on anime sparkle. I think. I couldn't see them. That would be very difficult without a mirror. Anyway, I was so happy. This guy was hilarious!

"Do not encourage him!" Lynlyn said, pointing an accusatory finger at me. Then it shifted to Josh. "And you! Don't encourage her. Now, why were you calling, other than to roast me?"

“Oh, I heard you were playing CORA and I wanted to reach out,” he said with a wink in my direction. “My mates and I have a guild and… yeah.”

“Ah…” Lyn winced, and I unfortunately shared the sentiment. “We’re… probably not going to be able to join any guilds. We’re also all the way up in the wops of Trimacre.”

“Ah, that’s too bad. Would’ve been fun to play with you both,” he sighed. “Still, that isn’t actually too far away from me. I’m in Givre. If I end up in your neck of the woods I’ll give you another call.”

“Sounds good…” Lynlyn said with a smile that was kinda sincere but not totally so. She didn’t mention why we couldn’t join a guild… which was because we were going to be sponsored streamers or whatever. Kinda cool that he didn’t push the matter though.

“Well, I guess I’ll leave you both to it,” he said, flashing us a very genuine smile. “Oh and Esmie, can I DM you? I’m totally interested to hear how the whole girl thing goes for you.”

“Yes!” I chirped. “You still have my ID, so just hit me up whenever.”

He nodded. “Sick, catch you both!”

Then the call closed and Lynlyn immediately groaned and slapped her forehead. “Esmie, he’s going to try and get in your pants.”

“Really?” I blinked.

“Yes!” she sighed. “He was always a bit of a slut in school, and I mean no shame… but…”

I frowned and bopped her with my tail. “You totally mean shame! Don’t be mean. If he shoots his shot well enough to get me interested, then sure. Otherwise, I’ll say no. Contrary to how silly I am thirty hundred percent of the time, I do know how to make sure people respect the big N-O.”

Squinting at me for several seconds in silence, Lynlyn finally shrugged. “Okay. Fine. But if you get interested and get hurt, I’ll… well, I’ll still comfort you but I reserve the right to say I told you so.”

“I’ll be fine!” I pouted, bopping her with my tail again. “Plus, he’ll have to be very convincing. Boys are fun and all… but girls. Like, look at Iria! She’s frickin beautiful! I want her.”

Iria, who was just bringing our breakfast over, paused mid action and stared at me with wide eyes. “W-what?”

“I was just telling Lynlyn that I’m going to be far too busy trying to get into your pants to worry about some blondie dude who’s miles away ingame and out of it,” I explained with a slowly growing grin of evil. I licked my lips, just to drive home the point, and oh my gosh, Iria actually blushed!!! It was so fucking cuuuute. I wanted her. Who cared if we were living in the same house and she was my coworker and my protector or whatever… she was scrumptious and—

Something soft impacted my face at high speed and I flopped backwards.

“Esmie! Do not make me go and find a bucket of water!” Lynlyn exclaimed, although I could hear that she was struggling not to laugh.

Blinking to regain my vision, I stared at the new pillow in my lap, then at the plate of food Iria was putting on the table in front of us.

She saw me watching and—still flushed—pointed them out. “You have to stream soon, so eat up.”

“Oh, I intend to,” I said, giving her a wink.

“I take it back,” Lynlyn chuckled, shaking her head in exasperation. “I should be warning Josh about you.”